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I'm so crap at this

38 replies

nutcracker · 23/11/2005 09:52

This morning dd2 asked me for the stapler, we had a quick look and eventually found it under a plie of crap in the cupboard, and it was all broken.

I asked Dd1 if she knew anything about it and she said no. I asked her again and she said well yeah it just fell apart. After I asked her a 3rd time she admitted she had taken it all apart. It was unfixable because she's pulled the spring out and lost it. I told her I was really annoyed, not that it was broken but that she'd lied again ( recently had a big lying problem with her).
I told her she would have to pay for a new one out of her birthday money (not realising that she doesn't know you can get one for £1).

She stormed off upstairs screaming and shouting. When it was time to go to school, I called her down and she refused to move , saying she wasn't going to school. I told her she was and again asked her to go and get her coat on. She continued to scream and shout and tell me she hated me, so I told her if she carried on I would remove her tv.

Anyway, I eventually had to drag her downstairs and she then ran straight for dd2 and said she was going to beat her up and stamp on her . She didn't get to her cos the boy I was taking to school with us, grabbed her and my neighbour had dd2.

I eventually got her to walk to school without screaming and shouting, but all the while she kept saying she was moving out and going to live with my mom. I made matters worse by saying I didn't care.

She then kept saying that I said I didn't like her which is certainly not true at all, I never said any such thing.

When we got to school she was still crying saying she didn't want me to take her tv. I felt I had to stick to what I said so said that it was still being removed but I hadn't decided how long for.

When the bell rang and I gave her a kiss she disolved ijnto tears again, and so I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and said we'd discuss it later. She went in still crying.

I then had to walk up to the office and 2 parents accosted me asking what was wrong with her cos she was still crying. I gave a very brief explanation and they looked at me like I was the worst mother ever.

I went and looked through dd1's classroom window and she was sitting with her friends but still crying. I went round to go in and ask if I could speak to her but the doors were locked by then, so I went back to the window, waved and blew her a kiss. She just looked and then got up to do something.

I feel awful now. I am annoyed with her for lying, but I had no intention of her getting so upset, but she blew it all up out of proportion by refusing to come out of her room. I realise I should have explained about paying for a new stapler as she probably thought it would cost all of the money she has.

Feel really bad now that she is sitting at school all upset

How do I make it up to her and do I still remove the tv ??

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Zephyrcat · 23/11/2005 09:56

How old is she nutty?

nutcracker · 23/11/2005 09:57

Hazve a banging head now, and just want to cry. Me and dd have always had a very difficult relationship cos we just rub each other up the wrong way.

Make me sad cos it reminds me of my moms relationship with my elder brother.

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nutcracker · 23/11/2005 09:57

8

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Lonelymum · 23/11/2005 09:59

Oh I was here yesterday evening! I had a similar blow out with ds1, but fortunately it all ended happily.

If I were you, yes, I would remove the tv (for one night?) just because you said you would and you have to stick by your guns, and I would go out and buy the £1 stapler today and take the £1 from her this afternoon so she knows it is only going to be £1 and that issue is over and done with.

I would also explain to her that she must learn to control her temper and do as she is told (this is what I ended up saying to my distraught ds1 who thought his Christmas prsent was going back to the shop) but then, let that be the end of it. Don't harbour any anger and you will show her that the matter is now forgotten and forgiven.

As for parents frowning at you and making you feel a bad parent - I know that situation! It is hard, but I do believe that a lot of parents let their children get away with murder these days and then are surprised when they grown up into little thugs.

nutcracker · 23/11/2005 10:01

Thanks LM, I will remove the tv, just for one night,because you right, she does need to know that I will do what I say.

We need a more permananet punishment strategy set up though i think, might have to try the pasta jar or something similar. Dd always thinks she will not get punished whatever she does.

Am just so angry and sad with myself.

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MarsLady · 23/11/2005 10:02

Nutty... unless they are friends NEVER explain to parents at school. Remember, Tarquin and Jocasta are perfect angels and would never behave in such a way... and they are convinced it's all down to parenting.... SUCH RUBBISH!

Right... remind me of their ages.

But whilst you do... if you have said that you will remove her television then remove it! Nothing worse than lack of consistency for kids. It's hard, but we (and I mean me too) need to be careful not to promise more than we can do... for praise or punishment).

Don't worry about her hating you. You've got years of that yet.... they all claim to "hate" us for a time. She doesn't hate you. She just ewanted to hurt you cos she was upset.

Repeat after me...I am a good mother

also: Sometimes my kids are a pain in the arse... but I still love them.

Just remember those two phrases and you'll be fine.

crimbocrazydazy · 23/11/2005 10:02

Oh how awful for you Nutcracker, I really do sympathise with you. My DD is 5 and she too lies to me which then escalates into something else and then makes me feel like I am the worst mother too so I know exactly how you feel, she will totally have forgotten all about it when she comes out of school tonight. I would give her a big hug and try and calmly explain that the TV has gone from her room but if she is good then she can have it back the next day.

Girls seem to take it to heart though don't they? My DD's favourite saying is "you love Dylan more than me!!!!" and it really hurts sometimes as I like to think I show love to them the same but DS is younger so he seems to get more attention.

Try not to worry too much though although saying that I am the same!!!!

Zephyrcat · 23/11/2005 10:03

Yes definately follow through with it. Is there anything else that's bothering her at the moment that's making her more sensitive/vulnerable?

It sounds just like the rows I used to have with my mum - we were constantly at it and it used to really upset me but always felt better when I got home and things were ok and we had a cuddle.

Zephyrcat · 23/11/2005 10:04

Have you thought about starting up a chart with a reward - like supernanny does?

