I am really struggling working full time with 3 small children

[peppapighastakenovermylife]

That's it really. I feel like I can't cope anymore and not quite sure what the solution is.

I have 3 children (DS1 4.9; DD 2.8; DS2 9 months)

DS is still breastfed and occasionally (very occasionally) sleeps through the night but usually is up at least twice if not more and I have to deal with him.

I work full time as an academic so on the one hand positively have flexibility but on the other the job is never done and those I am competing with (childless / male) are constantly ahead. We are in a redundancy situation and I need to work harder and harder to keep ahead and a chance of keeping a job / getting a new one.

I am the main wage earner

My DH's job is restrictive in that he can't have flexible working or apparently reduce his hours to part time (although I sense a reluctance to push for it) o I also end up being the main carer and doing more chores. He doesnt earn that much more than our astronomical childcare costs but I respect his desire to work and realise we wont have high costs forever (another 3.5 years).

I have managed to condense my hours so that the two small ones only have to be in childcare 3 days a week. This is a combination of saving money on childcare, because I want to see them and I feel guilty about them being in nursery 5 days a week. I do want this but it means on work days I need to get up at 5.30am to get myself ready and them out of the house to be in work before 8 am. I then rush out on these days to pick up by 4pm and end up working til 11pm ish most nights. Weekends I spend time with the DC's of course but any break from them I work (I usually work weekend evenings too).

The house is a tip. As soon as I tidy someone seems to untidy it again. It is so messy it is stressing me out.

Does anyone have any advice for managing this better? Or just a sympathetic moan? I am considering going part time but this isnt really an option in academia right now and feels a bit of a cop out. It might need a career change.

Sorry this sounds a bit pathetic but I am out of solutions at the moment. I am exhausted.

I do realise how lucky I am to have 3 healthy children, a DH, a job in this climate etc etc I just need strategies to deal with everything.

thursdaynext - that is a very sensible post and made me open my eyes a bit. Of course he should be doing more in the evenings and I like the phrase 'slightly reduced hours'. To be honest even if he could just finish 2.5 hours early once a week that would make a lot of difference to me. That could easily be tagged on then.

The problem is that DS 2 is still so young (9 months) that I hate him being in nursery too long in the day or for too many days. It complicates the fact that he will not drink from a beaker / bottle / anything so I need to get back to him from that angle. However that will change soon. If I combined that with DH doing an early pick up one day a week I would probably feel a bit calmer. Must remember to realise this bit is a temporary extra strain

I dont think the au pair is a solution - we dont really have the space and need too much care.

sleeping - I don't know what I want really. I certainly want a career. But then my career doesnt lend itself well to part time as you are still judged on your research outputs compared to those working full time.

I don't have much free time at the moment - usual day is be in work 8 - 4 then work 7 - 10 every evening. And then some in the evenings on weekends. And if the DC all have a nap. Is not healthy for anyone.

So... thank you. Something needs to change, just need to work out what.

Would your DH be willing to be a SAHD?

No unfortunately. Not with the little ones - but perhaps when they go to school.

How about keeping the same arrangement during the week but at weekends your DH has responsibility for the house and dcs? You still get to see them but organising everything and housework/meals are down to him? You will burn yourself out if you are still on the go all weekend. Having said that I think he's got it cushy during the week. Early start? So have you!

I share your pain. I'm also an academic, with 3yo ds1 and 7mo dts. dp earns less than childcare will cost for 3, but needs to work for sanity (which I completely understand). am currently on mat leave (still doing work in my "spare time"). dreading the return to work.

random thoughts re alternatives:

• can you work 5 days a week, but shorter days (perhaps possible with CM/nanny rather than nursery)? then your littlest will still get good time with you every day, and I think more short days in nursery are preferable to fewer long days at this age (my opinion, only)
• can you afford a weekly cleaner?
• tell DH he has to pull his weight - when you're working in the evenings he can clean up?

sorry I have no magic wand. if you find one, do let me know...

i have a nanny who does the pick ups/prepare kids meals so when i come home, im not rushed, i just play with the kids and wait for them to be in bed beore cooking something very simple for DP and myself. the nanny does little household chores such as emptying dishwasher or ironing when she does babysitting.
i also have a cleaner, 3 hours a week.
without help, i would go crazy

