Not sure whether this is the appropriate section to post..but here goes
I have trouble coming to terms with the way my mum failed to bring me up in a stable environment and when I confront her about it in a way to let her see how it's affected me emotionally and psychologically, she draws a blank, denies responsibility, seeks excuses and doesn't show any emotions except maybe annoyance. I have my own baby now and mental health professionals are surprised to see that I can actually develop some sort of bond, because to them, if mine with my own mum was dysfunctional, I wouldn't have the love to give. I don't want the mistakes to be repeated so am working hard to achieve that.
I want to know what fellow mothers think about this and whether it's reasonable for a mother to do this to her child and be ok with it. It would help me to chew over the issue in an objective way so I can move on.
Long story short, I was looked after by her Mum or childcare when I was 9 months old due to work commitments. Dad was a sailor and away for extended periods of time even before my birth. When I was 4, I was packed away and flown to my Dad's Mum in another city to be looked after and to goto a new school, and I also remember going to stay in some sort of nursery but can't remember if it was overnight boarding (Chinese system). My Mum flew to Australia to pursue some sort of life there because at the time it was seen as the cool and opportunist thing to do for one's life. So she was away for 5 years, visiting maybe once or twice. When I was 9, me and my Dad went to join her in Australia to live.
Throughout my childhood, for as long as I can remember, I have felt emotionally empty, sad and extremely scared of people and the world. I could not look anyone in the eyes. I couldn't talk to anyone on a social level. I have lots of blocked memories and hence cannot recall a lot of factual events properly, sometimes not even emotions. I don't remember the day mum left and the day of moving to live with Dad's Mum. I never had a friend for the whole 9 years I lived in China. I always wondered around by myself and talking to people was foreign to me. I wet my pants a lot, even during the day, at school, and would be ashamed and endured the discomfort until I got home because past experiences of being humiliated by nursery workers have made me cautious in letting people know. I knew that there was a mother out there but I didn't know who she was, not even how she looked like.
When I went to Australia, problems escalated, I truanted and isolated myself in school. I felt that I didn't deserve friendships and expected to be isolated by others and when that happened due to self destructive behaviour, I felt lower. I had absolutely no self esteem or confidence. I had a breakdown in highschool in front of a class during a presentation, shaking uncontrollably in my neck and head and this continued nonstop for a few weeks maybe months afterwards. I couldn't look at anyone, not even people on the bus without breaking out in a head tremour. This continued to the current day. I could only make the occassional friend and have extreme social anxiety/phobia and avoidant personality disorder. I feel that throughout my childhood no one helped me or noticed the severity of my problems and I had to deal with it all alone as a child and now as a dysfunctional adult.
I cannot get over the fact that my own mother thought that fufilling her sense of adventure in another country (when she had a secure lecture job at home) was more important than personally overseeing my physical and emotional wellbeing. As a child I experienced many incidents that destroyed me, such as wetting myself all the time and being humiliated for it, having nursery workers force me to eat pork fat or else I was not allowed to leave the table, and being alone, self destructive and starved of love and friendship. I just thought that from a mother's perspective, wouldn't you worry about your child too much to leave them in another country where a million things could happen to hurt them. In my case it formed the foundations for a lifetime of problems.
Sorry for the long and detailed post! But I reallywant to know what fellow mums think !