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Original poster

my boyfriend is feeling guilty because he can't cope with looking after our 16 month old baby.

15 replies

nadinou · 23/05/2011 10:26

my boyfriend is feeling guilty because he can't cope with looking after our 16 month old baby.

He says that he is not cut out to look after our little boy. He gets annoyed at him and then feels guilty.
Since our baby was born he's had a high pressured job and he feels that the pressure of providing for us and coping with work is getting too much.
I'm worried that one day he'll walk out on us.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 23/05/2011 13:18

Poor you, that sounds hideous. It sounds like he's not enjoying being a parent but rather probably approaching it like another job (i.e. to be efficient, have high expectations etc.) Show him that the first part about being a dad is to play with him and enjoy it. Do you ever take family trips anywhere on a day out where you can be the parent but he can relax and enjoy you both?

Is he committed to changing this? Would he consider going on a parenting skills course? Is he very young? Are there any Satadads (or similar) groups locally where he could hang out with other fathers (it's amazing what you can pick up from observing others.)

I don't really know what else to suggest really but hope someone a bit better comes along shortly to help you.

Bucharest · 23/05/2011 13:20

You need to post this in relationships. This is nothing to do with him being a parent. It's to do with him not being commited to having a family with you.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/05/2011 13:23

That's a bit harsh, Bucharest. There are lots of other possible interpretations: sometimes men take a while to bond with their babies, he might be very stressed at work, or he could have other anxieties that are making him feel he can't cope. If a woman posted this everyone would say PND, why jump instantly to the conclusion that this man is struggling simply because he doesn't really want to be in the relationship?

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Bucharest · 23/05/2011 13:26

16 mths is "a while" though isn't it? And to say he's not cut out for looking after his own child? And to get angry with that child because of his own feelings? Man, I'd be getting the hell out of Dodge City.

BertieBotts · 23/05/2011 13:33

I think a parenting course is a really good idea. Getting annoyed with your child is normal - they do things which are completely illogical to an adult mind and often unexpected. If you haven't had much experience with children as well, you might have unrealistic expectations. The key is knowing how to deal with things as they happen. If you understand why your child is probably doing something, you stop taking it so personally. He's not being annoying on purpose. He's just 16 months old and that's what they do - he will grow out of it. In the meantime you both need to get on the same page with your coping strategies.

It's good in a way that he feels guilty, because he knows getting annoyed is not the answer and that there are different ways of dealing with things.

What kind of thing is he finding annoying, and how do you cope or deal with that particular behaviour?

SenoritaViva · 23/05/2011 13:58

Actually Bucharest he has spoken about his feelings to his DP and so at least they are being honest with each other. I don't see so far, Bucharest, how any of your comments have actually helped the DP.

OP how is your boyfriend's relationship with his parents? Does he have younger siblings etc?

sittinginthesun · 23/05/2011 14:02

I know exactly what you mean.

It took my husband ages to feel confident with both my boys. In fact, DS2 is four years now, and it is only in the last couple of months that I have truly felt comfortable leaving them alone for any length of time!

He loves them to bits but got so stressed about looking after them alone, it was hardly worth asking him. When they were babies, he just couldn't get the knack of nappies etc, all fingers and thumbs:) and as the got older, it was the tantrums. I would go out for a couple of hours, and come back to find them all in tears (including him).

It did get better as they got older - I would send them out to play football, or he would take them on their bikes. Now, he has the most fantastic bond with my eldest (7 year old) and I can see it coming with the youngest.

You do need to talk to your OH, it does sound as though it is all getting on top of him. I think we sometimes underestimate how much pressure it can be - I really found it took my OH a good few years to get used to being a dad, and all that involves. It didn't help that some of my girl friends were saying I should just leave him to get on with it - sink or swim etc. When I signed up for this marriage, the deal was to support each other. I supported him through this, and now we are a strong family unit.

Give him lots of hugs and support and encourage him to build his own relationship with his child. xxx

Original poster
nadinou · 23/05/2011 14:09

thanks for your answers, he's had a very good relationship with his dad and not so good with his mother. He's the yougest of 2 boys. His brother is very successful and more independent than he is. Their mother was always closer to his brother.

OP posts:
SenoritaViva · 23/05/2011 14:14

Would he be willing to read any books, or go to counselling (he might not have the time with his job) if not a parenting course.

Also, is there anything he does enjoy? Like giving a bath or playing? You could encourage him to just do that to start off with? I think you need to say it is OK and it will get easier but that he might need extra help and you think this is fine. Does he take offence if you try to show him how to do things? It doesn't sound to me like he doesn't care, just that he is rather lost. Make him realise how important he is to both you and your son.

petaluma · 23/05/2011 14:24

My dh, who is a wonderful dad now, really struggled with looking after our ds when he was younger. He avoided getting up in the mornings with him, taking him out anywhere on his own and got annoyed with him a lot. He also always deferred to me for everything which got really wearing, particularly when I went back to work.

He has since admitted he was very depressed about his job (v high pressure, unpleasant work environment) and since that has improved and my ds has got older and easier to deal with, he has grasped fatherhood with both hands.

I don't think dh is particularly a baby/young toddler person and maybe your dp will be better when your dc gets a bit older. I know it's hard and very disappointing but some people are like this.

Hope he hangs on and it gets better soon. Having a baby is the biggest test a relationship can have imo.

x

petaluma · 23/05/2011 14:28

ps: I know my dh found my suggestions of going to a dad's toddler group, reading books, or anything that meant him having to actually face what he was most trying to avoid made the situation worse. If you can bear it, and you know he's a decent guy despite the issues, then maybe just try and ride it out.

sittinginthesun · 23/05/2011 15:59

Hi again

Reading back through your posts, I think he will be just fine. It just takes time. He sounds very much like my OH, who also has a high pressured career, an older brother who was very close to his Mum and, I think, had always felt he wasn't good enough.

We had a few very hard years when the children were babies, but believe me, it does get better. In fact, he actually felt better when we had our second child as he said it was almost as though he knew his job now. He was "Daddy", and he loved it.

It is hard on you, because it's almost like having another LO to look after (don't tell him that!), but it is worth it if you really want to make it work. xxx

sittinginthesun · 23/05/2011 16:00

Hi again

Reading back through your posts, I think he will be just fine. It just takes time. He sounds very much like my OH, who also has a high pressured career, an older brother who was very close to his Mum and, I think, had always felt he wasn't good enough.

We had a few very hard years when the children were babies, but believe me, it does get better. In fact, he actually felt better when we had our second child as he said it was almost as though he knew his job now. He was "Daddy", and he loved it.

It is hard on you, because it's almost like having another LO to look after (don't tell him that!), but it is worth it if you really want to make it work. xxx

mathanxiety · 23/05/2011 18:47

Is he controlling in any way?

mathanxiety · 23/05/2011 18:54

You cope if you make it a priority, just as I'm sure he copes in his job. You take the line he has taken if you are ambivalent about it all. I agree with Bucharest here -- what is the high pressure job about if not the DS and you and the family's life? Being a parent to a 16 month old is not going to give you the sort of ego stroking that having a high pressure job will.

He needs to stop thinking the parent child relationship is about what he is getting out of it and make it all about what he can put into it, or it will never improve for him and he will be more and more of a burden for you to bear and those worries about him leaving will become more and more present. If he thinks he can't cope now, how will he be when the Terrible Twos and Threes are upon you?

Where I was going with my question on 'controlling' was that for some people, being around a completely (and naturally and normally) self centered little being (a toddler) is more than they can handle because they themselves are not mature enough to realise that the world doesn't revolve around them.

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