I only have one child now 20 months and I work compressed hours so do 2.5 days in 2 long days with a horrible commute...and I feel completely overwhelmed too. I am in acadaemia but have kind of sacrificed my career at the moment...my contract isn't going to be renewed and I am pretty sure it is because of my lack of committment to the job/committment to being at home 3 days a week with my daughter. My OH is self employed and works up to 22 hours a day some days so... You are right, it is vitrually impossible to get part time posititions in acadaemia. Anyway, you have my sympathy and I would urge you to get help. We have a cleaner for 3 hours a week, makes a huge difference.

Watching this thread with interest. I'm in a similar situation and considering whether a nanny ( can't really afford, but 2 DCs in nursery) or au pair would be better.
ripeberry I thought it should be OK to ask an au pair to do pick ups and drop offs and cover when the DCs are ill and for a couple of hours after nursery and school until get home from work? If both DC are in daytime childcare then the Au Pair would only have a few hours a day in "sole charge"?? I didn't know au pairs would clean?

I'm exhausted from just reading about how hard you work.

There are no shortcuts with 3 kids and a job, so if there is an answer it has to be in your DH taking more responsibility for chores and child care.

You can't do it all. Yes, you're lucky in many respects, but your DH is even luckier, because you're bringing home the bacon and looking after everybody and your home.

A finely-judged emotional rant usually gets me into gear. Try it, because most blokes will get away with what they can, in my experience, even if they're quite lovely.

make sure you use the 15 hours free daycare vouchers from the government as soon as your child turns 3.

I think a rant (or a more carefully worded discussion!) is most definitely in order! Up and down the country, the norm is for the highest-earning breadwinner to have their job and working hours 'protected', to be the ones doing the least chores and childcare at home, to be the ones getting a full night's sleep, while the lower-paid spouse has the choice of either making their job fit in around family life, or, if that's not financially/emotionally/practically viable for the family's wellbeing, becoming a stay at home parent. There is no way you should be the main breadwinner, but have to adjust your working hours to do all the pick-ups, then spend your evenings doing more paid work plus all the unpaid chores and childcare.

Peppa, yes, it's even more difficult with a breastfed baby, I feel that they are primarily my responsibility at this age (as the only parent with breasts!). But at 9 months it's only going to be a matter of weeks or months before he can drink well from a beaker.

I don't know if it's so much about men getting away with what they can. I think our lives have changed so much over the last couple of generations that we are all still trying to find our way and find a work / children / home balance that works. There are so many different ways of doing this that it is really difficult to figure out what works best. Men often do so much more childcare and household stuff than our fathers did that we don't actually notice that they are still often not doing their fair share.

Good luck sorting out some better arrangements. Even small changes might make everything feel a bit easier, and your youngest won't be so young for long

Thank you all

You are right - if he was the main wage earner then I would take more responsibility (or if I were a man I bet 'she' wou;d take on more). Whether this is right or wrong I don't know.

Ohhhh how lovely would it be to have a stay at home stereotypical wife . To have someone to support me to progress...

And thursday - you are right - it is a relatively new set up of more women being the main wage earners. I think it also gets complicated by hormones, biology, ingrained stereotypes (not saying this is right). Fact is that I feel guilty working full time whereas he doesnt. I want to pick them up from nursery and school but it is exhausting on top of everything else. But on the other hand I do want to keep my job

I think a nanny and cleaner might be the way forward. Or at least a cleaner. The problem with small DC is that they are just so messy.

I have noticed that lots more of my friends are becoming main wage earners now though.

Peppa- you are doing amazingly well just surviving to date, IMO!

I work v long hrs, full time, as does DH. We only have one child and I am constantly exhausted and stressed.

Few wks ago I decided enough was enough, and changed cleaners to one that will help me with laundry and keep place tidy clean. I pay a lot for it but it is lovely.

We want DC 2 but I am slightly afraid!

