Failing to juggle newborn and 3-year-old

[juneau]

DS2 was born two weeks ago and since then I've felt like I'm just not coping. I'm EBF him and when he's awake he just wants to hang out on the breast all day, which would be okay if I didn't have a 3-year-old as well. DS1 is being lovely with the baby and isn't showing any signs of meanness or jealousy, but he's definitely feeling neglected and has started to act up.

In addition, I'm ridiculously sleep deprived because baby is waking really erratically during the night, is day/night confused so generally really lively between about 10pm-2am. I'm averaging 3-4 hours a night and I'm strung out and exhausted, which makes me irritable during the day.

DS1 goes to nursery three days a week, which should, in theory, give me enough time to catch up on sleep, clean, take care of other stuff, but with DS2 feeding almost constantly and screaming to be held or BF I find it challenging to do anything at all. My mother was here for a week and has now gone home and this morning when I begged her to come back she told me to get a grip and start imposing some kind of schedule on DS2 because he doesn't need to be feeding around the clock. Now I know that this is largely a generational thing and that she and other 70s mothers are big on 'routine', but I'm starting to think how great it would be if DS2 were in some kind of routine, because at the moment he always wants to feed just when I need to be taking DS1 to nursery or give DS1 his bath/story, etc, and now that I have no help at home (DH went back to work today), I need to be giving both children some quality time and DS1 needs to not have his routine screwed around with constantly while I accommodate the baby.

Please help if you can. How do I do this? I just want some harmony and routine in my life again so I can give both children the attention they need, just not at exactly the same time.

Hugs hugs hugsxxxxxxx

I was there, just over 4 years ago! You know what I'm going to say - it will get better, very soon, and it is just because your LO is so tiny. And you are exhausted.

Remember, the first 2 weeks are the hardest. Soon, there will be a time of day when LO will sleep for a slightly longer stretch (probably right at the most inconvenient time!), but if you can, go straight to bed! My eldest was 3 at the time, and was at nursery mornings. I used to grab a couple of extra hours sleep then, and then go to bed at 7pm, and stay in bed 7pm to 7am, just getting up for feeds. I worked out I could average 7 hours sleep in 24 hours, which kept me sane.

You have also just got over the 10 day growth spurt, so will have been feeding constantly, but it should settle a bit soon.

Hang on in there.
xxx

I was there nearly 9 months ago, 2.10 age gap. I have fed the baby at nursery or in the car park (could at least listen to the radio) after dropping DD2 off. DD2 spent the first 3 months in a wrap when not being fed so I was hands free to sort out the older one. There was lots of TV for a while which I felt guilty about. I was really stressed about it at my 6 week check and my GP (mother of 3 including twins) told me to relax and that it wouldn't kill either of them to wait to be seen too for a minute.

I know it's hard but you will cope and it will get easier. My two are really fond of each other know and are always giggling at each other.

Sorry you are feeling unsupported by your mum. That makes it harder imo.

Get a sling and forget about housework except the bare essentials (something out to defrost for dinner by mid-morning) for now. Sit and rest with the baby even if it's hard to nap. Are you co-sleeping or getting up several times a night? Co-sleeping can give you more continuous hours in the bed and you doze and feed instead of having to get up and make the effort to walk to the baby.

This is what TV and a DVD collection are for. You and DS can sit together and sing along or chat about the programme (your mind is numb enough not to suffer much more damage at this point). Don't feel guilty about cutting corners with the DS and the amount of attention you can give him. He is occupied, supervised and busy in nursery, probably learning lots and having fun with activities. It will never go back to the place where you could give him your full attention now that you have two to care for. Try to see this as something that will be good for the DS in the long run, because it really is.

could you get a postnatal doula to help you?

Thanks for all your replies - it's nice to just hear some supportive words TBH. The midwife dropped around this afternoon to discharge me and she was really sweet too. Reassured me that what I'm feeling is totally normal, said all the books are written for first-time mums and that second-timers are left to get on with it by everyone, that going from one to two is much harder than most people acknowledge, etc. I know these early weeks are hard - I remember from DS1 and I know it will get better. Ho hum. Just a bad day. I've cried more today than I have in the past two weeks

I found cbeebies/fave DVDs invaluable when DD was born (2yr age gap betw her and DS). DD was a frequent night waker too, so I used to have a box of toys/activities that I would get ready for DS every night before bed, just changing a couple of books and things over so there were new things in it each day. When I was stuck on the sofa feeding, I'd either look at books or watch TV with DS and make sure I made the odd relevant comment to whatever was happening (it helps if you can watch fave DVDs which you know off by heart, then you don't have to concentrate too much ). I'd also make a list of all his toys and choose a couple to try and play with in the day - e.g. he has collection of bob trucks and thomas trains, so in the rare few minutes DD was happy on the baby gym, I'd spend a few minutes setting things up with DS and then let him get on with playing, with the odd minute here and there of joining in. I found that was enough to make him feel I was giving him attention. (the reason for doing a list was I was so brain dead, if I ever had 5mins spare to play, I couldn't focus on anything to think what I could do, and kept forgetting all the stuff he has that's in the cupboard, so it helped to change thigns around every day for him).

I don't know how much your DP is able to help out, but if he can sort evening meal and even get something ready for you for lunch the next day, that might free up some time. DH used to make me a sandwich, which really helped. I did my supermarket shop online and also the only thing that got ironed for the first 6 months were DH's work shirts. Also, can he take DS2 when he comes home just so you can have quality time with DS1 for half an hour or so? - esp if you can manage it just after DS2 has a feed. I tried as much as possible to keep to DS's routine - not that it's that set in stone, but we do things in the same order every day, so I wouldn't worry if that meant lunch was 12pm one day or 1230 the next, but as long as DS gets the same things in the order he's expecting. And if you can get you all out in the day for even just half an hour or so, again, timed after DS2 has just had a feed say, and might nap in the pram, or baby carrier, whichever he prefers. that might give you some time with DS1 whilst baby is content too.

And is there any chance your local library does story time on a day DS1 isn't in nursery? he'll be happy being entertained and hopefully DS2 will be happy in a sling/carrier for half an hour. You can sit and stare into space, or even browse through a book if you can focus on the pictures!!! (leave the ones with lots of words till you're feeling more human!)

I think what you're going through is perfectly normal, but not many women talk about it in RL - and like you say, our mother's generation were so big on routine and expected the baby to fit around their lives they don't get the whole demand feeding and heaven forbid the baby should feed more frequently than every 4 hours! - my mum kept asking me everytime I went round when I was going to stop BF.

As everybody says, it does get easier. It just doesn't feel like it's going to at the time!