finding it hard to juggle 2 kids

[JennyinCorfu]

Hello, I'm Jenny and I have Lily aged almost 3 and Ruby 7.5 months.
I'm really struggling to find time to play and have quality time with Lily and it's making me guilty and miserable. I don't have any help from in-laws or OH - it's just me, all the time, Lily does go to nursery Mon-Fri from 10am - 2pm which helps a lot. With all the mush I am cooking for Ruby, the housework, the school run, the supermarket...I just don't seem to have time to sit down with Lily, I'm always saying to her "I'll just change this nappy, then I'll play with you", then I realise I need to put on the washing machine, then I need to get a meal ready...I do try to leave things till the kids are in bed (about 8pm) then I am working till 10pm just to do the basics like the dishes and a quick tidy up.

My OH says "what did you think having 2 kids was going to be like?" - not very helpful. I do have a dishwasher which I think saved my marriage.
When I think of all the quality time I spent with Lily - Ruby gets very little in comparison (but is a very easy baby). Lily is tricky, plus she's a terrible two, plus she's really bossy so it's hard playing with her (she doesn't even let me read to her now, she wants to read to me), so I sit down with her on her floor with the baby on my knee, Lily might push the baby (jealous), or the baby might cry, or I remember a pot of baby food that's burning, and I just never seem to spend time playing properly with Lily. It's a shame, she misses it and our relationship needs it.

I'm just so busy - and I'm not that houseproud...I remember my mum as a child and she was always reading - god, reading a book is a distant memory for me. I need some techniques to optimise my time...I'm sitting her at 10pm and I need to wash bottles, clean up the kitchen, fold 2 x laundry loads, feed cats.....doesn't help that Ruby doesn't sleep through and I've been ill for ages....
Anyone got any tips. Every night I put Lily to bed and just blub cos I knew when I got preg with Ruby that I would have less time for her and despite best efforts it's true. How much proper time do you all manage with each child?
Thanks in advance, Jenny

I'm sorry but for starters your DP needs to do more! I'm sure if meals stop arriving and his pants stop magically returning to the drawer then he might cotton on a bit. He doesn't have to help with the children but he DOES have to help you! Otherwise you haven't got two children, you've got three! Either that or he pays for a cleaner.

Second thing - don't beat yourself up. It's true that DD2 will get less attention than DD1 did at the same age, but she will never know what she's missed. And do remember that she is also getting attention from DD1, not just you. True enough, sometimes it will be attention that she'd rather not have - pushing, hitting etc - but most of the time she'll be fascinated by DD1 and they will probably be friends when they grow up. DD1 probably does miss your time together though - how about setting aside one of DD2's naps for just-the-two-of-you time? Nobody dies wishing they'd spent more time hoovering!

Third thing. Make life easy on yourself, don't bother with purees! I'm just weaning DS, and he gets tiny amounts of whatever DD is having, a bit mushed up. Baby led weaning is definitely the way to go. At 7.5 months she should be having food with lumps in it anyway, or roughly mashed. You don't have to make anything specially.

Fourth thing - can they go to bed earlier? I'm betting your toddler gets up pretty early in the morning. Mine goes to bed at 6ish and although she doesn't go to sleep she's happy enough to lie in bed looking at books for half an hour. The long evening is crucial for me to retain my sanity!

Good luck!

It does get easier! Honest! For a start, once the little one is walking, they seem to play together much much more. They really enjoy it and that gives you more time. But, also the little one gets much more able to play on their own, which gives you the chance to do something with the older one ... even if just to give them a good share of the attention while the three of you are playing together. If you can take time to spend with the older one while the younger one is asleep during the day, it really helps you tank up. Forget the housework and just do it. But I never managed this more than maybe once a month. Now mine are 2 years and 5 years and the little one doesn´t sleep much during the day any more, so I haven´t got that possibility. I also have the problem that I worry about not giving enough (any?) one-on-one time to each kid. Once I took dd (5) out of nursery for the day, leaving ds (2) with his nanny so that I could go swimming with dd. She was very excited. Having said that, we have had just as good one-on-one time just while he was asleep.
Sometimes I notice our kids do shifts - one gets up very early and enjoys the time as an only child, the other one goes to bed late and enjoys the time as an early child. The problem is, the housework doesn´t get done!
You having been ill must have made it so hard. I have hardly been ill and we still always feel that we´re only just managing. I think it is good to be a bit behind on the house work - otherwise you really have no time for the kids. But, apart from that, I find now that I can go out into the woods with both kids and build a bivouac and have proper play with the little one finding sticks and dragging them around - not to mention spotting beetles - and, interleaved, have proper time with the older one, making the house, deciding how to make it and her climbing trees.
As for fitting in the house work, I´m afraid we have a cleaner once a week (godsend) and dh does A LOT of housework. It still ends up with us up late at night doing the house work, but I know that when he doesn´t help (if he´s away on business) it takes so much longer. If there´s any way you could get OH more involved, that would be my main tip for a technique to optimise your time :)
Good luck and you are not alone!

