DSS (14) hates me...at a complete loss...

[finnbarr]

My DSS (14 nearly 15) confessed to his sister (13) that he doesn't like me, never has and is planning to move out to live with his friend so he doesn't have to make his dad choose between us.
I cant help feeling that this is attention seeking rubbish.
Yes, we clash hurrendously sometimes.
He moved into our house just over a year ago after a big fall out with his mom, and I have continued in the same vein discipline and level of expectation as his mom.
I just don't know what to do...I try to talk to him, we watch a few tv programmes together and I know he's a teenager and I am the easiest focus for his anger/resentment/general teenager moodiness, but I am at a loss as what to do.
My feeling is that if he really disliked me, he would have said something to his dad (my DF...six months to go before the big day!) already and he hasn't.
When DF and SS are together and I am there, SS agrees with everything DF says and has no opinion of his own, and a little teasing turns into SS ganging up on me with his dad...taking it too far (DF intends it to be teasing - SS takes it too far)
I love this boy. He is lazy and uncooperative and an idiot sometimes but I love him. When we get on, it's great - we laugh and joke and he's a great boy. Mostly I am so worried about him and his attitude toward me. I am unsure what his intentions are and what he thinks he is going to acheive. I am so upset and confused by him at the moment.
I have asked to talk to him tonight, and he has said no.
Sorry it's a long one, but I am so hurt and lost by his actions. He's told me that I am not part of this family and that I never will be...

You need to work very hard towards being liked, in this situation. Because as a step mum you can very easily be rejected, as you know. Not because of the person you are, but because of the simple fact of; you being the step mum.

You've carried on with using the same level of discipline as his mother did with him? But you will not love him as much as his mother did. If you're giving him the same harshness as a parent would, but can't give him the same intense love as a parent would, then it's going to feel unbalanced.
He's said you're not part of his family. Well maybe you're not considered as so right not, by him, at least his honest feelings are out. It may be a few more years, untill you're accepted fully. But I'm sure it will happen as he matures.

The best thing you can do right now is have an adult/child friend relationship.
I do this with my younger sister who's been in my care for considerable periods in the past, she listens to me, knows to do as I say when she needs to. But you have to be so tactful and thoughtful, because at the end of the day they can think 'you're not my mum, you have no right' and feel that it's unfair. They want their mum for gods sakes, it's a traumatic time, they're thinking this ain't natural.
You have to be a friend to them, and earn their trust, before you can be let into their hearts and respected as someone who can guide them and play that role.
You have to be more careful about what you say, saying his good points more. Listing his bad points in this post of yours saying he's lazy, uncooperative, an idiot- but I love him. I think that's a confusing message, if he were to hear you say that stuff. Because anyone can be suspicious of the words 'I love you' it's demonstating it which will allow it to sink it.

Maybe you having a chat wouldn't be so helpful as you might think.
But just changing the way you are, stepping back a bit. Focusing on his good points, arranging fun things, etc and not trying to dicipline him as a natural parent just yet, might help.

BTW I think what you're going through is normal, given the tough situation.

Could you give him a special part to play in the wedding ( apologies if you already have)

I got a new step parent when I was 14 and I despised her. I'm talking utter, utter hatred. I didn't want her in my life and I didn't want my life to change. I cried my eyes out at their wedding, sulked on all the pictures. Like you say, she was simply the easiest focus of all my frustrations I had with life in general, of which I seemed to have many!

Fifteen years later I love her dearly and she is a wonderful, wonderful Grandma to my girls and I am blessed to have her. I can only put my teenage attitude to her down to immaturity and hormones, I wish I could go back and change it.

Keep doing the right thing by him and one day he will feel like you are part of the family. I can't pinpoint when I realised I loved my step mother, it just gradually happened.

I don't think you need to work very hard 'towards being liked' as someone said earlier.
You have a right to expect a level of behaviour in your own home and to be shown some respect - but you should not try to be his Mum in any way and any 'discipline' should come from his Dad - not from you.
Just be yourself and be fair and consistent. Many kids his age say they 'hate' their real parents - but they don't mean it !
He may well resent you because you are with his Dad - and his mum is not.

I think you may actually be trying TOO hard and it may not come across as genuine.
If he didn't like you - I doubt he would laugh and joke with you

Are you sure he's actually said this and is feeling this way?
It's not unusual for teenage girls to make up fibs that are designed to cut deeply, iykwim.

I wouldn't say try hard to be liked if it risked coming across as fake. I just mean by making sure you give more compliments than critism, and considering him if you're out and about, you see a dvd or game or whatever he might like.

Thanks all. Was my birthday yesterday and he bought me Lovely necklace. We even managed to have an adult debate without it turning into a row. Today, when he called me a FAT cow(I'm a size 14... Curvy, not fat) I didn't rise to it. I let him storm off, cool down and when he came back in the room I carried on like he hadn't said anything. I'll talk to his dad about it but I think as long as I keep my cool I should be ok. I hope - really hope he realises I'm an added extra rather than a hindrence in his life. Thanks for the support all xxx

Compo, he's the head usher, his sister is a bridesmaid and his brother is the page boy. They were the first people we told, and the first people we asked to be involved

Blimey,.. I wouldn't have let him call me a fat cow. I wouldn't lose my temper - but I think I would have told him quite firmly that it was unacceptable as well as being ridiculously untrue and undeserved. He will not respect you if you just let him be disrespectful without any sort of response !

The last person he is going to tell is his dad. I have disliked my step-mom for nearly 30 years and only indicated this to my dad in the last 6 months when we had a big to do about him neglecting my and my brother's children in favour of my step-sister's children.

There may be nothing you can do. Just keep being nice, treat all of the children fairly and maybe he'll come around.

But don't count on it.

Maybe you can ask his advice or opinion on something? Everyone likes to be seen as a source of wisdom.