Not coping with 3 children - please help I am miserable

[miserymoo]

After just replying on another thread where the OP was about going from 2-3 children I have realised how much I am struggling with being a parent of 3.

I got PND after having my third baby (never had it before) but have got past that now (as much as you ever completely get over having had bad depression). Sadly my marriage has also broken down, so I'm having to deal with that as well.

BUT, even if these things had not happened, I think I would still find having 3 children just too much. I feel as though I am permanently failing my children, all I do is shout and scream at them, the 2 eldest just bicker and fight constantly and it drives me to despair. I can't just leave them to it, as it always ends in physical fighting or the younger one being very upset. I can't spend 'quality time' with the 2 oldest because the youngest (17 months) is now extremely demanding and has hit that stage of crawling all over their games, wanting to 'join in' and thus destroying whatever we are trying to do (if it's a board game for example). The middle one is being a nightmare with food etc etc. It's just the usual stuff that all parents face, but I am failing spectacularly to deal with it. I am just a semi-hysterical shouty bitch and I feel like handing over full custody to my ex sometimes and just running away.

I feel as if I will never cope with having 3 children to deal with at once, whenever I am just with 2 of them it feels like the 'right' amount of children for one adult to have to deal with. When 3 of them are together I just fail them all.

When I was a younger, more smug version of myself, pre-kids, I used to look at a neighbour of ours who did nothing but scream at her 2 teenage sons day in day out. I thought she was such a crap mother, and felt sorry for the kids. She just seemed so unhappy, and the boys never took any notice of her anyway. Well, I have become that woman and I feel like I can't stand a lifetime of this, and that my children will view me as an appalling mother who just shouted all the time.

I can also be very loving to them so have no problem in terms of bonding, or affection or anything like that.

Any advice about how on earth I can change this shit destructive path I am on, or any hopeful stories about crap shouty mothers who became more positive mothers would be welcome.

They are all under 7 years old btw.

I also have three - 22 months, 4 and 6. The noise. DP and I have bribed the kids to go in another room so we can have a conversation.

I dunno what the answer is. I try to exhaust mine by going to the park at every opportunity. I let them watch to much TV. They eat too much chocolate. Sigh.

I'd say stop being hard on yourself. Give them lots of cuddles. Tell them you love them all the time. Explain that mummy's tired. Treat them when you can.
When they argue, i find it helps to wait to see if they can resolve it themselves.And put them in separate rooms and sit down for a a coffee when they are being PITAs.

brandnewme glad your day wasnt' as bad as you worried. That feeling of dread when you've had awful nights sleep is dire.

Your post has filled me full of hope cointreau thank you!!

mrsravelstein I feel your pain in all ways, especially the increasing demands of your youngest. I too found it pretty easy with 2 children so thought I'd be ok with 3. HA!

I like your rule about not shouting from other rooms whodunnit, although think DC2 would have a meltdown to start with!

I've been taking inspiration from advice on this thread today, and also have tried to have a sort of 'ok, you've hit rock bottom, now lets be more positive' type of pep-talk with myself today. Have been pretending to myself that I'm very calm when dealing with DC2 tantrums and tried some deep breathing through some particularly hysterical playing/rowing between the 2 eldest today. My voice volume was definitely increasing towards the bedtime hour but I did much better today. It's just a matter of keeping it up as the week and pressures pile on.

how is every one else?

Quickchat
I think it's having three. Your attention's everywhere and nowhere. There's another little personality to clash with the other two. More needs, more food, more shoes

But it's lovely when they play together - just before someone starts crying.

I just wondered as I love the age my DD is at just now (17 months) and it makes me feel sad that they grow so fast.

I keep feeling broody and when you ask on MN if 3 is a good idea most people are positive about it.

I think it's a cunning plan to get us mums of 2 to see how the other half live .

I found my first year with a 2/3 yr old and a baby horrendous.

Absolute anxiety provoking, mind numbing, rage enducing nightmare.

I wondered if it was the age/stage they were at and maybe you mums of 3 were at that point but no, the ages on here are all too different.

Im shouty already so I should just send DH for the snip now before I send everyone in this house over the edge!

I don't think it's 3 at all. The baby is a breeze...it's just No2 had terrible 2 and now some terrible 3's. No 1 was a dream - i just didn't realise

I'm just a bit tired and grumpy and need to put my mummy hat back on and realise that they are babies/children and not mini-adults, no matter how well they talk.

i promise it does get better - but that doesnt help you all right now

Mine are now 11,8,7 so i had 3 under 4 and tbh most of the 2003/4 is a complete blur Cant differentiate between the last 2 pregnancies and forget who had chickpox/flu/hayfever etc as all merge into one. spent most days shouting at dd1 and hating myself. felt i had robbed ds of his babyhood as needed him to walk/feed himself/grow up quickly as there was another baby (dd2) who was smaller and so needier. I turned down offers of help from mil and friends - i was fine, happy, had healthy babies so all ok. Inside i was breaking my heart cos i was failing all my dc and being a crap gurny wife into the bargain.

Being a good mum is bloody hard work. we need to give ourselves a break, and accept help if we can. my 3 can now play games together (and ignore each other and argue day is night with each other). be kind to yourself xx

So brandnewbe, My two are relativley easy LO's now.

