Please help me calm down and tell me how can I encourage my child's friendships

[MerryMarigold]

I feel really upset about my ds1. Warning: he is my PFB, but I do have 2 other kids and I am a very (maybe too much so) relaxed parent. I am questioning my approach to parenting now...and just really want some help in knowing how to help him. I suppose I'm very 'child-led' in my approach, so I've never engineered friendships for him, I've not 'encouraged' him to watch Star Wars or play with certain toys if he's happy with more 'babyish' toys and programmes and books. I haven't 'pushed' academically at all. I just wanted him to have a real childhood, but now I feel I have harmed him in the area of friendships.

He's a really sensitive boy, and he's not in the 'cool crowd' of kids (which seems to be quite large). He's fairly immature as far as a lot of the other boys go. He likes to play cars still, he still talks about poos and wees and he's happy with Cbeebies. Dr Who scares him to death. He's not picked up reading and writing as quickly as other kids. The boys in his class are quite 'advanced', according to the teacher, more so than the girls which is unusual. He's left out a lot. The 2 kids he ends up playing with are not the kids he wants to be friends with. I've asked whether he wants to invite them round and he says, "No, they are not my friends." So he obviously 'ends up' playing with them rather than really choosing their friendship. He recently had a friend who was one of the cooler boys, but this boy asked some bigger boys to hit him and tease him, and has been so horrible to ds1 that he has finally given up on that friendship , which made him really sad as that boy was possibly his only 'real' friend ie. someone he wanted to be friends with, and actually played with. He was also 'rejected' by the boy down the road, who was his best friend in nursery but went off with other kids when they got to Reception, and it took ds1 about a term to 'find' another friend.

Today we are having a boy round that ds1 has begged me to have round. His Mum was a bit surprised as she said they don't really play together even though he is always talking about this boy .

I feel so stressed about this playdate, like there is so much riding on it. I feel so tearful about my ds1 and I am not the type to cry. I didn't have friends at school, so I feel his pain in this. And yet, I don't know what to do to help him...

Advice would be very much appreciated.

I'm sorry but I can't be much help but I wanted to reply as it made me so sad reading your post as I am going through very similar thing with my DD1 who is 6. She just doesn't seem to 'fit' with the other girls in her class, she's a real tomboy and has always got on well with boys but the girl / boy split seems to have happened now and so she can't really be part of the boy group, but the girls don't seem to like her and don't let her play. I feel torn apart and distraught as she is so sad and I have also found myself in tears when discussing it with DH. We keep asking different girls over to play (she really wants to be friends with the girls) and they seem to have a lovely time while here but nothing comes of it back at school and she is never asked on playdates (made really obvious by the fact that her 4 yr old sister is). As you have experienced the mothers always seem quite surprised when I ask their DDs over as they don't see my DD1 as one of their daughter's friends.

So.... what to do.... keep persevering with playdates and also try and see if there are any out of school children he can be friends with (a few of my friends have similar aged children to DD1 and she always enjoys seeing them and it seems to bolster her confidence). For this playdate I'd suggest having in mind a vague structure to the afternoon and a few suggestions of things to do, but try not to interfere too much. Oh and lots of very delicious and fairly naughty food!!

I have spoken to her teacher and asked her to try and keep an eye on it and ensure that DD1 is not left out, but that hasn't helped enormously unfortunately (DD1 doesn't wander around looking left out and will often play with DD2 and her nursery friends if no one in her class will play with her - which doesn't help with her friendship situation but at least means she's not spending all of playtime sitting by herself on the supposed 'buddy bench' which has often happened on days when DD2 is not at nursery).

I do hope someone else has some more suggestions which we can both follow.

Hi NellytheElephant (that was my nickname at school!). Thanks so much for posting. It is really helpful actually to know others go through this and makes me feel like I'm not a complete fruitloop for feeling so awful about it. Thanks for playdate suggestions. Fishfingers and chips with ice-cream after, it is!! (Was toying with pasta, but you've made my mind up!). I spoke to the teacher a while ago, and she basically said that a lot of the other kids had 'engineered friendships', as they have older siblings and the mums already know each other. There's a few who seem to have overcome that, but ds1 isn't one of them. I guess I should be grateful that he does have some kids to play with.

I'm totally happy with him not being in this 'in crowd', but it makes me sad that he's not happy with the kids he does play with and that his happy, confident self has taken a bashing over this. I think he senses this awful 'survival of the fittest/ coolest' kid and desperately wants to be like them - seems to be so young that this starts at 5 years old! I had a chat with him today and said mummy didn't have anyone to play with at school, so it's nice that Z and Q play with him. Should I persevere in encouraging those friendships even though he doesn't really want to? How do I teach him that all children are lovely?

Merry I have no advice but wanted to say hi and for your DS1.

I can only imagine how you must feel and wish I could offer some constructive advice - other than make it a fantastic playdate so the children want to come again and the friendships will hopefully start to develop from that.

