'Sharing' - why?

[Octaviapink]

I've just posted on another thread and it's made me think about this a bit more. I don't expect/make my children share their stuff with other children if they don't want to - I don't share my things if I don't want to and it would seem frankly hypocritical to make them do it. But 'sharing' seems to carry a lot of emphasis these days - obviously it's different at nursery or wherever if it's communal stuff but am I being remiss by not teaching enforced sharing to my two? I'm fine with them understanding the concept of ownership and that they're allowed to say 'no' if they don't want someone to play with their toys, but am I wrong?

I'm not an only child, I've got a brother who was always breaking my stuff!

I'm really interested in why people have playdates when there's this situation with another child being protective of their stuff and the visiting child not being allowed to play with anything. I mean, I'm wondering that the point is if neither child enjoys it? That sounds aggressive but I don't mean it to - I've never experienced this. DD is actually fine with letting others use her stuff, I just don't make her, and we've never had the situation where someone else won't let her use theirs.

no- i am not saying you don't share, I am just saying that perhaps only children have a different attitude to possessions that what some of us who have had to share with lots of siblings/cousins etc from an early age do.

For example my mother in law recently got annoyed that I let my neighbours children ride in a little mini electric car as it was my daughters and it was expensive. I wasn't annoyed at all as I see it as just a thing and if another child wants to play with it so be it.

Not learning to share if you rather didn't can make you a bit of social pariah in later life.

I used to live in a Student flat with 6 other students, we all did our own meals etc, sometimes we'd share. we'd often share snacks though, like a packet of biscuits or a bag of crisps.

I will never forget the one girl who NEVER shared, but always got herself comfy in front of the telly with a bowl or crisps and a bowl of sweets All For her Self. In a year she never ever offered anything to anyone.

It was just so odd, it would make us giggle.

I always think her parents must have forgotten to teach ehr this basic skill, and it actually made her a bit of an outcast.

"cory - had the other child asked for the playdate? If so, and he liked your DS, why didn't he want to play? I agree that I wouldn't allow one child to just be left on the sidelines - I would play with him myself! Or take both children out into the garden, or make playdough together or something (an activity is always easier for both to participate in). I would find it odd to simply sit and observe such a situation. I do think it can be resolved without riding roughshod over either child's wishes, though."

We were visiting. The other child was incredibly possessive over all his possessions and howled the moment ds tried to touch anything, even the smallest thing that he himself was not playing with. Other parent backed his child up. Don't think it was a brilliant message to give ds, that even the most outrageous wish of another child (you can't touch anything, even if I had no intention of playing with it myself) was more important than his own more modest wishes of wanting something to play with. I did try to play with ds but very difficult to explain to him why we weren't allowed to play with any toys.

I think that if there is something special they should put it away, out of sight. All other toys have to be shared if a DC comes around. I remember having a friend and when we went around her DS wouldn't let my DS touch some of his toys-it was miserable.

As for playdates, what about when it's the adults who want to meet up? Staying with someone? Visiting family? Should adults never be able to do that, because the children might not like it?

And what about the child who claims to want a playdate and then gets possessive or very bossy when the other child arrives?

Ahh, I didn't realise that adults wanting to meet counted as a playdate for the children.

When mine were small I chose my friends, with DCs, to meet.We didn't call it playdates-I suppose they were.

OctaviaPink

Other people love their children just as much as you love yours

And if your child suddenly decides not to be friendly, and you don't correct her, she will have no friends. My children are not allowed to mix with children who are not corrected on their social skills.

of course, until your child actually does display selfish behavior, it's academic - maybe she's picked up that the best way to keep friends is to be friendly yourself? But not everyone's child is this socially sensitive, and some will not react to nuance. With a child like I describe, it's important to actually parent them and not allow them to disgrace themselves in front of their peers with immature behavior.

Oh I thought we were talking about little children -who have their "friendships" impossed on them or at least my older one did - for older ones I agree if they don't let their friends play with their stuff then they won't want to come round - within limits of course as above

will x-post with some others here.

My DS is 2.5, and some things he cannot share, they are too precious like his Papo Figures, any new lego. Those toys get put away while we have our friends over. Everything else is fair game. I instruct my DS that such and such is coming over and we need to make the feel welcome, so what toys shall we get out. I also remind him that we need to either a) play together or b) take turns. Sometimes both.

I fully accept that some things are too precious to share or loan, I feel the same way in my adult life with some items. However getting the balance is important, that one should make a guest feel welcome and one should share or turn take with toys. I find modelling play with DS and mates helps set perimeters of expected behaviour.

If sharing or turn taking is not happening in doors then we head to the park and run around

My ds's are very possessive with their toys, but I can't imagine how it would work to NOT teach them to share with each other. They both want to borrow toys and so they both need to come to terms with sharing their toys. They would both be far less happy if I said to them that it was fine to not share their toys . As others have suggested they each have their own special toys that they each know to leave alone. But they need to learn that they have to share their toys in order to be able to play with their sibling's toys.

Tbh I can imagine a 'no sharing is necessary' set up might work with an only child or with children if very different ages or interests, but having two dc close in age and interests it is completely necessary IMO that they learn to share.

And as for adult sharing, that is a completely different issue. It is fine for an adult not to share any of their books because most if the usual social interaction that defines an adult friendship can carry on just fine without book sharing. That is more like asking a child to let a friend take their toys home which I would not expect. Asking two small children to 'be friends' without sharing toys makes no sense IMO. Unless they are likely to just sit and chat :)

And I certainly wouldn't expect my boys to spend time in a house where they weren't allowed to play with the toys that were in view. That would not be fair on them.

I'm one of 3 and hated sharing with my siblings - got obsessive about hiding my things as they always went missing! My DS was an 'only' growing up (has a very new sister now) and was amazingly good at sharing. He loved having friends to play and sharing was a novelty that he enjoyed. I have seen the same with my friends children. The idea that an only child can't share or take turns is a myth.

My dd (age 5) has good and bad days when it comes to sharing. Her main issue tho' is that she can be very particular about how a toy is played with, which affects her friends enjoyment. I'm struggling to teach her that everybody plays in their own way.

She also has two little friends (sisters) who expect her to give them toys to keep - they won't take no for an answer and she ends up giving them something just to shut them up. I've had to go to their parents and ask for things to be returned, such as brand new dolls and special cuddlies.

I've since banned them from the house. She can play with them outside but they don't put a foot over the door. I also make sure that any toys taken outside while they are around get returned.

It makes it very hard to teach dd to share.

I think adults not sharing is less to do with lending books and DVDs (that is more like letting children take your DCs toys home with them) and more to do with some of the behaviour I have seen around things such as:

Not allowing a visitor to sit in a particular chair 'because that's my chair' or 'I always sit there'.

Leaving out a book or magazine, but removing it if a visitor picks it up to read an article or the back cover blurb.

Eating sweets/bisuits in from of a visitor but not offering anything to them (either put them away or share IMO).