If your 12 year old did this, how would you have handled it?

[WeLoveHimSo]

I popped out this evening, and when I came home DH told me DS1 and 2 had had a disagreement in the garden. DS2 had come in, closely pursued by DS1, who had to be restrained by DH.

DS1, whilst restrained swore at DH, told him he hated him etc (he doesn't they are very close) and at some point kicked DH in the back. (I'm not sure how that happened)

Apparently the disagreement was over DS2 not riding his bike around the course they have set up in the garden in the right direction, causing DS1 to have to avoid crashing into DS2.

DS1 didn't actually hurt DS2.

DH sent DS1 to his room to calm down. About an hour after this happened I asked DS1 to appologise to DH. DS1 said he wouldn't, and that he didn't care. I firmly said "then maybe we'll have to think of something to make you care"

I'm not sure what I met by this, but it sounded authoritarian at the time.

Then an hour later, I told DS to apologise to DH, which he did. I also took him aside and told him DH loved him more than anyone else in the world, that he would do anything for DS1, that he has done XY and Z (swallowed a huge amount of pride) to make sure our house wasn't reposesed, and made sure we didn't need to move. (DS1 has moved 5 times by the time he was 8, and we have promised him we will never move again) And that DH would walk over hot coals for DS1. If there was a fire in the house DH would save DS1 over anyone else. (Obviously DS2 couldn't hear this)

I also told him he needs to control himself, and that he must never behave like that at school as he will be excluded. Which is something which MUST NOT HAPPEN because the school he goes to has pastoral care second to none, and it is by far the best school for him in this area.

So, I'm aware I didn't handle this very well.

I've probably done a pretty good job of fucking my son up in one evening. And the look he gave me was of pure hatred.

If you've got this far, well done and yes I have name changed. So what the hell should I do next time he behaves like this? (It's not the first time, he has always had behavior/anger issues)

Do what you did up until "Then an hour later, I told DS to apologise to DH, which he did."

then STOP. Don't do heavy emotional blackmail. Don't imply that your 12 year old is responsible for the family finances. Don't tell your son he is his father's favourite and would be saved over his brother in a fire.

If you think any of these things will be difficult to achieve then seek some help.

I agree with trisk, I always got the "you don't know how hard I work for you" lecture as a child and all it made me think was "well you are my mum, it's your job"

However I can understand how in the heat of the argument you would say it.

I think your dh did the right thing in sending ds1 to his room. After the first refusal to apologise (and I would have wanted him to apologise to ds2 too tbh) then I would have told him what the punishment was. Loss of his bike for a set period probably.

I know you meant well but I really would avoid the 'Dh loves you more than ds2' stuff. It's not healthy for anyone and certainly won't help his relationship with his brother.

Long term I would be looking at ways to help ds1 manage his anger. If his school is good with pastoral care, they might have some suggestions for techniques or even other agencies who could help you.

Agree with trisk

I think you completely overreacted by pouring it all out. you didn't need to go there. Next time stop at the apology.

Consequences - loss of privileges/pocket money/prized possession/grounding

I also feel that DH should have handled the disciplining.

Ultimately he was angry and lashed out at DH - you all know he didn't mean what he said.

Be aware that he may tell DS2 what you said

I know it is all easier said than done so I would sit down with DH and decide on a strategy so that when he has another outburst you both deal with it consistently and in a way you both agree with.

diggingintheribs, you've just made me realise DH never disciplines. I know this is partly my fault as I haven't let him.

I now feel the urge to go and buy him some expensive gadget I can't afford, to make up for my shit parenting, but I won't.

Taking things away from him has proved to be totally unsuccessful in the past, and he doesn't get pocket money, or go anywhere by himself except school or the back garden, which leaves me little room for punishments.

You haven't been shit!!

But if Dh doesn't discipline he shouldn't be surprised if your son acts that way towards him.

Your sons won't grow up thinking dad is the nice guy because he doesn't discipline - they will see him as weak.

Your DH needs to step up and you might find that works

Why doesn't DS1 get pocket money? why does he go anywhere? I think if you looked a little at how he is living altogether you mite find a clue to his actions. Does he feel he has to spend his time with his brother? does he struggle to make friends? does he know you can't afford for him to do things? Pent up frustration, feeling responsible for to much, or simply not feeling in control of himself can all come out as aggression.

I'm not for one minute saying any of these things are a problem but it might be worth thinking about.

Other than that aggression can't be tollerated so sent to room, made to apologise and loss of some privalege is necessary but try not to veer towards the emotional blackmail because that really is counter productive.

He doesn't get pocket money because we buy everything for him, top up his phone, buy treats etc. I will give him a couple of pounds if he washes my car, but he just spends that on huge bottles of coke.

He will go to the skate park during the holidays, but no he doesn't really have any friends. He never has. He hangs around quite happily with a group of boys at school, but isn't really interested in meeting up outside of school.

DS2 will happily spend hours playing with neighbors children, so no, they don't have to spend time together.

We can afford for him to do things, we just went through a very bad financial patch last year.

If it was me I'd decide on an allowance for the month and stop paying for everything. Not only would this give him some budgeting experience but it would give you something to remove if you needed a punishment.

hope you get things sorted with him