I second Octavias comment about the purees also beans on toast for Dinner doesn't hurt for dinner once week, nor does a jar of baby food if it helps you.
Get out of the house to the park or whatever whenever you can. Would Lily "help" you with stuff like laundry folding?
Order your supermarket shop online, put the clothes washing on before you go to bed so you can hang it straight out in the morning.
Does your OH simply refuse to do his share? and is that with the children, the house or both?

Well, OH is Greek, so there are some cultural differences (grr) but he has a bar that's open only in the summer and he works all day and all night at the minute, literally 10am - 4am with 3 hours for sleep in the evening. When the bar was closed in the winter he used to clean up the kitchen for me in the evenings and do the bottles, plus get up and play with Lily in the early mornings so I could breastfeed.

You're right about the baby food, she can start to have some of Lily's.
I think I need to start doing things with the 2 of them together, like bath, meals, playing.....it's just that their needs are so diverse at the minute but when the gap starts to close a bit....
No decent jars of baby food here (all added sugar, it's awful, you'd be shocked), no on line supermaket shopping, no parks (sob) but there is the beach. Getting out more means less mess in the house, but it is harder toting all the kit you need....and someone's always having a tarara...how the hell do parents of more than 2 manage? and how the hell does anyone WORK?! lol, thanks for the tips. you're right, I need to say screw the housework, I do do this a lot, the bare basics seem to take so long....

ah OK I won't burn his effigy in sympathy for you then! I am on my own a lot as DP works away 6 days a week most of the time but my age gap is bigger (7 years). I don't have it nearly so hard as you but when yours are older they will hopefully give you a break whereas I will still kind of have 2 "onlys".

You sound like you are doing great but if it all gets too much neglect the kids while you plan how to open Corfus first grocery delivery service or soft play. Then rake in billions and relax with OH whilst an army of minions do all the work and the boring /hectic bits of childcare!

I have two DD's aged 3 and 8 months so I know right where your coming from! After many weeks of trying to sort things out I have come to the point where I give myself one hour every morning and one hour every afternoon that I devote completely to the children. My nursery days are different because DD1 goes three long days rather than five short days but i do the same every day. when DD1 is at nursery I spend two hours with DD2 doing things one on one, we get lots of other time in between things but for one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon nothing interups us. On the days DD1 is at home I have one hour with both of them and then make sure DD2 is down for a nap and spend an hour with DD1 just one on one. By giving myself set times where nothing comes between me and them I don't feel gulity about being busy at other times. Is this something you could do? one hour in the morning with Ruby and one hour in the afternoon with lily?

DD1 is also very good at helping with jobs so she gets time with me but i get my jobs done aswell. I do buy her a treat once a month for all her help around the house so she feels like a very responsible girl.

Always being distracted leads to feeling gulity so try and portion your day into focused bits then you won't waste any head space on worrying and much more will just get done.

That's a very good idea freddy05. If Ruby sleeps at all then I am straight with Lily in her room with a brew....
Do you think it's acceptable for the baby's "quality hour" to be a walk in the buggy :) ?
Does taking Lily to a pals for a play session here and there count as a quality hour for her?
I definately need to be more in a routine (but I hate that word). EG housework in the mornings when Lily at school and Ruby napping, otherwise it doesnt get done till kids in bed. Or put away 1 load of washing before putting another one in the machine.....things like that. I seem to riccochet from one task to another to a baby to a school run without ever finishing anything plus feeling guilty that I'm not playing with them....sigh.