I had gone to pick up DS1 from a playdate a while ago with a boy from school whose mum I had got friendly with - don't think DS1 and this boy actually played together that much at school. When I got there, it came up in conversation about DS1 going again for another playdate and this other boy said 'no he can't' to whch DS1 burst into tears - I felt so awful for him and realised that you can't protect them from the real world, however much you want to Not really why I am sharing that as it is not really relevant but I guess just showing that life sucks sometimes, even when you are 5!

He sounds like a perfectly normal 5 yo to me. Don't they all talk about poos and wees?? Mine does anyway, also plays with cars most of the time, also has limited number of friends and doesn't seem that bothered about the ones he has. But most of the time he's very happy and smiley and outgoing. I think that he will make his own friends in time, it's definitely quality not quantity where friendships are concerned in my book.

One thing I would suggest is introducing him to some kind of hobby, sport or interest, something that's "his".

Actually yes, I hadn't commented on that but I think your DS1 is just slightly older than mine and my DS1's fave topic of conversation is poo/wee etc etc. He also watches a lot of CBeebies and Disney Junior (partly because of DS2 but he does also seem to quite enjoy those programmes). So I don't think your DS1 seems out of the ordinary in that respect

my son is five and in reception. he is immature for his age and perhaps not as quick with the reading etc as some of the other boys, he is bright but I do want him to have real childhood like I did without too much pressure. in fact I disagree with homework for five year olds but that is another story. I try to keep playdates to a minimum as he is often quite tired coming home from school. he plays around with lots of different kids including girls and older children. will play alongside the autistic boy in his class quite happily and has been for playdates at his house (we are friends with the boys parents). I don't think he has much conception of what 'cool' is. i don't think there is really a 'cool' crowd in reception? He's perfectly happy and seems to have a really good attitude to other kids and making friends. I wouldn't dream of letting him watch Dr Who and he enjoys nature and picking flowers/grasses (!) He does get invitations to parties but mostly the whole class ones.

Obviously if your son is unhappy then you have cause for concern but he is still very young. I agree with OP about the usefulness of out of school friendships. Not sure playdates are the answer if they are stressing you out.

I've got 3 children, oldest is 12 (Y7) and youngest is 8 (Y3).

Having tortured myself with very similar thoughts about my oldest all the way through primary school, I can now say with some certainty that there was nothing wrong with him at all, he was just unlucky with the boys in his class. Now he's in an all boys secondary with 29 other boys in his class, he's thriving and has made some really nice friends just like him. He stuck out like a sore thumb in his primary class and didn't really click with anyone (and I struggled to click with the other mothers of the boys he liked). IME, some classes are just like that - dd1 has lots of choice of girls in her class and there are lots of middle children, plus I've made some good friends amongst the other mothers. However, Dd2's class has few girls and quite a few oldest children where the mums are busy networking/playdate arranging and I'm not in the loop at all (and don't have the time to put into it). The boys in DS's class were virtually all second or third children, so mums not particularly interested in playdates and DS looked quite un-streetwise against the other boys.

My advice would be to cultivate group/team activities outside school, maybe more than you would ideally like. If he is mixing with some of these boys out of school but in organised activities, you may well find it'll help him in school (although if they're all little sheep then possibly not). Things like Beavers, football, music groups, drama etc rather than solitary piano lessons IYKWIM. This will then mask the lack of playdates in the short term and may well lead to more out of school friends which would be fantastic.

Hope this helps a little

Hope you're feeling better about things now MerryMarigold.

I agree with golden ticket.
I would stop discussing you children's friendships with them- it will make them think about it more and make it more of an issue for them. If my son (8) is out of the in-crowd I pobably wouldn't know. But I make sure he is happy at home, has lots to talk about and other interests, and the other stuff seems to slot into place.
These other friendships may all be more to do with parents being friends rather than kids deciding.
Do not worry about it- you can only control the time you have with them- make this fun and relaxed and I am sue the rest will work out.

Thanks for all your advice and support....much appreciated. I think I have been very 'uninvolved' in friendships and am generally quite a 'hands off' Mum, but was beginning to doubt whether this had been good for him. Seems like the Mums who are a bit more 'involved' have kids who have lots of friends!! I'm only stressed about the friends thing as he is so unhappy at school, and his confidence has been damaged greatly this Reception year. He also behaves much worse at school than he does at home, because he is unhappy there, so I have been trying to think of things which would help him be happier. Another Mum basically told me I need to take more control over this situation, and it kind of rang true for me. Kangers, I will stop discussing with him, that's good advice. He is bound to pick up some of my stressed, and I am only stressed because he's unhappy, but he probably won't understand that part of it.

Thanks so much for the reassurance goldenticket about the class and that it can change. I think that is certainly some of it, it is an unusual class apparently. He had a lovely friend in Nursery who was totally on his wavelength, but moved away last summer. I was thinking of asking for him to switch classes into a group where the boys are a bit younger (the summer birthdays are all in one class at our school). Some outside stuff is a good idea - he's very creative, so perhaps that 'kind' of class would have more boys 'like him'.

Hello ceebeegeebies. I didn't recognise your 'new' name for a minute there!!

