Toddler from hell: please help

[poppadum]

I am sure there are many such posts on this subject, but I really do seem to have the toddler from hell. He is 18 months and throws tantrums from morning to night. Yesterday he threw a fit when: I brushed his teeth, changed his nappy, stopped him from hitting his sister, stopped him from throwing his food on the floor, stopped him from climbing on the table, put him down for his nap, put his gloves on... you get the picture! I seem to be constantly going no no no, and by the end of the day I have a splitting headache from all the screaming. It's not just me; my childminder has remarked on how intense he seems to be getting lately.

I have an older girl who is and was much more easygoing, so have no idea of how to handle my son. At the moment, I am trying to take a break from him from time to time, ignore the screaming and be calm but firm. Easier said than done though. All my family live on the opposite side of the world ( I am an expat) so I really find it very lonely at times.

The thing that saddens me is that I really find my daughter so much more lovable, and that makes me feel guilty. Please tell me he will grow out of this into a well behaved little boy. Or are boys just more intense and hard to handle than girls?

can you give him a choice about things - eg which one first teeth or nappy change ? which glove do you want on first ? - Try and let him have some control over what is happening. Also try and talk to him about what you are planning to do, eg - lets get breakfast first, and then we will clean your teeth, or nap time in 5 minutes (he will have no idea what 5 minutes is but will at least warn him that it is going to happen soon).
For the rest be firm and consistent and calm (the hard bit !) - eg climbing on the table, take him off and say "not safe". With food on the floor - say "ok - you don't want it" and take it away from him.

I can highly recommend the naughty step, mat, cushion. Also a quiet room if you have it. Sometimes it makes things easier if you can not be in the same room as them for even a minute to let you calm down and breathe before the next onslaught. Could you even put him to a childminder or nursery for a few hours a week?

Try to avoid saying "No" - try to tell him what you want, rather than what you don't want. Toddlers often don't understand "No" in its context - as far as they're concerned the desire is the action, and there is no reason not to do it, so saying "No" is just thwarting them. Also, any reaction from you becomes a sort of reward from them. At this age he is discovering the only real 'power' he has, which is to get a reaction from you. As Throckenholt suggests, giving him choices (always simple ones which you are happy to accept either way) goes a long way towards giving him the feeling of being in control. Keeping your cool takes away his other control, so you've really got to do your best not to lose it all the time. I'm not criticising at all - I've been there. Still am, if I'm honest.

If he hits your dd don't react strongly, just a firm "We don't hit" and removing him from her calmly. Then ignore him for a minute while you pay her attention - not fussing over the fact that she's been hit, just attention.

You will get through this. The key is to keep yourself calm around him. It will get better as he becomes better able to accept his place in the world.

My older boy was like this from about 13 months to about 22 months, loads of tantrums and on the go all the time although he could also be very sweet and loving - the rollercoater exhausting so I completely sympathise. You may well find your son grows out of this phase as he starts to talk and have a few words to communicate with, and throckeholt's suggestion about giving him limited choices is a good one - ds1 really liked that and it was far easier to get him to nursery when he had "chosen" his clothes. Winter adds the hassle of things like gloves/hats etc which always seem to be flashpoints in our house and choice definitely helps there too. Don't feel guilty about feeling differently about your daughter and your son, it's just a phase for you too! It may be that your son will always need a bit more attention than his sister, or maybe not, but if you take the time when he is calm to give him lots of cuddles, you're bound to enjoy spending time with him more. Hope this helps.

Thank you all for your lovely, helpful replies. The naughty step and offering choices strategy is something that I have tried with my daughter (when she was around 2) with good results, but my son seems to be too young to understand the concept at the moment. I do try to leave the room to stay calm, but I sometimes do end up yelling. Very counter-productive, I know.

I do plan to let him choose for himself when he is older, but at the moment it seems to confuse him. He does talk quite a lot, so I am hoping he will soon let me know what he is yelling for!

In re the childminder strategy, I am lucky enough to be able to work from home and have a lovely childminder who takes him to soft play, baby groups and lots of activities. She has said that he has been really stroppy lately.

I suppose I need to grit my teeth and say "This too shall pass" over and over again! I noticed with my daughter, that from the age of 2.5 onwards, she was an absolute angel. But perhaps that may be a little too early to expect reasonable behaviour? When did you mums find that things improved?

choices don't need to be a problem - just something like - ok lets get your socks on - which one first ?
Or lets stack some blocks - red or blue first ?

Anything really to give him some control of his world.

The tantrums stop when the frustration goes in my experience (ds1 at 4.5 still has tantrums, my nearly 3 year old twins never had as many - all boys).

A friend also finds singing at tricky times helps - distracts both of you from getting angry and frustrated