My DCs are a little older now but have a similar age gap. DH doesn't help much either as works long hours and travels quite a bit and I did find it a struggle at times when they were the same ages as yours but before I knew it they were old enough to eat the same food and play together.

Please remember that quality time is not just sitting down and playing together, it is also conversation and interacting at mealtimes, bathtimes, dressing, shopping, walking etc, you are probably already doing this so give yourself a break!

Good luck, it does get easier I promise!

Yes and yes. It's not really about what you do but that you give yourself permission to spend that hour ignoring the phone, forgetting about the house and totaly focused on the children. In return for that you also give yourself permission to focus on the housework and other things at other times because you don't feel guilty.

My very clever aunt used to tell me that guilt was a wasted emotion it takes up all your time and nothing gets done.

Life as ever though is a work in progress so one step at a time

:smacks forehead: I didn't realise you were abroad, though your name should have told me! My first husband was half-Greek and half-Irish, and was utterly useless around the house so I sympathise, though it does sound like yours is working all the hours there are! Have you thought about getting a local girl in to help you a couple of days a week? Someone around 14 or so, who could either help with the housework or play with the girls while you get some you-time?

I really feel for you - I was in exactly the same boat when I had my second dd. It's a really, really hard stage. I had quite a small gap (21 months) and I found it a real shock going from 1 to 2. I remember quite clearly thinking when dd2 was around 6 months old, that I wasn't meeting EITHER of their needs.

Does your older one go to nursery? You'll find you'll have more time with the baby as your older one starts getting more independent and going to nursery, then school. I used to play with my older one every day when the baby was napping. So however hard things are in the day at least she was getting a bit of uninterrupted time with me.

Food, can you start giving your baby bits of finger foods and start weaning her off the purees? Food-wise it really will get easier over the next few months - certainly by 12 months or so you can make them the same food.

And don't worry about quality time with the baby. At the moment she's probably happy watching her big sister. Don't be hard on yourself.

And with both of them don't feel you have to be playing all the time. It's good for children to learn to play alone sometimes. You can still chat to them and potter about, get bits done etc.

Looking back on my experience, I think I just muddled through really. They really started playing together when dd2 was about 2 I think. Now they are 10 and 8 and the best of friends.

It really does get easier and you're right, the gap will narrow with time.

I have about the same gap and remember that first year being so hard. It does get better I promise! My oldest is now nearly 5 and in reception, so I'm just at home with a toddler - mostly smooth sailing!

My house was an absolute tip at the time (some would say it still is...) but I just prioritised making sure we were all fed and clothed and did the basics. It does get easier to do bits of housework while they are awake too.I tried to squeeze in a nap (for me!) whenever possible to counteract the fact that I was having broken nights. DS went to a childminder 2 mornings a week for a while and that really helped.

You're doing a grand job, don't beat yourself up!

My DS1 is 3yo and DS2 is 6.5months, plus DS1 is hyperactive, defiant and angry toddler most of the time. I usually push myself out of the house every morning, then I find that everyone gets in a better mood, do minimal household and don't set any standard of how much one-to-one time to spend with each of them.
When I am totally fed up with everything, I just call one day in a week a "lazy day" and let DS1 to watch more TV, don't bother with any sophisticated activity for DS1, don't do any household and generally just roll on bed with children with my laptop on. It helps to get my mind back. Good luck it is not easy but MNs on here say it does get easier.

I know what you mean about feeling the younger one gets less quality time than the older one would have at that age, I do feel the same about mine, I suppose in a way that's unavoidable because their situation is different and there is another child for them to share the time with, but I suppose also have to consider they have got a sibling which is something good for them to benefit them now and also when they are grown up, so if they both lose a percentage of the one to one time they would have had.. maybe it is worth it overall? but yeh somedays I am like you say, keep having to put them off while i get laundry done, cleaning, cooking, housework etc.. while they are asking me to come and play and always have to keep saying "yes in a minute!"
I find it helps a lot to go out to stay and play and that kind of thing, because there's no housework or nething to distract u that it needs to be done, and also cos they will more easily amuse themselves then you can get some quality time with the other one, while one is busy playing with something, but im not sure what there is like that in greece..

