I'm being tortured!

[TotallyLovely]

I started a thread (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1228831-How-to-MAKE-her-listen) about my daughter but sorry haven't replied to the comments, didn't mean to be rude, just wasn't sure what to say.

Today though I feel I am being tortured! Of course I know that I am not actually being tortured and that I am taking it too personally but that's just how it feels. I can't stand it when people don't listen to me and just ignore what I say (I probably have issues regarding this) so it really gets to me.

This morning my daughter is going to school and then leaving after lunch to go to the dentist. We have to go on the bus so she is really excited. She's nearly 5 by the way. So we talked about it yesterday and I told her what would happen and it what order, school, lunch, bus, dentist. She kept asking so I kept telling her.

This morning she kept asking as well so I told her (as did my DH) over and over again. It was nice that she was excited really but she just kept going on. Eventually though it just made me flip as I didn't understand why she wasn't listening to what I was saying. She asked me yet again if we were going to the bus stop now. "No" I said, "what did I say earlier?", she just looked blank. I said "what shoes did you just put on?" and she said "school shoes". So I said then that tells her where she is going first. So then she says "am I having lunch at school" whilst holding her lunch box after I have shown her what is inside and talked about how I would pick her up after lunch and who she would sit next to at lunch! I totally flipped!

I really lost it, I got so annoyed, shouting and swearing. I honestly don't understand why she won't remember from one minute to the next and the things I tell her don't seem to go in. She's an intelligent girl, inquisitive and doing well at school. I am ashamed to say that I asked her if she was stupid . I am so upset about it! I feel like a terrible mum, in fact I know I am a terrible mum. But she asked me probably more then 2 dozen times! I try to leave the room but she follows me wailing as she knows I am mad with her.

I have tried having a very serious conversation explaining that she needs to listen to what I am saying and that if she keeps asking then she isn't listening and that maybe she needs to think about the answer (and if she already knows it) before she asks it, and I have tried to explain how annoying it is and how she would find it annoying too if I didn't listen to her.

I do the "I have answered that question already so I am not going to answer it again" thing but sometimes I get too mad to be rational like that.

So upset

TotallyLovely-I think we have the same child! It is hard, hard work isn't it. You last post sound exactly like our house. I want to cry some days.

Aw I feel for you. My ds is 3 and is going through the repetitive questions phase too - and is also going through the pathologically indecisive swerving from one choice/decision to the opposite one (Me-" Do you want to go home or stay in the park?" Ds - " Want to go home!" Me - "Ok, lets go home". Ds-"NOOOOOOOO - I want to stay in the park!!!!! - and so on,. ie he wants to go home/park/home accompanied by tears, anguished face etc. Drives me loopy/ to tears/ to chocolate.

About the repetitive questions - I remember reading somewhere that young children do this because they are trying to expand their vocabulary. When I have the patience I try and vary the words I use to respond. And sometimes I respond with " You tell me" or "What do you think?" But I do get to the end of my tether sometimes and ignore him/yell after responding the first 20 times. What the heck, I'm human, too.

And the not being able to decide - again, this is what I read somewhere: when a child first comes into the world mummy or daddy (or any other carer) makes all the decisions for them - when they eat, where they go, what they wear, what they do; then they find out that they can make their own choices - and the sheer weight and responsibility of it can be quite scary and upsetting. (Think of how Obama must have felt when he first stepped into the White House). Sometimes you just have to decide for them if they get stuck - preferably without losing your temper.

My ds had a complete melt-down one day when he couldn't decide whether he wanted to wear shorts or trousers. He was really really upset and distressed and cried and cried. It would have been funny if he hadn't been such a wreck in such emotional turmoil. I had to decide for him in the end, and follow it up with lots of cuddles.

Good luck - I am constantly being told "Its just a phase, he'll grow out of it". In the meantime there is always chocolate. And cake.

The juice thing rings a lot of bells with me - DD (3) drives me potty sometimes with stuff like that. Also repeating questions. NO advice, just hugs.

Sorry haven't read through whole thread but she sounds just like my ds(8). She is still little so it might just be a maturity thing. My ds has memory and processing difficulties and really, there's not much you can do except find strategies to get around difficult situations. He has lists in his bedroom - one for morning and one for evening - so instead of asking him "have you brushed your teeth?, "have you got your lunch?" etc before he goes to school, I can just say "go and look at your list".

It took me a long time to accept it, but I now assume that unless I am talking directly to him, then he's not listening. We could all be in the car, talking about where we're going and what we're going to do when we get there, and he's completely zoned out. 2 minutes after he will ask "where are we going?" It's so infuriating but it's the way he is. He gets it from DH!

Wow it really sounds like there are plenty of others out there like her!

GettingBig I do wonder if the drink thing is just to see if i'll do it for her, like a test of my love and devotion for her or something.

narmada Thanks for the hug! Sending one back

trailingspouse How do you diagnose memory or processing difficulties? I think I have a relation that might have something like that. He can't seem to remember from one minute to the next even when I ask him not to do something as it's dangerous for my dcs (like leave a knife or hot drink within reach), he'll say "ok then" and then do it again a minute later!

DS doesn't have a formal diagnosis but we know that's what it is. Basically he's very chaotic and disorganised, dreamy and distracted, and has problems remembering how to spell words and difficulty with mental maths like times tables. The postive side is that he's very creative and a deep thinker. I think that if he can survive the formal side of school, he might do something great in the future.

Your DD is much younger though, I wouldn't worry yet.

5 year olds for instance are a huge pain in the arse.

DS1 did not shut up from about the age of 3 until about 6 and a half. Now he can go entire minutes without talking, minutes!.

I just learned to tune him out a bit for his safety as well as my sanity. When he got into the sort of thing you are describing here, I would say 'I already told you a couple of times, stop asking now, I will remind you when you need to be' and change the subject.

I did yell sometimes, because it is fucking annoying to have to repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and he just kept talking and asking. Argh!

I often find with my dd that if I get her to repeat it to me that it sticks a but more so- I say "First we will go to school" then she says it. Then I say "Then you will eat lunch" then she says it. Then I say "Then we will wait for the bus", which she then repeats. It is tedious but not quite as tedious as going over the same conversation again and again. Also if she does question me later, I try and give her hints/clues so she can recall it herself.