Had baby last week and am now really intolerant/ inconsistent with DD

[beags1971]

Hi

Have a really lovely 2y10m DD. We are really close and she's a little star and throughout my pregnancy I was adamant that when the new baby came along DD would have to be the priority as it would be such a big change/ shock for her.

DD has been fantastic about the new baby - absolutely adores him. As a result she never wants to be more than a foot away from him and is constantly kissing and cuddling (and licking?!) him. This frequently involves her leaning on him with her full weight. Or waking him up. Or pushing down on his head whilst i'm feeding him - thus hurting my nipples. Of course she doesn't really understand this. I have tried explaining - but she is only 2.

As a result i feel i am constantly nagging her "don't wake him", "don't lean on him", "that's enough now" and on the worst occasion i pushed her away. Just typing this is making me cry because she is just lovely and i can't believe I'm being such a cow. I regret it the second it's happening. I then make an effort to put baby down as soon as poss and go to find DD and play with her, cuddle her etc. But then worry about confusing her. Luckily DH is being an absolute star with her and as a result she is gravitating more towards him (which of course i am jealous of - gah!)

Does anyone have any tips/ advice for getting through the newxt few weeks? will it get easier as i get more sleep? i basically feel like i am never going to get quality time just with her ever again. And i miss her (does that even make sense). And that she's going to go off me before i get my act back together.

Sorry to wibble on.

Bless you - it sounds normal to me! I was the same after the birth of my second DD.

But it will get easier. I too felt as if all I said was "don't,......." especially when my eldest was near the baby.

I tried to be more positive - ie "stroke like this" rather than "don't squash the baby's head!! but it is hard to do that all the time. Your newborn will soon become more robust too so you will be less anxious about him.

don't worry - this is just such a short stage and it will pass. How about asking your eldest to help - ie get the nappies etc so she is with you and you can praise her for that?
hope this helps!

First of all, congratulations on the new baby. Secondly, don't be too hard on yourself. If it was last week then you're over the euphoria and into the post-natal scrambled hormones!

Can you enlist her help on little tasks when she's all over him? Such as getting you a muslin, or baby's toy? Can you read a story to her while you're feeding, on condition she sits next to you?

Also, I guess she'll be going to pre-school in September, so you just have to hang on till then for a bit of 1-to-1 time.

It will certainly get easier when you get more sleep, and they both get older. My DS1 was 2.3 when DS2 arrived, now they're starting to play together. Sleep could still be improved mind you!

I know how you feel. I was constantly saying 'leave the baby alone while she's feeding' 'leave the baby alone while she's sleeping' 'leave her alone while she's upset' 'leave her alone while she's happy'. Poor dd1, there was no good time for her to be throwing herself at the baby.

It's a short time when it is like this. Try not to feel guilty and do whatever you need to get through it.

Sleep has a massive amount to do with it. I'm my least tolerant when I have had a bad night.

Try and include dd in on things like nappy changing, picking clothes etc. It will get easier once the baby is more robust and you get more sleep. Remember, dd has had you to herself for 2 years, and the benefits of having a sibling far outweigh the negatives.

I went through this too and a very wise mamma told me to use it as a learning curve - so everytime DD1 was suffocating her sister to show her how to cuddle a baby! It took about 5 weeks but i often am complimented by mums at tots groups how gentle DD1 (now 2 years 9 months) with babies and bar the normal sibling fights DD1 is very good with DD2. Oh and as a reasurrance pushing away your DD is very very normal. The only time i came close to hitting DD1 (i was with a friend who physically removed me) was when she bit DD2 hard enough to draw blood. The urge to protect your vunerable newborn is very strong.
I also priotised 1 on 1 time - i'm a single mum but my wonderful dad took DD2 out for an hour a week from birth so i could take DD1 swimming. I'm guessing your DH would be happy to do this? I have a friend whose DH has the baby around her toddlers bedtime so she can spend an hour bathing, reading stories and cuddling her tot. She reminds tot of this during the day - yes baby is feeding now but after supper its your time....
And lastly, lower your expectations - don't feel guilty just do the best you can.

Sorry, I am coming to this late, but had this same issue. DS2 is 6 weeks now, and for the first couple of weeks I found myself really pushing away DS1 (2.8), and constantly nagging him or asking DH to remove him. He wasn't doing anything too awful, just clambering all over me when I was breastfeeding (which was a struggle to begin with anyway) and getting a bit carried away with cuddling (near-suffocating) (and also licking!) DS2 (who he absolutely adores).

FourFish's advice is good - it took me a few weeks to realise that I couldn't expect DS1 to know how to play with a baby, I had to teach him. We now have a special box of "toys" (rattles, cloth books, teddies) that DS1 can use to play with DS2, which generally stops him from being too overbearing.

At the start of each day I get out a small selection of books and toys (e.g. jigsaws, etch-a-sketch) and DS1 gets to play with these / have me read to him each time I feed DS2. If he is good during the feed he gets a star sticker (one every 15 mins, so if more than a 15 minute feed, he potentially gets 2 stars).

I also keep DS2 up with DH and I in the evenings still so that I get my snuggle time with him, and he gets lots of individual attention too - that way I don't feel bad through the day if I'm doing a bit more with DS1 and letting DS2 just observe.

I think being a bit more involved with DS1 and his interaction with DS2 has made me realise what a lovely and loving little boy he is again, and we have our relationship back. We do lovely things while DS2 is sleeping, but more than that he is involved while DS2 is awake. I suspect you'll find the same soon, I was terrified in the first few weeks that I was only capable if being a good parent to one child at a time, but it's not like that any more, my 2 boys and I are a little gang now and I wouldn't change that.

Thanks so much for the advice and reassurance. I feel much better x