You have 4 hours a day while you eldest is at nursery and you are with the baby - I would cram all my chores in then (batch cook for the freezer). When eldest comes home put the baby to sleep (rearrange nap times to suit you) and then spend 1-2 hours while the baby naps with your eldest. If you are knackered from lack of sleep put on the tv and snooze.

Get a cleaner in the summer months if your DH is working so hard, I bet he is earning lots!

It does get better as time goes on, I am one year further forward and I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have 2 DCs 21 months apart, 2.5yrs and 9 months. And it is SOOO hard.

I starting to think whether I have PND cos, everyday is such a struggle and by 9am I am normally in tears. I thought it would get easier as the baby got older, but TBH I found the first 6 months easier, than what it is now.
Now I have the added stress of juggling mealtimes for both, and the mess that goes with it.

DS my 2.5yr old, is having a severe sleep regression at the moment, and wakes up countless times a night, screaming.
DD is a clingy baby and wants to be held all the time, so I hardly get any quality time with DS.
DS is sometimes resentful of DD and is always trying to hit and push her, pull her hair etc.

DD was unplanned, and although I love her to bits, feel that her being born as had a negative impact on DS so far and his needs as a baby is notbeing met and I feel hugely guilty for that. Also DD hardly gets any quality time either and I feel guilty about that too.

Parenthood at the moment for me is just filled with stress, mundaneness, guilt and physical and emotional exhuastion.

God choceyes, that sounds really tough. I too have days when I am in tears after 30 mins of wake up. And though I despise physical violence I lashed out at my toddler yesterday without even warning her (she was being awful but she IS a toddler, that's their job!). I never had a temper before....unexcusable.
There are moments when I regret having the 2nd, but then I look at her and I simply adore her, so the thought gets squashed. Her arrival has definately had a negative impact on Lily, poor mite, though I do see baby steps in the right direction (Lily gave Ruby a hug yesterday in the bath, and again this morning as she left for school, unpromted, cue much blubbing from me).
I see form my UK pals that OH's do muck in, even if they work. The culture here seems to be man works, woman works at home, grunt grunt. My OH is devoted to the girls and plays with Lily is any spare minute, but then I have to do all the crap - UNFAIR! I'm guessing this is a common theme.
You're right Firawla about being outside not generating mess! Picking her up from school today and going straight to picnic on beach (such a faff transporting Ruby food, Ruby milk, Lily food, toys blah) so we can just come home, eat and bath and bed.

I've been trying out the 1 hour playtime with Ruby am and 1 hour playtime with Lily pm while Ruby naps, I have to be very strict with myself about not drifting off to put on a load of washing! Trying to see the bigger picture is hard, but I guess in a few years they won't want me so much and will be independantly playing/reading/computer things/homework?

Also, Ruby only woke up once last night at 4am for some paracetamol (teething) so the difference to my mood this morning!

And I've just made a yummy leek and bacon quiche. Hurrah x

My dc are 17 months apart and I remember the hell when they were little. I used to phone dh and hold out the phone so he could hear them both screaming and say, What one shall I pick up, then? And make him come home (he is his own boss). TBH I couldn't have done it on my own. No way. Eventually I got a Mother's Help (a friend's sister) to come in for five hours in the day which helped enormously. Could you do something like that?

To be fair my DH does a lot around the house. He is the one that does almost all of the housework like laundyr, ironing, washing up, cleaning the house etc etc, so I am very lucky. So after the kids go to bed (nearly 9pm recently what with DS's refusals to go to bed) I have a rest while DH does the housework. I feel sorry for him too, cos he has got a stressful job as a teacher.

Hullygully - gosh, the amount of times I've phoned by DH at work and sobbed that I can't do it anymore. He can't come home, but it feels good to let it all out.

DS goes to nursery on Thursday and Friday so it's a bit better on those days. But DD is a pretty high maintenance baby and also I tend to do the food shopping, buy kids stuff, do the nursery drop offs and pick ups, so it's not like it's a complete break, but it does definitely help.

We have no family nearby to help on a regular basis. Both families are 5 hours away. So it's all us. The only childcare we get is when DS goes to nursery 2 days a week.