How much do you 'stimulate' your child(ren)?

[emkaren]

Ever since dd1 was born 28 months ago I have been feeling guilty most days (well, many days), because I always feel that I don't offer enough stimulating activities and that I don't play with dd1 enough. Eight weeks ago dd2 was born, and now I feel possibly even worse about it. I always have a list in my head of things I should be doing every day with dd1, like craft, going outside, meeting other children, reading books etc.etc. and then I feel bad if I can't tick every one of those activities every day, or at least most. And I feel guilt towards my baby because in books it always says that you should provide a running commentary throughout the day for your baby, but it's just not in my nature to chatter away all the time. And then I wonder how much TV I should allow my dd1 to watch. And then I often feel just plain bored when it's just us three alone at home, so I don't play with either of them, just let them entertain themselves, and go and read the paper instead, and then I think what a terrible mother I am - which I also think when I'm doing the housework while letting them play on their own. On other boards I have read messages by mums of newborn babies who say they spend about 5 to 6 hours a day (!) just playing with their child, doing nursery rhymes, chatting to them... I could NEVER do that!!! So, oh wise mumsnetters - what is your average day with a toddler and/or baby like? Am I really a bad mother and should get my act together, or am I normal? Will my children suffer because what I do is not good enough?
Can't wait to read your replies! Please be honest!

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Not everyone is cut out for spending 5 hours a day playing with children. Those who enjoy it, good luck to them but I couldn't my brain would seize up!

Even if you wanted to I don't think you could do the amount you have set yourself to do - ticking off a list every day.

Obviously you make time for one to one every day with your children but they also have to understand that there are other members in the family with needs. They also need time to develop skills in amusing themselves. If you never let them amuse themselves they will be horribly demanding when they are older and lacking in imagination.

Absolutely agree with Janstar.

I admit I do worry about this sometimes too, but today I have my sensible head on!

All of the things you seem to think you should do are good for kids, but they don't need them every day. And a baby certainly doesn't need a constant running commentary (although I do find myself telling a baby what I'm doing in little ways "let's get your tea ready" etc - I think this is natural)

I let dd play and just sit around and read the paper too. It's not neglect, it's "allowing her space to develop her own skills" (or something). And to be quite honest, I think you are doing well if you can tick off just one of those things every day, never mind all of them! (carft every day? were you born to clean? )

I think just the fact that you are thinking about it shows to me how important your children are to you and you probably do so much more than you think. You're only a mother ? you?re not super-human. I think you are being way to hard on yourself.
I have a little girl with special needs and I beat myself up now and then that I?m crap and that I don't do enough etc etc, I think that's quite normal. You become a mother and someone up there decides to make you feel guilty about stuff all the time - gee thanks!! I do play with Lottie, but no where near 5 hours. She is still stimulated and learning when playing on her own with puzzles, dolls etc. Talking them for a walk in the buggy just round the block is stimulating - with all the traffic, other people walking by, birds, trees they see en-route. Bathing them is playtime and stimulating just being in the water. I'm a working mum and on the day off I have with Lottie it's full of hospital appts and at the weekend we're always running around doing stuff. But even if I'm gardening for example just having her in the garden while I'm weeding is fun to her and I would have thought to a lot of v young children. She's outside, I'll chat a bit to her, the cat joins us - it's great. Talking her to Sainsburys = fun to her (not me!). Really don?t be so hard on yourself hon', just think that boring household chores etc can be great fun and stimulating and educational for a young child.

You are far, far to hard on yourself emkaren! I read to my ds every day, and then I feel very pleased with myself. We chat a lot, but then he's two. I really don't think an 8week old needs you to natter to them all day, I really don't. They probably prefer some peace now and again . I tend to take my ds out with me a lot - eg to visit friends or to the supermarket. I also usually go to the park because otherwise he spends the day standing by the front door saying "Want go out! Go on swings! Go on slide! Mama go out!"
I leave chalks and his blackboard up all the time and let him paint if he wants to. I do let him watch videos and I do let him potter about by himself while I read the paper or listen to the Archers. We're people too!

Emkaren, the only time I shut up is when I'm alone with my 15-week old(perhaps because her big sister is as chatty as me!)

I had to write an article a while ago on, among other things 'why it's OK to let your kids play on their own'. I keep reassuring myself with this every time dd1 crashes in front of the telly or dd2 toys with her baby gym.

Those running commentary comments! Honestly it's okay for the first week, but you can't talk about putting a nappy on everytime - you would go mad. I point out and talk about new things to my ds, and leave it at that. Sometimes I find I haven't spoken to him in an hour, but then I do the same thing with my husband. Comfortable silences are nice. I also try to read some books with ds each day. Your 8 week old will listen to the interaction between you and others (including dd1)and learn heaps from it. Babies need time to blob out just like adults. Don't be hard on yourself.

Running commentaries - I hated them. Found them really difficult and consequently wasn't that chatty with ds. His first word was quite late (15 months) and I blamed my lack of verbage for that.

Then again, I got more chatty around then as I could finally get responses and it felt more interactive and at his 2 year check the HV said he was ahead of his age with verbal skills, so looks like he caught up all the same!

My philosophy is that you can only do what you can do. Yes, of course, you'll always strive to do better and rethink the activities you do all the time, but as people have already said, it's quite good for them to be bored occasionally too! If you kept passing your immobile baby every item they ever wished, where would be the incentive to crawl to reach it? As they get older, entertaining them every second - where is the incentive for them to learn to provide their own entertainment?

