Should parenting a 4 yo be more enjoyable?

[Campaspe]

I am struggling to cope calmly wiht my 4.6 DD. She attends pre-school for 5 mornings a week, and behaves very well, and seems happy. At home, it's a different story. My real concerns are:

1. Whinging and fussing almost constantly. Most things are a battle and she doesn't want to seem to do what I want to. Even something simple like putting on a cardigan (which she can't do unaided)leads to a lot of fuss, as she will say that the sleeves aren't comfortable, the cardigan is too tight etc. I respond to this behaviour initially by trying to jolly her out of it, and then by telling her if she doesn't stop whinging when I've counted to 3, I will throw a toy out (I follow through on this). She will then cry and tell me that she didn't like that particular toy anyway.

1. Incredible fussiness with food. Won't eat any veg apart from sweetcorn, not even potatoes. Does eat fruit, but won't eat bread, pasta, most types of rice etc.

I am quite down about her behaviour. I have to confess that i don't enjoy spending time with her, and work 5 days a week to give myself a break. I can't wait for her to go to school. However, I feel guilty and low for not enjoying her, as well as embarrassed by her public whinging. I seem to be out of step with most other parents who are dreading their child going to school in September, as I find the weekends a real trial and live for her bedtimes.

My mum tells me just to relax and that 4 yo's are challenging and hard work. Is this the case for parents of other 4 yo's? How do you deal with whinging? I'm sure that my depression about the whole parenting thing is the real problem rather than her behaviour. I am happily married, and my DH also finds it hardgoing. She is an only child; we are both about 40, and are not planning to have anymore children.

I suppose I'm looking for reassurance and tips. Does anyone else feel like this? I love DD so much that I hate to think my ambivalence about parenthood has perhaps affected her in some way? Where do I go from here?

I feel the same about my 5 yr old son. I can say I dont enjoy parenting at all at mo.

My weekends are terrible as stuck with him as hubby works. He eats very well, I am extremely hard on him on occassions, I hate the mood swings.

I have a 2 year old also who is a rascal. I'm not depressed either (I have suffered badly)

All I want to do is escape now and again and not be a parent - Just ME.

I'll be watching this post too.

Yup, my 4 year is also definately going through a whinging phase, it was quite a marked transition I can almost remember the point it started!

I also know of two other 4 year old from her nursery who are the same according to their mums, so perhaps it's a recognised, universal phase.

When I feel guilty about how I'm not enjoying her company much at present, I just remind myself she's going through a neccessary assertive development to help keep her head above water when she starts school this September. She'll no longer be my baby then, she'll be all grown up :0 so I'm going to volte face andmake the most of her funny little tantrums I thinks!

It is reassuring to hear I'm not the only one. I do think that I need to relax a bit more and accept some of the fussing as part of her development but it can be very tiring being subjected to it.

I suppose I had imagined that once I was past the baby and toddler stage that it mght feel much easier - until the teenage years at least. I am hoping that school will encourage more independence and take some of the burden of providing entertainment off of me.

Is she getting enough sleep?
Is she being given into too much?
When she does something you do ask without fussing give her masses of praise and cuddles. Even praise her for just being calm and quiet. i.e "You were so so good in that shop, and lovely and quiet .."
I have had 3 children, 2 of whom are grown up, and 10 yrs of nannying before hand, so have experienced it all really.

Be firm when the difficult behaviour starts, and use a tone with her that makes her realise you really do mean business. If fussing about something trivial then make it clear you are not prepared to tolerate this unnecessary whining and crying. Then ignore all the noise....When she finally stops praise her and give lots of hugs.
Try not to feel guilty/low with it all. You are doing your best in the only way you know how.
Give rewards for good behaviour , however small. For instance if she puts her shoes on by herself , or the cardigan without a fuss. Personally i would just just take the cardigan away and let her get a bit cold, then maybe she will realise ...
As an only child she is probably getting lots of attention from you with all this negative behaviour, play it really cool dont look surprised or anything when she kicks off...no eye contact on her, nothing, just walk away. Tell her you will come back to her when she is calm and quiet. Dont hang around while she is throwing a paddy.
She will thrive on approval and praise. Just keep putting different foods on her plate in tiny amounts and if she refuses to even try them, just be dead cool and say "ok thats fine, but if you can please try the tiniest taste, you dont have to eat it" and when she does give big praises., e.g. " Wow! Mary you clever girl your tried it, I am so pleased"
She is fine at school so its probably her way of partly getting all your attention,,, So praise the good, and ignore the bad behaviour, when possible. Obviously if its really bad then your must step in and tell her off.
She knows with you she can pull on your heart strings because you have a strong bond....whereas at nursery they have no bond emotionally the way you do, so she doesnt try to manipulate them with any nonsense.
All children at any ages can be very difficult at times... its not only 4 yr olds.
She may be picking up you are not enjoying her behaviour and it is making her sad.....a difficult vicious circle. Reassure her at the end of the day that you love her and again praise her for any good behaviour she has had that day. Her knowing that you love her and care about her even though she has been difficult is important for her.

