I don't know what to do anymore

[ClarasMummy]

I am a mum to a demanding 3 year old and an even more demanding 20 week old. I am suffering from severe post natal depression and have only recently gotten out of the psychiatric hospital.

My partner works long hours and I have very little in the way of family support. I know my children aren't having as happy a life as they deserve and I feel like a failure.

We very rarely leave the house unless there is someone else to help, which doesn't happen often and I really want to be able to take them out more than I do but the prospect just seems so unbelievably daunting.

My house is currently a total hovel and I don't know where to start.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to be a better mother to two children. I really didn't know it would be this hard.

Firstly - don't be too hard on yourself. Your children could be much worse off. You recognise the need for change and are trying to sort that out which is a brave step in the right direction.

Wish I could offer more helpful advice.

Awwww bless you OP.

I would get your Health Visitor on board pronto....she is there to help and advise and will be more than happy to do so...it's her job.

Wish i could pop round armed with some black bags and rubber gloves and help you clear your place out. It's so much easier to cope when you haven't the added pressure of the house being a tip to contend with. Whenever I have suffered bouts of depression, the housework is the first thing to go, so I really know about that.

Can your partner get stuck in to get it back to basics?

sorry to hear that :(

what's the situation with your DH's job? is there any way he could change it, or reduce the hours? your mental health is more important than money - if you could get by on less income, it's worth considering IME.

Hi ClarasMummy, Are you still having some phsychiatric support? Maybe still seeing a therapist? If so, do you find this is helping at all?

Small steps, what is it that you find so daunting about taking them out? You don't need mammoth trips to Legoland. Just a small walk outside, no one else will mind or notice if you look a bit of a muddle. If you just find one thing each day that you set out to do that is an achievement you can focus on. It's really hard when you feel you don't have anything to give and a 20 week baby is still v young.

Are there any new baby groups near you? Maybe if you knew every Tuesday you could get to toddler group you could start to give each day a structure that would help you move through the week?

Thank you all for the responses.

I don't know what exactly I find so daunting about leaving the house with them, I just do and I have zero motivation to do anything.

My partner's job is already on shaky ground as he needed to take quite a lot of time off for my pregnancy so he can't help anymore than he does.

I am seeing a therapist twice a week who comes to the house but I don't feel like it's helping much. I am also on anti-depressants which make me incredibly lethargic.

Everyone just says to just get on with it and stop feeling sorry for myself but I literally can't. I don't feel like I can take it another day.

I do think my days would benefit from some form of routine and structure but I don't really know what sort of routine is best for a 20 week old.

It's all about baby steps.
If the house is bogging you down and making you feel more out of control (if ours is a tip it drives me mad), plan 10 minute bursts of "doing" - when the baby is napping or your 3yr old is engrossed in something. Or, get your 3 yr old involved. The one I looks after loves wielding a duster with a bit of polish on or trying to pair up socks etc.

Nothing is insurmountable, you just need to change how you look at it all and break it up into manageable little bitesize chunks.

Or get a friend round to help! I go round to my sil's every few months and help her blitz everything and she always feels so much better with us cracking on and having a good old natter at the same time.

Look at your baby's routine already and kind of plan the rest of your day around that and the needs of your other child. Do they go to nursery yet? Don't forget to plan yourself some downtime too - chilling on the sofa with a cuppa and the baby and some trash on the tv, or a bath while the baby is asleep etc.

I'm a bit too practical and will try to help with the physical everyday stuff but am not so good with the mental health, I just don't understand. I don't mean to be unsympathetic but sometimes the people who are telling you to just get on with it, might be like me and be pragmatic in their approach to life.

Do you like lists? Even writing one and ordering your mind can be helpful, and crossing things off feel like a marvellous achievement even if it's an essentially simple job. x