Can we have a Mumsnet Top Tips for leaving your child at nursery?

[allhailtheaubergine]

For me, this is right up there as one of the most stressful things I have had to do as a parent.

I know he is okay once I'm gone. I know it is for his benefit that he goes. He's 3 yrs old. At the end of the day he comes racing out bubbling over with all the fun things he's done and how cool his friends are and how much he loves nursery because he's a big boy. It's just leaving him there in the morning that is so horrid for everyone.

I just hate hate HATE having to prise him screaming off me and pass him to someone who doesn't love him. I swore I would never do that but all the positive parenting in the world won't make him trot happily off to play with his friends on the slide. I want him to stay because he wants to, not because I make him.

AND... on a related note, how do you tell the difference between not wanting mummy to leave but being fine really, and genuinely hating it there to the point where it is a negative experience? In the course of settling my son in I saw children who were unhappy all day long, every day. A few years back my daughter used to sob because she hated it so much but I was so indoctrinated into believing that they all say that and they're fine when you're gone that I jollied her into it every morning. I now look back and realise that she had a horrible time there. She still talks about her mean teacher and all the shouting.

I would suggest that if you don't need the childcare, don't send him to nursery. He may not be ready yet. Every child is different. Boys especially, develop more slowly then girls. Try again in 6 months? This is what I would do X

Is he picking up on your anxiety? Are you happy/breezy/relaxed when you leave him? If not he will pick up on it and not want to go.

I would say if he comes out happy and talking about the great time he's had then it's just the initial drop off that upsets him. My ds was like that, screamed and clung to me when I dropped him off but I used to wait at the top of the stairs and as soon as I left he stopped crying. He doesn't cry anymore now thankfully just gives me a hug and off he goes.
How long has he been going? I would say that he is ok if he's coming out happy but it's how you feel he's getting on that counts.

My ds1 started nursery last september. We went through him screaming and not wanting to be left and I hated it.
One day, i was unable to take him so a friend of mine took him.
He was fine when my friend collected him and went with her quite happily.
She said he went in to nursery fine, sat down fine, there was no screaming, no stress or upset and all was fine.
She took him for a few months until he broke the pattern and when I was ready to try it again myself, he was fine.

Do the nursery have any tactics to help? Do they do something like a 'treasure box' that a child can take home to fill with a few special things to show their friends? Something like that often helps. Can you stay a while and play with his favourite thing so he gets involved, then go once he's settled? Seems a shame to stop taking him if he comes out happy having had a great time.

If you can, try and get someone else to take him in. It is often the way that the child behaves much better for someone other than his/her mother.

Could you not find a nursery that you didn't feel had made your other child miserable? It could be that your son is picking up on the negativity you feel toward the place.

Bye bye, big kiss and hug, mummy loves you, place in arms of member of staff. Walk out door and don't look back.

May sound brutal, but I have to go to work, and I think they learn fairly quickly that throwing a wobbly won't actually change the outcome if you do it quickly and without wavering. I am not a heartless mother, I savour all the time I spend with DS, but the fact is I need to work.

Another approach is to get someone else to do the dropping off, my DH does a lot of it.

I think if your DS is running out happy and excited about his fun day, then you have your answer. He is not miserable. My DS absolutely loves nursery, and although he is obviously happy and excited to see me when I pick him up, i never feel like he can't wait to escape. And having called in a few times without warning, I know he has a lovely time as I have watched through the door. If you want reassurance, you could try that?