Please come and tell me how to deal with 6yr old DS before I crack

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Have had it up to the proverbial here with DS, who will be 7 in a few weeks. He's always been on the more excitable end of the scale, and, to me, doesn't appear to have an "off" switch. DH says he's just an exuberant naughty little boy and that he was exactly the same at his age. School have never expressed any concerns, so I don't think there's anything actually wrong with him, but I am struggling and finding myself close to tears and in tears increasingly frequently. Every play date that he goes on the mum has to have a "quick word" with me afterwards, telling me about something he's done, and now it's also whenever we pick up from a party, too. It's mainly very silly, immature stuff and he's also incredibly easily led. He'll basically do whatever his group of friends dare him to He's pretty under confident (although not about his academic ability) and we've been trying to boost his self-esteem, but he keeps just p*ing around so much, it's exhausting. don't know if anyone's got any advice - it's actually just helpful to get it off my chest for a bit. My feeling now is to take a really hardline approach, cos softly softly isn't working, and tell him no more parties/play dates until he can improve his behaviour. But is that just going to push him further away?

Is it worth asking the school for their perspective?

If the primary problem seems to be playdates, could you have a serious chat with him about what behaviour is expected at playdates (respecting another parent's wishes, being careful in someone else's home).

Also could you try role playing with him what to do if someone suggests that he do something he thinks is naughty?

My boys are a bit younger and can be complete terrors, so I really empathise with your situation. We work hard at trying to find alternative ways to play - how to suggest good games (e.g. let's explore the jungle instead of let's bonk each other on the head) etc. I then praise them a lot for finding really interesting ways to play, so hopefully it doesn't affect their self confidence too much.

Do the other mothers tell him off if he is doing something wrong when playing at theirs?

Hi. I think I will speak to school - there's never been any reports of misbehaviour at school, but it'll be worth asking. I've told him that there will be no more play dates/parties/clubs until he can learn how to behave properly, but tbh this has been getting progressively worse over a few years. I've been told by other mums that they've had to speak to him when he's been at their homes, so he's aware that it's not just me who finds it unacceptable. It's not helped by the fact that his younger sister is hyper confident, outgoing and just seems to "get" that good behaviour = having a great time whereas "bad" behaviour = a whole load of grief.

What has he done at other people's houses/parties? What have the other mums had to talk to him about?

Can you explain what he does that brings you to tears?

FWIW from about 7 and a half my DS seemed to take a real big step in maturity - 7 seems to be an age that does often herald a real change in children if my experiences and those of friends are representative! So there is hope

It's usually about him getting so over excited and hyper that he ends up breaking something or being too boisterous, answering back, generally being cheeky and pretty much constant low level sillyness eg throwing bits of paper, making holes in his jumper.
Brings me to tears cos i get so frustrated and, if I'm honest, cos I'm embarrassed. I hate being the mum who always has to be spoken to and the way that no-one ever says how nicely/calmly he's behaved. And cos I'm scared that it'll only get worse as he gets older.
I very much like what you've said about 7.5!

I see what you mean Avon - all I can say is what I would do in your position, which is:

Playdates at other people's houses - just say no and tell DS why! Tell him you have been embarrassed and disappointed by his behaviour so he won't be going to other people's houses for some time. Perhaps you could allow friends to come to your home for a bit and then he gets a chance to prove to you that he can behave better?

I would also stay at parties with him and tell him that you have to do this to keep an eye on his behaviour. Perhaps the threat of mum telling him off in front of his friends will be enough to moderate his behaviour.

I think that as school is fine (which is great!) that you can deal with his problem points eg playdates/parties just by being present so that you can stamp on any problems immediately. Or by completely avoiding them! Playdates are a nice bonus but he gets 6 hours a day of time with his friends, you will NOT be denying him any basic human rights if you have to stop playdates for a while!

Avon; I don't have any encouraging words or advice but just to say I have one exactly like yours--I know what you're going through! Apparently my husband was just like DS when he was little and he's now a very sensible and successful adult so perhaps there is hope! Something that does help a little, I find, is to try and wear him out (son, not husband). Swimming, park, bike etc seems to take the edge off the silliness and shenanigans. It's exhausting, isn't it? There are some days where I am literally hoarse from all the lecturing/explaining/disciplining etc.

Oh, thanks for all your replies. Sometimes it's just a relief to hear someone else say, "Yes, I know what you mean"! Tomorrow is another day. SleepingsoWell, you're so right, he sees his friends enough, so not going on playdates isn't going to harm him.

I'm going through a difficult time with my DS who is 6 - so much energy and silly behaviour! If he goes to other people's houses I always tell them that if he misbehaves at all they should say they will call me if it doesn't stop. It usually does the trick. I just wish I had someone I could call when he plays up at home though

Please let it be a phase.

I must say I am a bit to read this....

I have a four year old like this, and for years I have been saying "I'm sure he will be more sensible when he is 3/4/5...)

But now I have just found it gets worse before it gets better

Sorry that didn't help, did it?! I'm sure it will get better as he gets older. I guess no playdates, but it does seem a bit harsh to say no parties when he probably can't really help it. Could you stay with him at parties? The hosts might like a helping hand. :)

PS If it makes you feel better my ds painted his bedroom wall with his sister's luminous yellow nail varnish tonight. It is all over his hands and his favourite spider-man duvet. He was very :( with himself.

No advice Avon but if it helps my DS 6 (7 in Aug) is pretty much behaving the same way atm.

This may help - I found parents always wanted to 'have a word' about silly no issue stuff my DS had done. I realised though I always ask if he's been well behaved. Other parents don't seem too. Since I've stopped asking then they've stopped telling and I've noticed their DC's are no different to DS. They do the same low level stuff.

That's true, heliumballoons, I think about asking. Obv I'd want to know if it's something bad, but when it's something silly that they're all doing, i feel torn between still wishing he'd snap out of it and thinking, "well, I guess they're all at it". What worries me a lot is the easily-led stuff. I think that's probably indicative of low self-esteem - he's not confident enough to walk away from silliness in case his friends don't like him any more . So, will carry on working on confidence/self-esteem and hope to God he suddenly grows up after his birthday

The easily led stuff could be because it sounds fun to him perhaps? And not low self-esteem?? One of my nephews is a very confident chap, but can be led into the most stupid stuff. Because he doesn't think of consequences and it seemed like fun at the time.