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Parenting

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Original poster

dare I say it... a four year age gap rather managable!!!?

46 replies

isobelle · 16/06/2011 20:35

Ooooh its not been plain sailing but very managable and enjoyable - would definitely recommend it.

The older child wants to be independent and also you get respite with nursery or school so plenty of time with baby too.

Although this could change but will continue to enjoyxxx

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Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 19/06/2011 08:33

I have a 4 year age gap and a 2 year one which means I also have a 7 year gap from oldest to youngest as well.
I love all of them for different reasons though I did worry about the bigger age gaps this time but they have been good and DS1 does love DS2 loads.

reallytired · 19/06/2011 16:53

I think a four year gap would be perfect. We have a seven year age gap and although my children get on well, its like two seperate families at times. Th

A large age gap make uni more affordable as well as nursery fees.

TheCountessOlenska · 19/06/2011 19:25

My sister and I are 4.5 years apart and we have always been very close with none of the competitiveness which I have seen between sisters with a smaller age gap - probably because we were always at very different stages at school etc. The older we have got the less noticeable the age gap.

I am considering similar with my family - the downside I guess is going back to the nappies/ sleepless nights when you have left them behind but I like the idea of only 1 baby at a time and hopefully no double buggies (have a strange fear of them!)

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MovingAndScared · 19/06/2011 20:05

4 year gap here as well - also good - little one is 16 months and they do play together - I think 3 year gap upwards is much easier - but agree at 6 and 10 I may see if differently

exexpat · 19/06/2011 20:19

Just for balance: I can't say I would choose a four year gap again or particularly recommend it.

I have four years two months between DS and DD. It made life easier for the first year or so, but was a bit of a nightmare from when DD became a toddler until the last few months (they are now 12 and 8). Constant bickering (at times getting physical), jealousy, fighting for my attention, virtually no common interests...

It didn't help that I suddenly became a single parent when they were 8 and nearly 4, but that just magnified issues that were already there. They are now getting a bit more civilised with each other , but the combination of age gap and opposite gender means that they still have little in common.

My sister has a ten-year age gap between her two - that seems to work pretty well...

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 19/06/2011 21:52

I worry about the toddler plus years I will have such a wide range of ages and so different interests and an older child not interested in doing kiddy stuff etc.
There were 9 and 10 years between me and my siblings and I hated it felt like an only child and always wanted someone to fight with

mawbroon · 19/06/2011 22:32

I have 4yrs 4months between mine. I had planned for a 2yr gap, but ds1 was reluctant to wean so my fertility didn't return for a lot longer.

Initially, it was really hard. I don't know if it was down to the age gap or not. We had gone through a 10 weeks period where ds1 was constantly ill, along with either myself or dh, and then I broke my ankle when I was 32wks pregnant and needed surgery on it, so ds1 was away from me a lot with aunties and granny etc. I think the new baby on top of all of that was the final straw!

They are now 15months and 5yrs 8months and mostly get on ok. In fact, just today I was thinking that it's great that ds1 can look after himself a lot and ds2 is very portable, so we can pretty much go anywhere or do anything.

somersetmum · 19/06/2011 22:34

We've always loved our five year age gap, but it's getting a bit tricky now, they are boy/girl aged 13 and 8.

silver28 · 20/06/2011 07:04

Glad to hear so many positive stories. I always wanted a four year gap and now I'm due to give birth in december when DS will be 3.8 so near enough. He's already so excited about the baby (tho I realise that may change!); he seems to understand more than I expected him to and it's so sweet.

He'll be starting pre school in September which will come in handy when I'm 7m pregnant. I'm also glad that I'll still be on mat leave when he starts school so will be able to do school run every day for that first term.

I'm sure there will be problems too, but there are prod and cons to every age gap. As someone said above, I couldn't have had a second baby any sooner as DS was a rubbish sleeper until 6m ago! I've also really enjoyed having this time with DS just to ourselves (and am a bit apprehensive about ruining out happy lives by introducing a new baby to the mix, but I'm sure it'll be fine ).

whatsthecatch · 20/06/2011 12:56

4 years 9 month gap here and no, I wouldn't choose this again.

Problems: The shock of going back to the baby stage/buggy/lugging loads of stuff around again after just getting rid of it. Having to take baby to all of older child's activities, carrying her round like a piece of luggage! Older child being so much bigger and stronger so when it gets physical the little one gets hurt. Very different development stages and needs. The younger child thinks they are older and seems to miss out stages that the older child went through. And the biggest problem for me is that the older child won't qualify the younger one for sibling admission to a good secondary school as schools have policies on big age gap siblings (check it out!)

mumblebum · 20/06/2011 13:02

schools have policies on big age gap siblings not round here they don't. I wonder what the justification for that is?!

bamboostalks · 20/06/2011 13:07

Never seen that on an admission policy. Am astonished. Would you be able to link please.

bamboostalks · 20/06/2011 13:08

Sorry. That is to whatsthecatch.

whatsthecatch · 20/06/2011 13:34

Different schools have different admission policies, but there has to be reasonable expectation that the younger child will attend the school at the same time as the older child. You can't get a sibling place if one of the children is a former pupil of the school.

