How can I help DH and DS1 have a better relationship, without unintentionally making it worse!

[Chooster]

Ds1 is 6 (almost 7) and a lovely little boy. He's quite gentle, sensitive, cuddly and a bit young for his age... at the same time he's quite daydreamy, has selective hearing and can be slow to do things you ask.... but generally a very good well behaved boy that I'm really proud of.

For some reason though DH has always had a fraught relationship with DS1. He doesn't have a huge amount of patience at the best of times but if DS1 doesn't do what he's told straight away DH shouts and gets cross. He also turns everything into a battle, so even a small insignificant bit of dis-obedience on DS's part turns into a big fight. An example - "Ds, put your coat on" (DS still looks at his dinosaur book). Then DH shouts "DS PUT YOUR COAT ON", then pulls him over to the coat and shoves it on him. Cue DS getting upset which seems to make DH more cross. DH can also be a bit heavy handed with DS1 (although not deliberately hurting him, more just being a bit too physical - he's never ever hit him).

Anyway, this has resulted in DH not doing things with DS1. He tried to teach him to ride a bike and it ended in a shouting match. So I did it.... He tried to do homework with DS1 but gets cross with his day dreamy, can't be bothered attitude.... So I do it. I now engineer things so DH is not doing these sorts of things with DS1. If we all go swimming, I take Ds1 in the change room with me which DH has DS2 etc...

I have to add that DS1 and I are really close and always have been, so he always comes to me for everything. DH also says that DS1 is visably disappointed if its DH coming in to see him / play with him and not me. And I know this kind of rejection can be hard. I'm just not sure what came first - DH's behaviour to DS1 or DS1's attitude to DH.

I know I'm painting a bleak picture but its not all like this - they can have some good times together when doing lego and things but as soon as DS1 steps out of line thats it - its over. DH has also, in the heat of the moment, refered to DS1 as a c*nt when ranting to me about his behaviour. (Not to DS1's face or so he could hear), but I was shocked that a loving parent could even think of their son in those terms. Really DH doesn't know how lucky we are to have such a lovely boy!

Am posting now as me and DH had a blazing row last night - DS1 told me at bedtime that his daddy didn't like him and was always cross with him. And I then later lost it with DH... DH says that I undermine him and always take DS1's side... some of this may be true but DS1 is a small child and I'm not going to stand there and watch him be shouted at for behaviour thats not that bad.

DH and I still not talking and I dont know how to tackle this from here. I said a lot of things last night which although I dont regret I am worried that I'm now putting a bigger wedge between DH and DS1 by letting it come between me and DH - Is DH going to resent it more? Is DH jealous of DS1?

We have 2 further DS's and DS2 is the apple of his dads eye (DS3 only 5 months )... I can already see how DS2 gets away with things that DS1 would never have done.

If its any bearing DH has already been to anger management councilling after he and I had some big fall outs, and I think he does recognise that he flies off the handle but can't / wont change. He loses his temper regularly with his parents but oddly can control it at work - so he can do it when he wants.

Poor you Chooster. No idea what you can do, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone - I have similar problems with my DH and DD (11). She is an only child. He is quite moody and short tempered and can get snarly with her. She has told me that she does not like it when Daddy gets like this, but I am picking my moment to tell him. We rarely agree on the way to parent her. I know he worships the ground she walks on, but at the same time he doesn't do anything to make her feel the same way about him. I tread a fine line between them. It must be very hard if you can see your DH's relationship with DS2 being so much better. All I can suggest is that you write down how you feel and what you want to say to him, so that you can do it unemotionally.

I know where you are coming from and I think sometimes the relationship between father and son can end up with them squaring off - even if the child is young. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your DH about what you feel is and isn't acceptable. I would think some more anger management may help or counselling. My DH can struggle with DS too - he gets frustrated that DS doesn't always do exactly what he wants (he seems to want him to be a child but have the reasoning of an adult).

I bought this book recently which was great with getting DH and I to agree some proper non aggresive discipline but DH is also starting to understand that some things that annoy him he is going to have to accept as they are part of DS's personality or just a part of him growing up.

Either way you and your DH need to be on the same page and he needs to stop frightening your child.

www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305206324&sr=8-1

I think you see things very clearly and I think you know that this will be damaging for DS1 if it goes on throughout his childhood. I suspect some kind of couple counselling will be the answer as DS is too young to join in. It sound really hard. If not counselling, do you have another family member that you could use as a sounding board or who might have a word with your DH? Dads are often harder on kids than mums I think but this goes further than that.

Actually just to add. I think it helped my DH a lot to have proper structured discipline in place (the book above uses time out along with positive praise etc) as then he was less frustrated with the children in general so less likely to fly off the handle over something silly. I think if you don't have something like this it is easy to feel you have no control and your children are 'ruling the roost' which can make people lose it when the child is playing up.

Thanks angryfeet, I've ordered that book on amazon... the reviews look pretty good too. Thanks for your posts all. DH came home and was wonderful with DS1, talking to him about his day and some of the usual trigger points passed by without incident. Although from previous experience I'm sure its only a matter of time before it degenerated again. So the book will come in handy, thanks.

DH is however still not speaking to me.... The lesser of 2 evils though, at least DS1 is happy . Perhaps I should repost on 'relationships' section now .