Also watching with interest - have just had DC 1, am an academic - considering volunteering for redundancy and doing a research degree while he's little. Same set up here - I am the main wage earner here but its DP who doesn't want to change his working set up. His work is more precarious than mine, but am glum that he won't even consider doing SAHD thing, just while DS is little, or move some of his work around so we can share childcare.

I have been in similar situation to you. I worked long hours, travelled with work, and have 2 DDs. About 3 years ago, I was totally stressed and unhappy because I was wrecked tired.

Here is what helped me:

1. I got a Nanny

She arrived before I left for work. She got DC up (if they weren't up already), gave them breakfast, dressed them, etc. Once DD1 started playschool, she drove her there and collected her DCs got lots of 1-1 attention from her. They loved her dearly, and so did I.

1. I got a cleaner.

Don't let the mess put you off getting a cleaner. Cleaners will work for an agreed amount of hours, for an agreed price, and many (but not all) will do any housework you request. So you could get your bathroom and kitchen done each time, and then have them give a good going over to perhaps one or two other rooms? After a few weeks once all rooms had been thoroughly cleaned, you could establish a cleaning routine with the cleaners that allows house to look good on at least the day they have cleaned! And even if it turns messy after 1 day, you will at least know it is only untidy, but still clean.

1. I reduced my hours (by 10 hours, from fulltime) - but I spread it over 5 days.

I didn't do this until they were in school. It means that I can collect them from school about 3 days a week, and bring them to various hobbies.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks MCos - can I ask what time she arrived in the mornings? And how much per hour you paid?

I think I will take a few days off and do a huge declutter (and make DH do the same) and then get a cleaner. I think if I lived in a clean (ish) house and had less running about to do I would feel more clear headed.

Hi OP - I live in Ireland, so rates would be different. However, depending on what time I needed to start work the nanny came between 7am and 8am.

Really - don't worry about the clutter. A good cleaner/cleaning company will help you with the clutter. You could get a few basics done (kitchen/bathroom), and then work side by side with your cleaner to declutter a room, room by room, over several weeks if needed. (You would probably need to take time off work if you did that - but you would get a lot more done than if you do it by yourself.)

If you wait until you have the house 'tidy' enough for your cleaner, it could push out getting the cleaner by weeks or months. (If you are anything like me, because it too me months to hire a cleaner after deciding to..). Once you get the initial tidy up done, it is much easier to keep on top of it.

Having a clean(ish) house does take away some of the stress. And instead of seeing something that needs to get 'done' (stain on the carpet, finger marks all over the wall, fridge needs cleaning), you can put it on the list for your cleaner for next week, rather than add it to your already long list of things to do! Another stress buster..

Have a think about what you want cleaner to do and make a list before you talk to any cleaners. Then phone around more than one. A referral is great, but I picked current cleaners from golden pages.

Also remembered from when I was looking for a cleaner last time, many cleaning companies also do 1-time spring clean as well as normal weekly cleaning. If your funds will stretch to it, it could be a good way to start. It would probably mean having several cleaners in for most of a day. The ones I spoke with clean the windows, clean-out fridge, clean cooker/hood, as well as clean each room. Some companies also specialise in clean-up after builders. In Ireland, the price was E250, compared to E60 for weekly 3 hours.

I am amazed by people paying for more than 1 child at nursery, as soon as you pay for 2 a nanny would usually be similar cost and with much less hassle in the mornings and evenings.

Maybe for a baby and toddler the cost would be the same but we had one at school and paying for the CM for two children (one just after school pick up) for three days a week costed vs a nanny - nanny was about 50% more expensive. With three kids it may well add up though.

Clean cooker/hood? What is this task you speak of?

My nursery are quite good and I am in a cheap part of the country. Nursery plus breakfast and after school club comes in at about £70 per day. But the nursery includes activities and 3 meals and breakfast club involves breakfast (obviously ) and after school club a snack.

So I think a nanny might work out more expensive but it would be more practical / less stressful.

I am just a bit worried about reliability - nanny being ill, wanting specific holidays etc whereas nursery are always open all year round. However I guess the nanny would still be able to look after the DC with minor illnesses such as conjunctivitis that they would get barred from nursery for.

Swings and roundabouts but I think mental health needs to start coming first