You have no problems if you live in catchment, but for out of catchment admission on our popular oversubscribed secondary, you cannot use the sibling rule to gain a place for your younger child if older child is in year 11 at the time of application.

You have to check the small print of the school's admission policy. Some schools are more flexible than others. Some people on Mumsnet have very detailed knowledge of the reasoning behind all this. I think its to do with travelling together and shared experience of a school but I would have to start a thread on it myself to find out the reasoning behind it. All I know is that I have real problems getting my younger child into a decent secondary.

Pesha · 20/06/2011 13:36

I have 2yrs 9 months between dd and ds1, 3yrs 9 months between ds1 and ds2 and am due ds3 in 10 days when ds2 will be 4yrs 2 months.

I found the gap between dd and ds1 pretty hard work, dd was very demanding and ds2 didn't sleep. As they've got older they get on ok, sometimes really nicely but also a lot of arguing and quite different interests. DD is 10 now and doesn't seem interested in her brothers at all a lot of the time!

DS1 and 2 though get on brilliantly. DS1 is an August baby so started school when ds2 was 4 months old which was lovely, was like having a first baby again in the day time as I could give him all my attention (and sleep when he slept without a toddler to worry about) and then be able to give more time and energy to the older 2 after school. Ds1 also loves babies so was a great help with keeping him entertained and making him laugh but old enough to be reasonably sensible with him. They are now 7.10 and 4 and still get on really well and play loads together. They share a room and generally insist on sleeping in the same bed! They do squabble and fight at times but make up very quickly and are lovely together.

And now I'm heavily pg I'm enjoying not having to get up with them at the crack of dawn at weekends as the older 2 help the youngest get breakfast and get dressed and they generally look after themselves! Baby is due end of this month and I'll have a few weeks of school runs to do then we'll have summer hols to all get used to the baby and then ds2 will start school in Sept and it will be back to just me and baby in the day.

The downsides for me though are finding things that they all enjoy and can do together and the fact that I feel like I've had a baby/toddler to look after for ever!

whatsthecatch · 20/06/2011 13:41

I should say that on the admission policy for out of catchment children for my older child's school the criteria is: 1. Looked after children 2. Sibling at the school 3. Medical reason. Its only when you read the small print of the policy that you find out the detail of the sibling rule. But, as I said, there is no problem if you live in catchment of your desired school.

mumblebum · 20/06/2011 13:51

Oh whatsthecatch I assumed you were saying the big gap would be a problem when they were at the same school at the same time. I wouldn't expect a younger sibling to get a place at a school because the older one had been there previously, only if they were to be at school at the same time. It won't be an issue for us as the gaps will be 4 school yrs in both cases (3y 9m and 4y 3m in age) so the applications for secondary will go in when the older is in yr 10. I'm not as concerned about secondary schools being the same anyway since they will make their own way there unlike primary where I'd need to split myself in two!

Pesha my 3rd is due very soon too and I'm hoping it will work out well. I'll have Mum/DH around to help for the end of this term, then summer to settle in with the baby before school runs kick in in September. Then, as before, I get to spend time with the baby while the others are at school. I can well imagine that with your 4th on the way it must feel like you've been doing the baby/toddler thing forever. I think we'll be stopping at 3. Good luck :)

bamboostalks · 20/06/2011 15:17

Am with mumblechum on that misunderstanding. It would not be typical to have a sibling rule on admissions where they will not attend at the same time.
Thought you were saying something very different.

whatsthecatch · 20/06/2011 16:46

Very sorry to have caused confusion

My older child leaves in the summer and younger one starts secondary in the September. I hope other people have more luck with timing it all on a big age gap than I have had... If I'd just managed to conceive a bit earlier my life would be a lot easier.

I just wanted to warn people about this aspect of it because I am surrounded by neighbours with no schooling worries because they have smaller age gaps. They have only had to get one child into a desirable school and then that qualifies the whole family.

Once again, I am sorry to have caused confusion.

exexpat · 20/06/2011 16:53

Yes, I would have the same problem if my two were in the state system - four years two months apart, but because of birth-months that means they are five school years apart, so DD will be starting secondary just as DS goes into the sixth form, and that doesn't seem to give you sibling priority.

bluemoongirly · 21/06/2011 10:59

As a child with a younger brother 4 and a half years younger i would love to have the same when i have children.
I was like a second mum....pretty much from day one.
He was like my own living doll....it was great fun.
We did squabble a bit in the middle years and we didnt really do much together....holidays were an issue. my mum says we never went to disney because either he was too young or i was too old whereas my friend has just took her five and two year old and they loved it.
Having said that i went to uni when he was 13!!! I missed the moodiness and they had an empty house just to deal with him...yet i could go home at weekends...didnt move far and play the peacemaker.
Ever since we have been firm friends and we are very close considering the age/gender differences, we talk most days and see each other a few times a week, and also have some joint friends!! The gap doesnt mean anything!

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