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Parenting

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Original poster

How much parenting help do you get from your significant other?

16 replies

Vincenzoo · 23/05/2011 08:15

Am just interested really.

We have a six-month old and I think I do my bit, without being up for any awards or anything, but I am aware just how effing hard my partner works.

When the boy goes for a nap, I tend to think: great, feet up, read the paper - whereas she will get on with washing, cleaning bottles, preparing food, cleaning up, etc. Now I'm more aware that there is always something to be done.

I've improved my contribution but I know she does more (and usually better).

So I was wondering how much everyone's partners' contribute?

I've met mums who can't speak highly enough about the dads, and others who can barely spit out his name. I've also had stick from more trad dads about being too 'right on' and involved - and mates who just want me back in the pub.

So how is it for you?

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lindy100 · 23/05/2011 08:23

My DH baths our 1.10 yr old DD every night, is happy to play with her for long stretches if I want him to - usually gardening - and will happily cook food for her. The playing and cooking, though, I usually have to initiate.

I think this is probably partly because I'm a control freak! and partly because I have always done stuff and am around more (I work three days a week) and so I know and can anticipate more her needs and have built the structure of my day around it more e.g. she only really falls asleep in the car these days, so I try to make sure I have a short-ish journey at the right time, long enough for her to go off. DH doesn't think of these things. And when she is asleep I prepare food/washing/cleaning - DH wouldn't. He says himself he expects me to do more as I am at home more. I disagree with teh sentiment of this, but it's not that important in the scheme of things.

So in my opinion and experience, I do tend to do more, but I say when I need more and he does it. If you are the type of person who will help out when asked, and your OH is the type of person who asks, there shouldn't be too much of a problem.

The challenge for us is going to come when DC2 is born, in August. I'm not sure how things happen with two...

cory · 23/05/2011 08:33

Dh has always been very involved, taking half the work whenever he is at home. When dd was little he took a day's unpaid leave/week so I could go back to work, tough on our finances but probably saved my mental health. And it did mean that he learnt what a whole day's SAHP work looks like, so he doesn't need to be told what to do. And I always felt I could leave dcs with him and the household would carry on functioning just as well.

lindy100 · 23/05/2011 09:38

Forgot to say that I have done the occasional day's overtime and DH will always, without question, take a day off work to spend with her - like cory, the household runs just as well without me there! Though the dishwasher probably won't get unloaded :)

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Allegrogirl · 23/05/2011 09:47

My DH was doing a full time degree and working weekends when DD1 was born. I did more than my share as well as being main earner and resented it. He did do a bottle feed from 3 months so I could get a longer stretch of sleep.

Since being pregnant with DD2 he's really started doing a lot more. It helps that he is no longer a student or a shift worker. I do find if I go out and leave him in charge with both that when I come home nothing else is done. Children fed and clean and that is it. It also annoys me that in 9 months he has never taken the two of them out of the house on his own.

However he is great at DIY/car stuff, cooks, washes up and will deal with poo which I hate. I think we have a reasonable division of labour.

We take it in turns to go to the pub when the kids are asleep. Being a dad has limited some aspects of his social life but he loves being with the kids and ignores any comments from friends.

RitaMorgan · 23/05/2011 09:50

I don't feel like I get any "help", we're equally parents.

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/05/2011 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

debka · 23/05/2011 10:40

I feel like a single parent a lot of the time. DH baths the DDs with me but he's never got up in the night with them and although he works from home doesn't do anything with them unless I thrust the baby/toddler in his arms. I also do all the washing/cleaning/cooking and clearing up after him. I know this is sh*t but he wasn't always like this :(

OP I am lovely- can I swap you for my DH?

WowOoo · 23/05/2011 10:49

Dh does his fair share of parenting.

Sometimes we'll choose depending on who's been at work and not seen them as much.

It's mostly equal. But, I prefer my cooking and I think I'm more thorough (fussy) with housework.

monkoray · 23/05/2011 13:44

My DH and I are completely equal parents - if anything I sometimes feel a bit guilty that he takes on more than me, but he says he feels the same.

We are both part time 3 days a week so have two days at home with our DS on our own and one day where DS goes to nursery - I go in late to work so i can drop off and DH comes home early to pick up.
At the weekend DH gets up with DS at about 6.30am and leaves me to have a lie in usually til about 8.30am (lovely man - i need more sleep than him). Then I tend to spend a bit more time during the afternoon playing with DS so DH can geek on the computer.
DH also does all the cooking, because he's a better cook and likes to cook, and doesn't like my cooking - i don't blame him, I'm not very good.
We don't have a rota for who does the chores, its much like themildmanneredjanitor said, who ever notices does it. And that also goes for DSs baths, depends how dirty he is on whoever's day.

When DS was younger and I was breast feeding DH had teh crib on his side of the bed and would do the rocking to sleep afterwards - He went part time as soon as DS was born so he'd be at home for me as often as possible.
I think he's definately one of the Gold standard Dads and i do know how very lucky I am.

mum765 · 23/05/2011 14:24

My DH does more than his fair share I think. But I think he just really enjoys it. I used to work long weekend shifts and he took sole care of our DD from a really young age. So he knows the amount of work that needs doing and just gets on with it really. I couldn't bear to live with someone who did sod all. Think you do need to be around more with a baby, if your other half's having sleep deprivation and stuff, but once they're older and in bed, no reason why you shouldn't be in the pub. The great thing about being really hands on is that you can end up with a fantastic relationship with the dc.

sittinginthesun · 23/05/2011 16:05

DH works fulltime, and has long commute, so is rarely back by bedtime. I do, and have always done 99% of the parenting, at least so far as the "jobs" are concerned. But...

He plays with toy cars/table football/football/table tennis/bike rides/cricket for hours. I don't think he even sees it as parenting. I wouldn't have the patience.

trixie123 · 23/05/2011 16:06

DP does his 50% when he is home (which is a lot, he is a teacher). he also took DS away on a little trip recently, just the two of them and they had a fab time and are closer than ever. Please try and ignore the dickhead comments about being too involved or whatever - sometimes I read the threads on here about men who are very uninvolved and self absorbed and cannot for the life of me work out why their partners put up with it or got involved with them in the first place! keep doing what you are doing and have a as a bonus!

Ragwort · 23/05/2011 16:11

My DH does loads; in fact I wonder why he puts up with me as I do much less than my 'fair share' esp. as I am a SAHM with a school age child . I am the one putting my feet up, mumsnetting and pouring the wine whislt DH is always busy with DS doing their sporty stuff etc. DS is rarely ill in the night but if he is he always calls for dad not me .

Tee2072 · 23/05/2011 16:11

My husband doesn't 'help ' me parent. He just parents.

And when did 'parent' become a verb?

PenguinArmy · 24/05/2011 05:54

Before I returned to work and DH became a SAHD, he would get up when she woke, feed her, dress her, play and hopefully put her down for a nap. When he got in, he would bathe her and put her to bed. I did the majority of the night stuff, but if it was a difficult waking then after an hour I would pass her over to DH.

Original poster

Vincenzoo · 24/05/2011 14:53

Great to hear so many of you have good DHs who do their fair share. Thanks for the responses. I think dads who aren't hands-on are really missing out.

I feel for Debka though - you doing everything can't be right. I work from home too, which is perfect, as I get to see lots of my boy and am there if my partner needs a break. We alternate night feeds so we each get a lie-in every now and then. My partner does most of the housework and I do the cooking. You could always ask your DH which chore he'd like to take over...

Also heartened to see a mum considering football and cricket as parenting. Personally I cannot wait for that stage (from 5 to 95, I think it is). :)

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