The playdate. Well, it wasn't hugely successful. To be honest, I'm not big on playdates as I have enough work with 3 kids! But as ds1 kept begging, I did ask this boy round. In the end, it was fairly obvious that they don't play much together in school. The boy is very 'adult oriented' and wanted to talk to me all the time, and wanted me to join in all the games etc. It was really hard trying to get them to play together and balance giving them space/ helping the other boy have a nice time. I think ds1 was very disappointed as his behaviour gradually got worse, just being silly like throwing things around and making silly faces/ noises, things he never does at home. It was an insight into how he behaves at school. I think the other boy enjoyed himself anyway.

Anyway, guess what? Another Mum spoke to me today and said her son had been begging for ds1 to come round! We didn't arrange an actual date, but it was well timed, and ds1's little face lit up .

Excellent Merry-
My DS has friend to play and often they do not actually play- in fact they often fight!! But they always want to repeat it. You can't always tell what they enjoy. Just make sure you provide fish fingers as suggested before and sweets/ chocs and you will always get friends visiting. Things do change in the blink of an eye in reception. They develop at different rates and make new friends all the time.
Good luck.

Glad to hear that your DS has been asked to play with a new friend .

Have you thought about getting your DS involved in something like Beavers? It would give him a chance to mix with a slightly different group of people in a different social setting and might take some of the pressure off him having to form close friendships at school ATM. Also having the chance to try some new activities (which might come more easily to him than schoolwork) might give him a confidence boost.

If this is any consolation, my DD1, now aged 12 didn't seem to have many close friends / BF all the way through juniors and I felt quite sad about it. Now her friends have matured a bit and she is seen as the steady one out of the group - reliable and not part of the bitchy/ falling out thing that goes on. I am thrilled and greatly relieved.

I did used to worry about her wanting to play on her own, but she seems to have enough friends now and has a healthy attitude to them - she is not desperate for the friendship but happy with them, and even suggests inviting friends around from outside the group. I know that her friends like to come here for sleepovers, as they can be quite noisy without being told off, and they like the fact that we talk to thema nd eat with them, and they don't just go off to her room together . My 3 DD all share a large room, and I was worried that this woudl put DD1's friends off, but they quite like the big party atmosphere, and playing with DD3's toys and DD3 (baby & family games) which I guess they don't have access to at home as they are generally the youngest or only children.

So my news is that there is hope and it does get better, and even the youger siblings are a bonus and attraction to the friends.

Good luck.

Merry,

was also friendless. one child now a leader, other at risk of exclusion (some SN)

hope you don't mind me firing off some advice:

1. They call them "social skills" nowadays for a reason - they are skills you can learn just like playing the piano or learning to read. Best book is "The Unwritten Rules of Friendship". It's aimed at 7+ but I'd buy it now. The more you think of it as skills he is still learning, the less it feels like torture and/or a rerun of your own childhood. If the skills didn't come naturally to you, all the more reason to think of them as a subject you have to study.

1. Try to focus on being a family that has fun together. If he considers his siblings to be his friends, he won't feel as needy and desperate in the playground. Also, if you as a family radiate the fact that you are having fun, others will be attracted to you. At all times remember that it's ok for you just to be together as a family. I can remember DS1 teling me "I ran over to the gate and cried but no-one followed me" and it brought back so many memories... but I steeled myself and said "no, and you know what? they never will. I always will, your father always will, and your brother will, but school friends won't". Once he accepted that, he seemed able to put the school friendships more in perspective.... (and became much more popular because he was no longer radiating the desire for attention/neediness).

good luck.

Bits I have learnt

Lots of us were told at yr1 parents evening that most of the boys hadn't got best friends. They were a mix that mixed up often. Your DS does not sound immature for his age.

Many people say playdates a good idea then don't follow through & this does not reflect on your DS/you. 1 woman kept mentioning one to DS but it took forever because the other child had activities Mon-Thurs, Sat was family time & Sunday was for church.

Bubbles are not just for birthday party bags - will always result in laughter on a playdate.

Agree with Pipr that friends via outside school activities can be great confidence boost.

Play football at home because this will become the school lunchtime activity.

Hobbies are another way to make friends. DD1 wasn't great at making friends until she hit about 7, maybe even 8. But she made a lovely friend at her dancing class, and they have playdates together.
DD2 has just turned 7, and while she has people to play with at school, nobody that she calls a best friend.
Sometimes it just takes a bit of time.

merry marigold - I hope this is helpful but your situation sounds very like the things a friend of mine has gone through with her DS. His best friend from nursery ( a girl ) totally rejected his friendship at the end of reception year and he was really lost and lonely for a while which broke my friend's heart (and mine too).

They are at a different school to my DD but we've always made the effort to meet up and to be honest he is the sweetest boy with my two daughters and I love him to bits.

He's in Year 3 now and things have settled down and he's made some lovely friends. It seems like the boys were a bit of a 'pack' for a while but now they seem to have split up into smaller groups.

Your children are lucky to have a mum who cares about them and I hope things work out ok for all of you.