I also find I've learnt to work around my weaknesses - I'm really bad at artistic activities. I just cringe at messy things that ds is going to be bored with in minutes anyway but leave huge messes in its wake. To counteract that, I've made sure we've gone to activities and he goes to nursery (since 9mths for 1 day a week - now he goes to a pre-school for two afternoons a week) where he'll still get those opportunities and won't miss out due to my weakness. On the flip side, I really enjoy playing cars with him (which I know would drive many people insane with boredom) and reading the same book over and over on demand.

I think on reflection that you'll find you do far more than you realise...

Oh - ds's favourite activity - following me around the house with a static duster, "dusting" his toys

I've done something right, hehe.

emkaren, I know exacly what you mean about the guilt thing - we must have read the same books ! I'm not a particularly chatty person at all so there was never a possibility that I'd be doing running commentaries, but dd's speech is great so she's picked it up somehow ! I think it's useful for them to just be around while you get on with your day - that's learning about real life isn't it. And I think it's a really valuable lesson to learn to play by yourself ... I know some kids who have always been stimulated / taken out / entertained and now they can't spend 5 minutes alone. Nightmare ! When I start to feel guilty about not actually doing anything with dd (and am sahm, so no excuses !) I remind myself that in the olden days (before all these parenting books came out)kids just got on with it while mums were spending all day washing bloody nappies with no machines etc etc. And they turned out OK most of the time. So you're a real mum, not a bad one.

i often feel guilty if i haven't offered dd an activity or something. My day usually consists of cleaning.cooking...and i try to make time to.make cakes..paint...go to park or library.....but if i can't then so be it! She also loves claening with me and if i give her a duster she feels very proud to "help"! I will often try to dedicate a whole day to her and spoil her with parks and bookshops and fish and chips on the beach though.But if i did that every day it wouldn't be special emkaren i worry over not having a second one yet.am i depriving her of that?.....you sound like a lovely mam

By the way, my dd often plays with her cousins and when they go she'll breathe a sigh of releif and say"peace and Quiet!", sometimes i think they like to do their own thing.

Emkaren, remember it's good for them to see you reading, it teaches them a love of books (or so I was once told and it's been my excuse for neglectful lurking on the couch ever since!). I've never been able to understand friends of mine who said they played with their babies constantly either...a few nursery rhymes and I used to think 'ok, ticked that box, time for a cup of tea' Someone else has said that everyday activities are stimulating in themselves and if you think about it it's very true - the lights, noises, smells etc of a morning's shopping is very exciting for a tiny baby - that's why they always fall asleep! And from don't feel guilty about tv when you've got a brand new baby; they can learn lots from it (Maisy is my favourite guilt free video - dd1 leant her alphabet by watching it!) and you have to keep your sanity. As ever on mumsnet it's a relief to realise there are other people out there feeling bad about all the things I feel bad about...I always thought I'd be a mega-exciting constantly-doing-crafts sort of mummy but instead I'm just like GeorginaA and can't bear 30 mins clearing for 5 mins glue! However I think there's so much information out there these days it's easy to beat yourself up about what you SHOULD be doing which is something that our parents didn't even consider. My memories of my childhood are of crunchy leafy stomps through the park, trips to feed the ducks, going to the post office and being allowed to lick the stamps, rolling playdough in the kitchen while she cooked dinner, mooching round the garden while she hung out the washing, etc etc etc - all very very low key stuff which took place while my mum was doing her day-to-day stuff. I don't ever remember doing intellectually stimulating activities/clubs/classes and I think I've turned out ok LOL!

If you love and cherish your children and make them feel secure then you are a great mum. Don't worry about ticking off a mental checklist of stimulating activities for your child - your're only human...and its unrealistic.

I thought I didn't do much with ds so today I wrote it all down; 7 different activities and 2 sleeps. And that's not including him watching me make a sandwich and post on mumsnet. You are probably doing much more than you think you are. As for me, well I deserve a payrise!

About a year ago there was a very predictable drama on TV called Unconditional Love and starring Robson Green and Sarah Parrish.
It changed my life and I've been trying to express myself adequately about it ever since. It involved a woman meeting the son she gave up for adoption 20 years ago, who had had a terrible life in children's homes, abuse, etc, while his mother had gone on to have another child. The estranged boy said one line which really struck home: 'remember sitting on the sofa watching TV with your mum? Remember how nice it was? That's what I used to think about all the time. I thought that one day you'd come and get me and you'd take me home and we'd just sit on the sofa watching TV ......'

It was all emotional bollocks, but very well done and when it boils down to it, children value your company and you don't need to be bounding around worrying about putting on a great show for them 24:7, which is what I used to worrit about when DS1 was a baby. It's great to do activities too, but don't worry on the days when you can't manage any, because by even expressing this kind of guilt, you've proved that you yourself are everything they could possibly wish for.

Motherhood - you just feel guilty about everything don't you

When ds was tiny, I hated just waving rattles at him, and singing all day. Five minutes was fine, but not eight hours. I used to take him out for walks and drives, to see trees and lights etc. When he got older, it was obvious what he was interested in (light switches, cars that sort of thing), and we used to do a lot more in the way of groups etc, so he was stimulated a fair amount.

He is now 26/27 months, and is a little dynamo. He can play by himself, but also loves being read to. We have only just started doing play dough, but he's not really into it. I suppose what I am trying to say is that your child will tell you if she is bored. Your 8 week old will be excited by watching paint dry, so DON'T WORRY!

I let them stay out of my way, go to bed early and put them in play school as often as possible

Thank you all for your very very kind messages - you have made me feel a LOT better! Off to library now - very educational and another tick on my list!