Snap - and it drives me crazy. My 4 year old DS even seems to whinge about things he enjoys. And seems so ungrateful. He can have a lovely day and still whinge.

I find him harder than 2 year old whirlwind DD and DS2 who doesnt sleep

Agree with Lady1nTheRadiator that it is probably a good idea if she gets less of a reaction out of you for a while. Tell her you've fitted a whine filter -and then try to act as if you had. Doesn't matter if you are seething inside, she doesn't have to know that. Try not to react to her whining and simply concentrate on getting your own way- e.g. if you've got her out of the house count it as a win to you even if she does sound like Moaning Myrtle. Eventually she will learn that whining doesn't get her anywhere, but she will learn quicker if she gets less of a reaction.

Your poor daughter! throwing away her toys over a bit of whinging. Thats a real over reaction and it sounds like you've got yourself in a real vicious circle.

My first reactionfg is just...calm down! You sound really stressed about the small stuff, she is picking up on it. look for ways to have fun - what do you do together that is enjoyable? do you have days out where she gets to choose stuff? does she get to choose her outfits? at four they have their own mind and sense of style, the whinging is probably about her trying to establish an identity for herself and you are shutting down the opportunities for that.

and the food thing - again, relax. she won't starve. Make food fun. does she get to choose a dinner once a week, or help cook?

i say this as someone who used to be really fed up as a parent, and have forced myself to chill out over the last year and also recognise dd as a person with self determination and I also realised a lot of the disagreements we were having were about her becoming her own person and wanting to do things on her terms.

now we get on amazingly. I have just had the most wonderful day with her. I speak to her like a person and don't do things like force her into cardigans. I say things like, i'm cold, I think I'll take my jumper, what do you fancy taking to keep you warm, shall we go and choose?

she now eats things like endive and blue cheese salad, roasted peppers with balsamic vinegar, korean noodles, again from a small beginning of getting her involved with choosing and making her food.

I can honestly say I love her company and she is growing up in to a great little person that knows her own mind and knows how to use it wisely.

good luck....and relax!!!

I would echo what other posters said about throwing out toys being a bit of an overreaction. This is probably adding to the problem and making her feel more upset in general. I still remember losing a toy I loved as a child that my mum threw out just because she didn't like it. I'm not a parent yet, so can't offer any good advice about what to do, but maybe you could find some good books and read up about different methods of dealing with whinging and see which one works for you. When you've got a way of dealing with it that feels right, rather than using throwing out toys as a last resort, then perhaps you could enjoy your time with her more

In my experience 4 is a very very trying age!! When DD1 was 4 I would gladly have given her up for adoption (well... not really of course!), she was utterly maddening. Her 2 yr old sister was an absolute poppet of adorableness..... now 6 yr old DD1 is an utter delight and 4 yr old DD2 is winging, annoying, moaning, sulking etc etc non stop and 2 yr old DS (despite quite astonishing tantrums) is utterly delicious! Honestly, DD2 will go crazy about something like her socks being slightly off centre, but will sit there crying like the world is about to end and insist on me sorting it out rather than even attempting to do it herself. The good thing this time around is that I am more prepared for this phase and tend to do my best to ignore her and not let it get me down. I am consistent in not understanding her whinging voice so that she has to speak to me properly and I try to make little of her behaviour as I know she will grow out of it. If I manage to ignore and not let the irritating behaviour annoy me too much I find I am in a more receptive mood to appreciate her 'true' (adorable) character when I occasionally catch glimpses of it resurfacing. Hang in there, try not to give much attention to the bad stuff, let it wash over you and take lots of deep breaths and she will grow out of it in due course. When she does behave nicely comment on it, praise her, make a point of drawing attention to it. Often it's all to easy to get angry at the bad behaviour and ignore and fail to comment on the good stuff.

If 4 is bad then what is 5 then? I noticed my son changing at 4.5yrs old. He was a perfect child until the summer pre-school. Within starting school he changed dramatically. He suddenly went head strong, bossy and generally horrible. I knew then that I'd lost that baby.

Its very easy to say chill but my weekends are from hell. To say ignore bad behavour is hard particulary when he teaching DS2 to do naughty things. To constant crying, whinging and moaning....hell!!! When his lovely personality comes out - it doesnt last for long.

As much as I can I avoid spending too much time with him and try to palm off on his dad, grandma or friends. You could try this?????

I dont know what I'd do if left with him all the time....fallen out of love with him....to be honest I feel as though I'm just baby sitting ...little emotion left for him.