Maybe I'm just not a good enough mum anymore...

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My DD (8) has been really stressing me out the past few months. It's sucking all my energy away. People always comment on how great DD is and how I've done such a good job bringing her up on her own. She's very smart, in all the top classes at school, great role pupil, very popular.

However, when she's with me, it's like a different story. I just seem to always be shouting at her. She can be really ungrateful and rude and such hard work that I can't manage it at all. I have a DP but he works and lives about half hour away and it doesn't look like he can move in any time soon.

I've tried everything with DD: shouting at her, punishing her (no tv/take away toys etc), taking a calm approach, star charts, etc. Nothing seems to work. I feel like I'm just being punished all the time and I wish I knew why! I just want to be able to pick up DD from school and to have a nice conversation with her, maybe play a couple of things or something when we get home. But no, when she comes out, she always say something to wind me up. She doesn't listen, she doesn't do as she's told. I'm really at the end of my tether. I don't know what to do.

Well first off try listening to all those people telling you what a great job you're doing! Because you are a fab mum.

Second talk to her about it. Call a family meeting and explain that you are really tired and don't want to keep shouting. Ask her if she likes the shouting or if she'd like to help you find ways to stop. Explain the behaviour that makes you shout and get her to help with a solution.

For me it was as simple as saying I wanted 1 mins quiet when we got home to have a cup of tea. Ds agreed to go in teh garden or to his room while I had my 15 mins to relax.

He also agreed that he needed to do what he was asked first time or negotiate. So if he was watching tv and I need the resycling taking out he will do it in the adverts or after this program has finished. If he doesn't I remind him what he agreed and how I don't want to get cross with him.

I think eight is one of those ages when they are testing their boundaries and feeling more grown up. See if you can negotiate some rules to make her feel like you are treating her more grown up (write them up and stick on teh fridge and be ready to listen to what she wants as well as wht you want - ds wanted me to shout less so then had to go along with what I said would make that happen...). Ds also wanted to stay up later. We negotiated that he could stay up later but he had to have the extra half an hour upstairs in his room.

this looks empty when I view the thread

AAh Sorry OP, the thread was empty until I posted will read now :)

Thanks gillybean2. Shall try that. Have told her before I don't like shouting at her and I'm sure she doesn't like me shouting at her so we need to work together. But we didn't really sit down and figure things out like you have so shall attempt that. It's just frustrating, and to feel pretty alone in this as well, it's just so much relying on me.

And thanks Malvapoeding, not sure what happened there lol.

8 is a tough age, my 8yo DD2has just started testing boundaries like a toddler all over again, just as my 10yo DD1 has started being really grown up (when she's not having pre-teen hormonal drama queen outbursts). I remember DD1 being like this at 8 too, and sitting down and talking abour responsibilities definitely worked though we had to repeat the talk every so often. They thrive on responsibility and feeling grown-up, they want to be allowed to do things for themselves and if you possibly can, let them. DD2 loves to do the breakfast dishes and enjoye dusting (I encourage this ) and she's always in a good mood after being allowed to help.

Thanks pointythings. I shall have a think about that. She is very keen on cooking lately. Has been helping me peel potatoes and cutting them up. Earlier she was saying she wants to do some cooking over the weekend from a cook book she has. It's nice to know that it's not just her, so will try to not get so wound up. Thanks.

change do you think it may be the start of puberty? My niece was a torment for a good three years before puberty kicked in, she even had monthly mood swings, they were like clock work.

Oh really? I may have to keep a note on when things happen and see.