How to get my 3 year old to do as I ask?

[SilveryMoon]

My 3.8yo ds1 is being especially challenging atm.
Everything is just such a battle.
I ask him to come and get dressed in the morning, he says no. I ask him again, he says no, I start taking away favourite toys, he tantrums, I tell him he can earn them back by being a good boy and listening, he storms to his bedroom and gets into bed.
This example happens 4 times a day.
Then there's walking, he randomly decides he doesn't want to come home so will sulk in the middle of the street and refuses to move. No amount of bribery or calm talking gets him to move.

These past few weeks, I've been really shouty and I hate it. It doesn't even work so is pointless anyway.

Anyone got any tips on how to turn this around?
TIA

Ha, we could have written together- we did. Hoping for advise, too...

Well, at least we both know we are not the only one's with this problem then
Pop back and let me know if you get a response

have you tried a cattle prod or chocolate buttons?

have 3.3yo ds and lots of sympathy!

mine demands a hug every time anyone says no to him or says anything he doesn't like. So he pokes his sister, gets asked nicely not to do that, bursts into tears and demands a hug to make him feel better. The previously poked sister then obliges and hugs ds to make him feel better argh!

Oh dear bumpy the little pickle

I also have a 2.2yo who copies everything his big bro does.
And boy, do they row and fight.
It's just never ending struggles.

A cattle-prod is a good idea

Things that work with DS-
Telling him the tickle monster is coming so he needs to get dressed quickly (hes not scared, its a v giggly game)
Saying to DP 'i don't think DS can pull his trousers on, do you?' Etc etc... all jokey.. DS gets quite indignant and gets dressed very quickly,

Turning things into a race helps, just general distraction.

Pick your battles too :-)

Yes, that's a good idea Jareth I do remember someone telling me about tickling a few years ago, but back then he was a baby and I knew it all
Will def be trying the tickling. I do try to pick my battles, but getting dressed and walking to and from school is a must

Scooter for the walk to school?

Scooter is a no for now. Every time we try to take it out of the house, I end up carrying it because he gets bored.

I've just really had enough of hearing the word no and don't know what to do anymore

I have a three year old too who does the same sort of things. Me getting cross doesn't seem to work.

What does seem to work is turning it into a game as Jareth suggests - making getting dressed a game, who can put clothes on fastest. Walking - I get round that by playing I spy or we look out for certain car colours, eg I look for blue, she looks for red, and count up how many we see. She walks without noticing as much then. Or we collect leaves/daisies, etc.

But sometimes I just do get cross anyway. And it doesn't work. So am interested in other people's ideas too! thanks for posting the thread.

With regard to getting dressed we have a monster too. DS pretended there was a scary monster outside his window (with his obviously pretend "scared" face) as a distraction and I said it was the clothes monster "fee fi fo fum, naked children here i come" and it became a race to get clothes on before the monster got him. It's worked quite well the last week or so at least.

We have plenty of battles every day. Some get resolved by explaining consequences e.g. if you don't get out of the bath now there won't be time for your bedtime stories, others just by waiting it out e.g. if you want to sit in the car that's fine we can wait all day. Firm raised voices and time out too if things continue to be difficult.

DS is 2.11 and sometimes responds well to being told in advance the order of things, "first we are going to brush our teeth, then get dressed and then if there is still time you can watch some CBeebies before nursery." I do allow him to negotiate with me to a point as well as long as his overall behaviour is ok.

It's hard work though, constantly trying to chivvy along and maintain good humour for everyone. If I get really cross I tend to give him a warning "I'm getting very cross now" and strangely just saying that to him helps me to calm down a bit. Sometimes I just take action e.g. I've told him that if he doesn't put shoes and socks on then I WILL carry him to the car without and his feet WILL get cold and he gets a last chance to comply before I take action. I do raise my voice but not that often so it has quite an impact when I do. My patience may be stretched a bit more when #2 arrives though so I don't claim to have all the answers.

I have to make everything into a game.

Getting dressed - "I don't think DS can put on his trousers. If I shut my eyes, I wonder if the trousers will get on by magic." "Wow, how did those trousers get on? Did Daddy put them on for you? Did teddy put them on for you? Wow, you did it all by yourself."

Walking to preschool - "I'll beat you to the next lamp-post." "I'm going to be the winner." "Can you see that elephant behind that wheely bin? You can't? Oh it must be behind that next wheely bin."

It is tiring and tedious but gets things done.

The other thing is to leave plenty of time to do anything. I get stressed and shouty when we are in a rush. This term we are getting ready 5 mins earlier just so we don't have to rush - and I don't have to shout.

I do also use tv in that if we have it on, I say "at the end of this programme we are going to do x." That way he knows what is happening and when. He doesn't understand 5 mins, 3 mins etc.

