Should I complain back or ignore it?

[sweetheart]

Dd's (5.5) teacher pulled me aside today and said that dd had been pinching another girl in her class and the girls mum has complained. The teacher suggested that dd may be feeling unsettled as we are expecting a new baby in a couple of weeks.

Having spoken to dd it would seem that she pinched the girl because she did it to her first.

I have told her this is wrong AND that she must appologise to the girl at school tomorrow. We also stopped her watching her fav TV programme tonight as a punishment but this is my dilema.....

I do not want dd to be labeled bacause of this and the more I think about it the more angry I am getting. I want the teacher to be aware what really happened and I resent the implication that dd is unhappy about the baby as nothing could be further from the truth - she is actually very excited about getting a baby brother. I also happen to know that the little girls father has just left the family so why has this not been taken into consideration like our baby has been.

Furthermore we have been trying to teach dd that rather than telling tales she should sort out her own problems with her peers - which is why this is the 1st we have heard of the situation. I am annoyed that the other girl has been telling tales on dd and that the mother complained to the teacher rather than to me.

So....should I say all this to the teacher/mother or just let it lie?

i would mention it to the teacher but not in a making a complaint kind of a way.

just express your concerns about your dd being labelled as a bully/pincher whatever and that she has said that the other girl pinched her first.

tell the teacher. she needs the info or cant keep an eye on them. some kids just rub each other up the wrong way (just like adults) so it does need to be monitored. maybe she thought this was dealing with it herself? i tell ds to tell the teacher if someone is bothering him cos he got into lots of trouble over things like this, it has improvedthe situation. ask the teacher if she would rather be told, she will probably say yes

The thing is I don't think the teacher has seen this happen - it would appear the complaint came from the mother so I annoyed that the mother has gone to the school rather than me.

We were told at parents evening last year that dd needed to learn to resolve things with her peers instead of telling the teacher which is what we have been trying to reinforce over the last few months.

I thought that my dd and this girl were good friends so I was surprised to hear that there were problems between them.

I feel a bit silly going into the school saying "well, she did it first" it sounds so tit for tat!

Now I would have done what the other mother did I'm afraid (not to say that you are wrong in any way!) We tell our children to tell the teacher or a grown up if someone does something they don't like - it's only telling tales if it's a deliberate attempt to get someone in trouble. Also our school discourages parents from becoming involved in disputes between children, so I would have spoken to the teacher to sort it out rather than to the parent.

I would say let the teacher know you've spoken to your DD about it, and let her know DD's side just so she knows to keep an eye on the situation. There is no point getting annoyed over such a little thing, at that age it'll be all forgotten soon, and if not the teacher will pick up on it. So it's sort of talk to the teacher and let it lie!

dont worry about it, its not tit for tat, its getting the story straight. no one likes to think their child started it and it was probably 6 of one, half a dozen of the other. good idea to mention to teacher tho so she can keep an eye on them both. you dont have to make a big deal out of it, just catch her after school and say you had a chat and tell her what dd said. its not like you are asking them to expell the other girl or anything! (i do this every other week btw so am quite relaxed about it by now)

Say to the teacher "I talked to DD about the pinching last night and have told her she must apologise to X. However, she did say that she'd only pinched in retaliation to X pinching her. I have explained that it is still wrong to pinch back and this is not what we meant by sorting out her own problems with her peers."

I would certainly tell the teacher what happened according to your dd - only fair she has both sides of the story. I would also tell the teacher about the other little girl's background - she already has yours.

I wouldn't be making dd apologise unless the other girl also apologised. After all, they both did something wrong. Otherwise its guaranteed, imo, to make dd feel humiliated. (Sorry to feel so strongly on this point - bit of a sore point.)

Perhaps a general talk by the teacher to the class about appropriate behaviour would be a good compromise.

Sweetheart - I do understand why you have told DD not to tell tales, however, I think these days the school bullying policy relies on children speaking out!

I think you do need to reinforce this at home as well. Children take things very literally and she will not know how far things have to go before it is okay to tell you!

I encourage my DCs to mention any inappropriate behaviour to their teachers and their teachers tell them to do this too! Teachers do tend to let most of it pass, but seem adept at spotting a pattern if one emerges which is what is important.

I would have a quiet word with the teacher giving your DD's side of the story whilst emphasising just how unreliable children are at this age. There is just no knowing which child is telling the truth - either could be!

I'm just so annoyed that they said she must be unsettled at home! Perhaps I am getting wound up over this because I'm hormonal but I feel so protective of dd, I just feel like shes been accused unfairly.

I always worry when things like this go on - I'm quite young compaired to the other parents and I always feel like I'm being judged because of it.

Avalon - see, your approach is what my gut tells me to do - I just don't think I'm brave enough.

I really want to go in and rant that dd is perfectly happy at home and perhaps the other girls situation is effecting her behaviour. But I feel that may be too childish on my part.

I think dd should appologise but I can see your point that the other girl should be made to aswell. Trouble is I think this may be a small issue which I may be in danger of inflaming unneccesarily!

teacher is making assumptions because new babies often unsettle kids. its not personal. ds2 was very put out when ds3 came along. dont rant at teacher, rant here instead and then go in nice and calm to give your dds side of the argument

I'm trying to calm down - I keep thinking of ways I can phrase things.

I can't exactly march in there and say "Well perhaps so and so has the problem because her father has just left for another woman" as much as I'd like to!

It just fel today like dd had already been judged. She plays with alot of the boys at school and I know she can get a bit enthusiastic but she'd never be horrible on purpose.

Have you had a word with the teacher yet, sweetheart?

No, I didn't bother. I asked dd about the situation again this morning and she said the other girl didn't pinch her.

I'm not sure what to believe - I don't know if she is lying OR if she just doesn't remember what happened.

I spoke to the mother and she seemed quite concerned about it BUT the little girl goes to a club in the afternoon and is allowed to take a friend - last week she took my dd so I can't see that they have fallen out.

I think it's a case of kids being kids and I have got too wound up about it. I don't like the fact everyone assumed it was because we are expecting a baby.

I made dd appologise this morning and she has been told no TV for the rest of the week.