Looking for someone like me!

[Harriet81]

Hi,
I am a thirty year old mother of a lovely 10 week old boy and I can't find anyone like me.

My husband and I are very fortunate that our son sleeps very well, he has slept through the night since 5 and a half weeks (on thevery rare occaision that he now wakes earlier than 6am I give him a dummy and he settles very quickly) and has 2 three hour and 2 two hour naps a day. I have followed the advice given by the baby whisperer and after feeding and changing either my husband or I will play with him untill he shows signs of tiredness (usually about 30 mins). Occaisionally he will cry between feeds for a few mins and we leave him to soothe himself - when I know he is warm and safe and isn't hungry then I will leave him for up to 20 mins. Sometimes I worry that I'm doing the wrong thing, but he seems very content and is growing very well.
I dont want to keep him awake for longer as this makes him over tired and whilst I show him high contrast books, read and sing to him etc, I dont use other toys as I don't want to overstimulate him. I am aware that there is so much information that he has to assimilate every time he opens his eyes that at the moment simply calmly looking around the room is enough to entertain him.

All the other ladies with babies who I have met through NCT or prenatal yoga seem to feed completely on demand and because we are using different parenting methods and ideas I feel I dont have a lot in common with them. When we meet up they talk about nothing but their babies, and I would like to talk about my other interests as well and actually use my brain again - its therefore great when I meet up with my childless friends.

I love my baby very much and do all I can for him, the way I do it is just very different from all parents I already know. Please if you have similar parenting methods or ideas please get in touch. I need reasurance that Im not completely alone in what I am doing.

Thanks, I look forward to hearing from you.

10wo, not 4wo.

madwoman i certainly hadn't ment to imply that the op was neglectfull, if i did i apologise profusly. I also didn't accuse her of "endangering her baby"

I'll reiterate that the op said she wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing. Some people think she is and have said so. I am not so sure and have suggested something she might want to look at and see what she thinks. As many have said there are multiple ways to parent. I'm just saying if she's not 100% about that aspect of what she's doing, maybe attachment theory can help her figure it out.

It was ment as a line of inquirey, not an insult. You seem to think of it as the latter so let me reassure the op it was intended as the former. I didn't say out."needed" to look at it. Or any of the other terrible things you imply.

I have learnt a lot from mn because people have sign posted me to stuff i never would have known about otherwise. I have been very glad of this and am happy to pass on what i've learnt.

I'm sorry if this comes across as "holier than thou." I will endevour to be more carefull with my language in future. But i will not just ignore posts where i think what i know might be of interest. Because sometimes those posts are from me and i want others to tell me new things, rather than just saying "carry on".

So to try and draw my clearly inept involvement in this thread to a close, harriet, please don't be upset by any of my posts. I'm genuinely sorry if you have been. All i wanted to say is, if you are not sure you are doing the right thing by allowing your lo to fuss for twenty mins (i wasn't) just pick him up. You won't spoil him, he will learn to self sooth, and if you want to know why it's ok, look in to attachment theory.

tis ok moon - just that the attachment theory stuff has caused a lot of upset recently. i'm probably more touchy than the op.

fwiw (although i haven't seen the threads you you refer to) imo the term is often used incorrectly anyway. People talk about it as though it's all about one adult being physically attached to the child when as i understand it it's more just about meeting your lo's needs to help them feel secure. The former is attachment parenting which is related to but different to attachment theory. Imo the theory is relevant no matter what your parenting "style".

Or at least that's what i reckon...but i am ready to be corrected.

no, i think you are right. but unfortunately it has become used as a bit of a stick to beat particular people (usually, in fact always, i think, mothers) with, if for some reason they are not perceived to be personally catering to a child's every breath. despite bringing a child up in a perfectly loving and nurturing environment, with all needs met.

it was all a bit emotive, but probably best not to go there again!

OP I wish you had been around when my ds was born (20 months ago I'm afraid). I, like you, had a good sleeper and was confident that I knew what I was doing for my baby was ok. (i did, and still do, listen to other peoples opinions, and read parenting books, but I use my common sense to decide if I agree with the philosophies and take what I need and leave the rest). Most of the mums I met seemed to have forgotten they possessed common sense. They panicked about everything and their inane conversations about how long you could leave boiled water in a bottle before you had to throw it away drove me to despair.
The good news is if you join enough different groups eventually you will find some mums who want to talk about something other than babies. They are the ones you need to get the phone numbers from. Don't be a chicken, don't be shy, if you find someone who is even a tiny bit interesting grab their phone number. They will probably be so excited to also meet someone who doesn't want to just talk babies.

Thanks again for all your suggestions and comments.

Moon face, I was not offended by your comments and have found them helpful, in fact I have studdied attachment a lot in my degree and Masters and now work with a cohort of boys with emotional and behavioural problems mostly brought on through attachment disorder due to a general lack of parenting.

Like you Madwomanintheattic (great name btw) I believe that a balance is key. I don't believe that attachment theory should be used to instruct parents, more a guide to back up common sence.

Whilst I am an attentitive mother to my son, I just don't want him to be totally, 100% dependent on me for comfort.

Its been really interesting to read what yo all have to say, and really appreciate your advice. I will start another thread elsewhere with a more appropriate tag line.

Best wishes and have a good weekend.

Another vote for wouldn't leave a small baby to fuss for 20minutes :(

Apart from that I'm definitely in favour of doing whatever instinctively feels right for your child and its good you are confident in your parenting style. Don't worry if other mums are doing different things - it won't make as much difference later on. Do find other groups where you can mix with other people, or non-baby groups/things you can do too. I went to a bookgroup while mine was small enough to be portable.

I had a similar-ish problem initially in that my post-natal group was mainly GFites and I was doing demand-feeding, sling wearing, attachment parenting :) (Well, I didn't know the term then but have since found it and love it!)