Would another baby make me happy?

[Analyticalannie]

I have 3 children: DS1 16, DD1 14 and DS2 11. We did consider another one but financially we couldn't afford a people carrier. The years went on and I was happy picking them up from school and helping with homework etc.

DH works 7 days a week on the family farm and I have no family within 30 miles. It was really hard but I have loved every minute.

DS2 left primary last June and since then I have been extremely unsettled. I work 1 day a week in my NHS job, this is very stressful with lots of pressure and little if any management support. i do need a change but in this climate it wouldn't be easy.

We are now financially able to afford a 4th child, however I have just turned 42. My GP gently suggested that perhaps it is time to move on and that in 10 years time I might be a Grandma. I am very apprehensive at embarking on a pregnancy at this age and am also worried at the big gap. I have no desperate desire to be pregnant and have a baby, I just want the child we could have had. I think I want to keep the caring cycle going and retain the role I have enjoyed so much.

I do however have a DH who i adore and who will support me whatever i choose and 3 healthy happy kids. I would so appreciate any thoughts.

Similar to you in that i am 40 and have a 7 year old and have desperately wanted another child for the last 4 years.

I have been unable to have another child though. I too feel that i am incomplete. I need another child.

Just found out i am about 4-5 weeks pregnant, so fingers & everthing crossed.

Its more than a feeling, its a longing. yearning and a need, a physical need. It takes over every thought, its soul consuming.

So i "get it" and wish you luck with your decision and future.

Hi trailingspouse: The social worker basically said that when he spoke to grown-up adopted children (in families with birth children), they felt that they had been treated differently. He said he only knew of one family where it had been done and that "it looked like it was going O.K. so far". He was very negative and did not seem to understand why I would even consider it when we had three birth children. There are no reasons on our side. We have the room, have been happily married for eighteen years and have no medical problems. I thought of adoption because i felt it would allow us to complete the family without having to go through the worry of a pregnancy at this age. He however basically told me to forget about it.

Thighslapper: Congratulations on your pregnancy and I will remember you in my prayers.

I had a miscarriage between my first two and I can remember the despair that my DS1 would be an 'only child'. I also nearly lost my daughter when I nearly miscarried at 12 weeks. I had just started to relax at that stage and it happened when I was just through the door after a busy day at work. It was an awful shock - I can remember saying to my DH that I couldn't go through the same thing again. Thankfully the scan showed a little foetus and i was overjoyed! My obstetrician advised me that she may have been a twin or it could have been a blighted ovum which developed at the same time. She was born happy and healthy at full-term.

We have a huge table in our dining room and I love getting everyone round it for Sunday dinner. I just would have liked another child to be there too. What hurts me is that circumstances dictated our family - it wasn't that we were unable to have another one. It was just the way things worked out. My husband had to work day and night to keep the bank from taking the farm. (He inheirited the farm from his father). We just could not have afforded a people carrier. My dh was also frightened that the same thing could happen again and I would have to bedrest the whole way through the pregnancy. He was worried about coping with three young children when we had no support. As the years went on i was so busy taking the children to all their activities and getting them into grammar school, that the thought was pushed into the background.

It was only last June when my youngest left the primary and I felt an awful sensation of grief - devastated that part of my life was over. It is also heartbreaking that financially we have turned things round completely and are doing well. We could afford any car of our choosing.

I do however believe that things happen for a reason and I also believe that something good usually comes out of it. I have received lots of excellent advice from posts on this website and it really helps knowing that someone else cares enough to share their story - so thank you all!

Your dcs will be so much older than any adopted child (if you adopted a baby or toddler for example) - did he not think that could minimise effects of birth vs adopted children? That must have been very frustrating. I've been volunteering in an orphanage overseas recently and see all these little ones who need a family, so it makes me very annoyed when the system doesn't help at all! OK it might not be a perfect scenario to be with birth children as well but surely better than the alternative?!

Yes trailingspouse I naively imagined that my children would enrich the life of an adopted brother or sister, and vice-versa. I also stupidly thought that I would have an advantage with my parenting experience. Obviously not!

With regards to having another baby - I also wanted to say that what other people will think is a major stumbling block for me. If we lived on a desert island I wouldn't hesitate to give it a go - any budding psychologists understand that view? I am not a risk-taker and in some way I feel I would be criticised for the gap and for having one at my age.

And then I look at someone like Sian Williams who has had two in her 40s and start going round in circles again.