Both have quite good natures apart from DS (eldest) who can get a bit NOISY and annoying at times but I think all 4 yr old boys are the same.

Does that mean it would be easier or would DD be likely to take on the role of 'middle child' IYSWIM?

sunshine 3 under 4 >THUD

I had three 5 and under....i think No2 was the same before No3 came along, and all had different temperaments as babies.

No1 easy enough but easily upset (obssessive even now) No2 was a difficult baby due to lots of illnessesetc, No3 has always been very very chilled. Luck of the draw i guess. I think it depends on the age gaps and gender.

Although No2 is in the middle, in a lot of ways he's the big brother and No1 is out at school all the time and doing lots of afterschool stuff. No2 & 3 are closest in age and spend the most time together.

And despite my moaning about No2 - i actually think my kids are quite easy to deal with - when i see the behaviour of other kids at playgroups and school I'm quite

I think the temperament of the individual children definitely plays a big part (ie let's cut ourselves some slack !).

I've often wondered whether my older two would fight as much if we hadn't had the baby - we just don't know - I suspect for the middle one that sibling rivalry (stuck between a thriving older sibling and a cute baby) is a huge part of it all. That might never change, but we'll see as she matures, if it gets a bit easier for her to find her place.

Cointreau - thanks your post is really helpful. Nice to think that even if the issues between siblings don't necessarily disappear, it feels less consuming.

And let's not forget that however delightful 15/16mth babies are (compared to whining bickering siblings) - they are still babies and lots of work, even if they are easy.

For me, I'm actually having a good day. My husband is away for the week and at the start I'd emailed saying that I thought I might actually kill one of them - but now I feel like he'll come back to a relatively calm house. That's probably a whole other thread topic - why, sometimes, it actually feels easier when your spouse is away. ( Sorry to miserymoo, as I know that is something you haven't chosen...)

My point about babies, was that I think we underestimate how much easier it'll be when they're a little older. Even though different issues of todderlyness arise, there will be less of what MrsRavelstein was talking about - ours certainly isn't as bad as yours sounds, but we often have low level moaning for the whole of tea time :(
So hopefully that's make it easier, and I'm not sure that many of us will be having a no.4 !!!!

Not wishing to be a single parent, but i totally get you on it being easier without dh - he often gets in the way, the kids act up more, and we don't always agree on the same way to handle the kids. I'm also more 'mummy' and organised when it's just me, cos i know it's all down to me, if that makes sense..

I had 3 under 3, they are now 4,3 and 2. The thing I find hardest is the endless bickering and the endless whinging. I love all of them and would not change our situation but I long for quiet and to be left alone.

DH came home today and dropped on me the fact he is deploying to Afghanistan in April. 6 months alone with them fantastic....!

Ladies I feel your pain.

Hello love, I too am a mum of three. I too had pnd after 2nd and 3rd babe and I will tell you this right now: it does get easier and things that helped that for me were
Babe who's now 1 walking
Getting toddler in to a nursery
Eldest starting school.
Medication - I took anti do very effective (citalopram) just allowed me to be me and not as sensitive to all the stress. Enormously helpful, avoid looking out for. And stories because I heard them and decided to go for it anyway. Best decision ever.

Talking therapy enormously helpful again, comforting and very reassuring when someone says yup I'm not surprised you feel the way you do, lets crack it!

1 night a week where you for out and do something for you - I do yoga! Tone and calm. Lovely!

Have something to look forward to a break. This is a big one for me because time goes slow and can feel flat when there's no alternative perspective in front of you.

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. Fantastic mums are the ones who speak up and say it's hard and worry about it as much as you have been.

I promise it gets easier and I speak from someone who was feeling like they were at rock bottom.

You got this xxxx

Hi miserymoo. I don't know if this comment will even find you, considering the time that has passed. But I need to know how time has changed things with your three kids and parenting solo? I'm living your life back when you wrote this original post!

Hi V5k9n5nd, I don’t know if you got a response to this thread given how old it is but I can tell you that I am now living the things said in many of the messages above. My youngest is now 23 months but I have a 10 and 7 year old and I am completely exhausted and feel like a total failure on almost a regular basis so I would be interested to hear. I guess going back to toddler life is probably the cause of much of the upset in our house- we really had got through all the shouting and losing the plot (me) and constant bickering and fighting (them), and now we are full throttle in a war zone a lot of the time. The toddler is not an easy one for sure, but actually I think it’s my temperament and ability to cope with three that’s the real issue. I hardly manage to have a day with them all without losing it at one or other of my eldest - usually because I have struggled through one or more episodes of toddler meltdown - refusing to eat, brush teeth, wash hair etc and I am so exhausted and riled up that I have nothing left in me to be measured and calm with normal day to day stuff. And the noise is sometimes beyond a joke. But I just want to enjoy them, and not be this horrible shouting mean mummy that I never was with two (apart from in the very early years which thankfully they don’t remember?!) I worry my toddler is having such a horrible time because I just can’t cope with it all- third time round I have the opposite of what I’m supposed to have - patience, experience and an ability to be calm under pressure.. I’d really like to know if this gets better?