MarsLady · 23/11/2005 10:04

also... DD1 is now 11 and seems to have come out of this phase. I like her again. However, DD2 is 7 and has just gone into this phase. Not too keen on her currently.

You'll be fine nutty... I promise!

nutcracker · 23/11/2005 10:05

She is 8, dd2 is nearly 6 and Ds is nearly 3. I am 27 and cannot control any of them.

Honestly feel like utter shite now. I'd hate to go to work feeling as upset as she has going to school.

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MarsLady · 23/11/2005 10:07

NUTTY!!!

It will be fine. All kids love a bit of drama.

You are doing a fab job. They are still very young and incredibly demanding. You are doing better than you think.

Relax and remember you are a good mum. There's no need for you to feel like crap... You are a good mum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just in case you didn't hear me YOU ARE A GOOD MUM!!

Lonelymum · 23/11/2005 10:09

Hey Nutty, want to hear about not being able to control your kids? while I was typing my message to you earlier, ds3 (2) had found a purple felt tip pen and scribbled a massive scribble on our cream wallpaper in the front room. And, it won't come off despite using baby wipes and cif on it. He has not done that before and I am fuming!

nutcracker · 23/11/2005 10:09

I'd prefer supernanny to move in really Zeph

Dd1 has always been very stubborn, head strong etc etc. She was 2.1 when I had Dd2 and I was a mess, had pnd etc etc. Dd2 got loads and loads of attention because she was a sickly and demanding child who basically cried unless she was permanantly attached to you.

I think dd1 has felt left out probably since then and I know she certainly feels like I love dd2 and ds more. Obviously, i don't love them more but if i'm honest I do find them easier to love, which is still awful.

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crimbocrazydazy · 23/11/2005 10:10

Kids quickly forget about fall-outs, especially with their Mums, she will be fine now!!!

This has happened to me lots of times when taking DD to school, I felt worse one time because when I walked past the window one of the mum's was cuddling DD and she was sobbing her heart out!!!! I just felt like everyone thought I was very uncaring but she wouldn't talk to me at all, very upsetting

When she came out of school she didn't even mention it whereas I was still upset and gave her a big hug!!!

skinnycow · 23/11/2005 10:11

nutty - i was there yesterday too (it seems quite a lot of us were actually).

I had a huge row with dd in teh car on the way to school and she went off - I felt terrible and ended up talking in tears to my friend.

I think you should definitely remove the tv and make her pay for a stapler otherwise she wont learn from her mistakes. How long were you planning on removing the tv for? dont reduce the time just because you're upset for her.

skinnycow · 23/11/2005 10:11

nutty - i was there yesterday too (it seems quite a lot of us were actually).

I had a huge row with dd in teh car on the way to school and she went off - I felt terrible and ended up talking in tears to my friend.

I think you should definitely remove the tv and make her pay for a stapler otherwise she wont learn from her mistakes. How long were you planning on removing the tv for? dont reduce the time just because you're upset for her.

skinnycow · 23/11/2005 10:11

nutty - i was there yesterday too (it seems quite a lot of us were actually).

I had a huge row with dd in teh car on the way to school and she went off - I felt terrible and ended up talking in tears to my friend.

I think you should definitely remove the tv and make her pay for a stapler otherwise she wont learn from her mistakes. How long were you planning on removing the tv for? dont reduce the time just because you're upset for her.

nutcracker · 23/11/2005 10:12

Oh dear LM.

Thanks for the advice and shoulders to cry on. Am popping to my moms now to help her pick carpet (whoopee).

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Lonelymum · 23/11/2005 10:13

We all have a child who is less easy to love than the others. With me, it is my dd. Don't feel basd that you feel that way, you can't help the way you feel. What would be bad would be if you totally ignored your dd1 or punished her unfairly. This doesn't sound like you are punishing her unfairly - she broke something, lied to you, defied you and was rude to you. You must stay calm and know that you are doing the right thing, but not going over the top and giving her a reason to feel hard done by.

skinnycow · 23/11/2005 10:13

lonelymum - pop to woolworths and buy a JML magic eraser.Follow the instructions and it should gently lift the pen marks from the paper

crimbocrazydazy · 23/11/2005 10:14

Oh Nutcracker your relationship sounds just like mine with DD. We too have personality clashes as she is very stubborn like me and reminds me of myself when I was younger. DS (3)is much more laid back and affectionate but he is always around me and I know she resents him so much for it but with him being the youngest I just seem to nurture him more and have always tried to steer DD towards "being more grown up", there is only a 2 year age gap between them but because DD is more sensible I treat her like she's about 5 years older sometimes and then feel horribly guilty about it.

nutcracker · 23/11/2005 10:14

I hadn't said how long I was removing it for, but I think I'll remove it until friday morning.

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crimbocrazydazy · 23/11/2005 10:15

Oh Nutcracker your relationship sounds just like mine with DD. We too have personality clashes as she is very stubborn like me and reminds me of myself when I was younger. DS (3)is much more laid back and affectionate but he is always around me and I know she resents him so much for it but with him being the youngest I just seem to nurture him more and have always tried to steer DD towards "being more grown up", there is only a 2 year age gap between them but because DD is more sensible I treat her like she's about 5 years older sometimes and then feel horribly guilty about it.

crimbocrazydazy · 23/11/2005 10:16

Oh Nutcracker your relationship sounds just like mine with DD. We too have personality clashes as she is very stubborn like me and reminds me of myself when I was younger. DS (3)is much more laid back and affectionate but he is always around me and I know she resents him so much for it but with him being the youngest I just seem to nurture him more and have always tried to steer DD towards "being more grown up", there is only a 2 year age gap between them but because DD is more sensible I treat her like she's about 5 years older sometimes and then feel horribly guilty about it.

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