Arrggh, I'm having some of these issues already with my 2.5 year old. Some good advice here I'll be taking on.

At the moment, when dd is in the middle of a tantrum, me or DH calling "squirrel, squirrel" and pointing out of the door/window works a treat to stop the tears. (With thanks to Up!)

Do you think there might come a day when my most valuable anti-tantrum weapon doesn't work anymore?

We do lots of things that have been suggested.
I do give pre-warnings that dinner will be ready, or bath time has finnished etc etc.
I also tell him that if he doesn't do so and so that I will get cross and then when I do get cross he yells "mummy you are making me very sad!"
I also count outloud down from 5 if he is showing issues like "I have asked you to walk up the stairs. I am now going to count down from 5 and if you are not walking up the stairs, I will carry you and you will need to sit in a time-out for not listening. 5...................................4..............................3...............................2............................................1 right, now I'm coming to get you and you will sit in a time out" cue battle 2. tut.
i do that without shouting, it's when I lose the patience for the pratting around that I find it hard not to shout.

The really depressing thing is that I'll have to do this all again next year with d2

You can't do anything. Just grit your teeth and wait for them to grow out of it. Honestly, you will drive yourself mad trying to "solve" this one. There are various methods you can employ and some may have some success but the main job of 3-yr-olds is to challenge us so they will always find a way to do it.
My 3-yr-old spends all day refusing to do what I ask her and telling me she's "the boss".

stranded that is not the sort of stuff I was hoping to hear
Drives me bloody crazy!

He's also hit the "why?" phase aaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

read a book called toddler taming.

you can change his behaviour but it takes work. kids just wnat attention and he is getting lots of it for his bad behaviour by the sounds of it. have you tried giving a direction quietly and firmly - expecting it to be followed? then counting to three whilst waiting for order to be followed. quietly and calmly putting him in time out in a boring room if he hasn't done what ever you have asked him to? don't let him out till he has stopped having his paddy how ever long that is. you will need to do this very often in the first few days but persist cos it's worth it. if he starts kicking off big time he is just trying to make a last min attempt to over throw your new authority. stand firm and don't loose it.

you could also tell him he has to earn screen time. so he will get half an hour for being ready for school at 8.30 - then another half hour on top of that for walking home willingly (maybe take some nibbles to help). don't be heavy handed - act like you don't care either way.

most importantly try to turn things into a game, have lots of fun together and give him more positive attention.

Oh yes I know it well. My trick which works 75% of the time is to give then a small choice in the goal which ultimately results in what you want. eg DD, come on upstairs please used to end in No or in a bit! I changed it to do you want to walk yourself or be carried up, she walks up no problem because she's chosen to do it iyswim.
I do pre warnings too. I'm not too keen on the toddler stage, it's hard work.

I do a combination of these ideas - games / stories as much as possible. My 3 y old will walk miles as long as the story about the princess and the rabbit and the ... keeps going and going.

When the fun stuff fails, count to 3 works. As in, If you don't put on your shoes before I count to 3, you have to sit on the naughty step.

For the WHY questions, I find it best to turn the question back - what do you want to know about police cars? Why do you think they make a noise?

skyblue I read a bit of Toddler Taming, couldn't get on with it, not at all, not a book for me.
I have read Raising Boys, How to Talk so Children Listen, Siblings without Rivalry and probably a few more that have all merged together.
I already do what you suggested, I ststed that in my post at 16:41.

Ambi I do that with my ds2 so will try it with ds1 too. Thanks

Parietal I've started now asking him what he thinks when he asks why, it does seem to get him thinking for a moment before he says I don't know.

We did much of what's already mentioned, especially racing to get upstairs, get dressed etc. For us the walk to nursery became a bit of a nightmare (it should be a 20 min walk but was starting to take 40 - 50 plus much wingeing about needing a carry) so DS and I agreed that he would earn a sticker each time he walked properly and nicely to nursery, and once he"d earned 12 stickers (2 weeks) he would be entitled to a reward. He chose a little car.
By the end of the fortnight he'd pretty much forgotten about making an issue of the walk and it's not been an issue since unless he's been under the weather (which is fair enough).
Also, if he refuses to get dressed, I tend to start to "ring" whoever we're supposed to be meeting to cancel. Only had to actually cancel once for him to realize I mean what I say!

Thanks Rooble That's a good idea about the stickers. Did you have a little card or something then?
Ditto here with the walking time, it should take 15-20mins but ends up 45mins

Just a sheet of A4 - I drew the squares on and we decorated it together. It's stuck on the kitchen wall at his eye level so he sees it regularly and remembers the goal.
HTH

Cbeebies site has a handy reward chart...