unsporty son is losing friends

[menagerie]

DS 8 yrs old has seemed a bit low recently. Today at bedtime he asked for a chat and then talked for a good half hour about how he's feeling sad because he doesn't have many friends anymore. He is a very outgoing cheerful and witty boy with a great imagination and was popular for years. But he is very clumsy physically and no good at sport, which has suddenly become the biggest thing in all his friends' lives. He has also put on a fair bit of weight recently. I try hard to encourage him to be active but even though he goes to cricket, football and gym he doesn't put much effort in, and is clearly one of the weakest, so last to be chosen for any teams, and people are starting to avoid him.

He's become aware of this. This year several boys who usually invite him to their birthdays didn't bother. And one of his closest friends moved away. He's down to two friends now. A lovely boy he's known for years and a new but very popular kid, who he spends a fair bit of time with but who acts as though he's doing DS a favour being in his company.

I can't bear him being lonely because all the other boys have suddenly become obsessed with sports and are good at them. I try to keep him fit but he struggles a lot naturally. Despite years of swimming lessons he still can't swim more than a width while his friends are winning 200m badges and doing life saving training. He can't catch or bat easily... I don't know how to help him improve as I'm not very co-ordinated myself. Practise sessions with cricket or football end in disaster because I'm so useless at throwing or passing the ball, he gives up! :)

Any suggestions? Thanks for reading.

My son is truely hopeless at sports or anything physical. Infact my son had physio as a tot inorder to learn how to walk. He had orthopedic problems.
Inspite of weak physical skills my son does have friends. My son was so weak at gymnastics that he was invited to join the special needs group inspite of being neurologically typical. I would be seriously surprised if your son is worse at sport than my son.

I think you are putting to much emphasis on being poor at sport. At eight years old children parties tend to be a lot smaller than the whole class events of reception.

You need to be a bit more cunning about getting your son to be active. There are non competive activites like a family jog or a sunday walk which will help fitness. Prehaps a casual swim with the family would be a good form of excerise for everyone. My son enjoys karate which isn't competive at eight year old level as there is no fighting.

Parents need to lead by example. It sounds like as you are making excuses for your son not doing excerise. Does your son walk to school? Are you active?

Does your son do any non sports activites. My son loves music and is mad on singing. Children need to do activites they enjoy and grow in confidence.

maybe if he's not enthusiastic about cricket or football, try something else like martial arts or something, its great for fitness and discipline and provides so many life skills and builds confidence as well as a sense of achievement when passing gradings etc. (and anyone with commitment and dedication can achieve black belt). i know many children this has benefited and you make friends in the sport as well. i know alot of people in taekwondo who are not 'sporty' as such, i myself am not, but its one of those sports where you can focus on your own training and go at the speed of your own fitness level.

hes also at the age where hes at a good age to learn a musical instrument and with that he may find that he makes friends within music groups especially as in most places you can learn an instrument and then once at a certain stage you can join orchestras/bands.

also, i have seen that when a child does find the thing they really want to learn and excel in, they find friends within that field and other children will take an interest in them. but the main thing is it sometimes gives the child more of a sense of purpose and focus and if they are really interested in learning, they will become more confident in themselves, not really 'care' if they don't have many friends (if that is the case) and let friends come to them.

but it does take time for children to find their spot of interest, its important for you to help them to find what they may be good at and are interested in, and with that will take a lot of encouragement on your part. but i wouldn't dwell on what may be considered 'popular' sport especially if your child does not enjoy it and is not bothering as you may as well be using that time to find something he will enjoy.

Hi, thanks for replying so quickly.

Reallytired, my son is also in with the special needs kids at gym despite being academic. We do a lot of the stuff you suggest - he always walks, cycles or scoots to school. We do bike rides and hikes as a family which he groans at going on then loves even more than his very fit brother, once we're out there. He did try martial arts for a year but admitted he hated it as it required co-ordination and balance he just can't seem to master, so I let him give it up.

I am worried generally about him, as he seems really reluctant to put effort into anything and wants to hide away playing video games. He's tried music lessons and choir but gets bored if things don't come to him immediately and easily. That's probably why I've become a bit fixated with his sport. I want to help him learn that it's good to make an effort and get better at things even if they are hard to do.

Stary, I agree it can just take time. He has a much older cousin who was so unfocused at school and uncordinated at sports that the school diagnosed him as having SEN. Then adolescence kicked in and almost overnight he became really academic and now plays rugby semi-professionally. The difference is, his cousin was very happy the way he was but my son isn't happy and I so want to help him but am not sure what to do.

Hmm, I think his attitude is generally inline with a lot of kids attitudes, about wanting things to come quickly and easily. Unfortunately, maybe on this point you may have to be cruel to be kind as so many kids give up due to this point. Everyone knows how it's difficult to perservere and keep going when things get tough and for any kid with a 'choice' of course they will choose to do computer games which is an easy option. You are absolutely right, What my parents said to us was we had to have at least one musical insument and one sport, so if we did quit we'd have to be doing something else already. And I'm really glad that's the case as I can say that there were MANY times I wanted to give up especially when training got hard/ pieces were difficult, I wouldn't even be able to recall the number of times I said I hated piano or swimming in arguments. But am so glad my parents believed in me, knew I could do it, were harsh some times but now, I have some skills to show for it as well as the important lesson of not being lazy and rewards come when you do work hard. So they do have a choice in the activity, but not activity or computer games. Computer games should be a reward or for times to relax. And if it is a musical instrument that you can see they can be good at but just dont want to work, you can set them a goal and say they have to reach grade 5 before they quit, worked winders withmybrother as there were many times he was going to quit, but once he got to grade 5 was old enough to appreciate piano and practice loads as he really learnt to enjoy it. And if that's not the case,at least they have a decent grade to be proud of.

But he is still really young, maybe it's time to give him the choices and try different things.

Does he have any other problems with his motor skills, ie using cutlery, handwriting, etc?

Are you over feeding him. A portion size of say meat, pototoes etc should fit into his hand. A common mistake that parents make with overweight children is to give portions that are too large. The diet is often fine, but the quantities aren't. Maybe you should invest in smaller plates to make your son think he is getting larger portions that is really the case.

Really tired, that's good advice. I may well be over-feeding him. He was prem and very underweight for years. getting him to eat at all was a constant battle until he was about five. So in the last three years I've relaxed a lot and also taken massive pleasure in watching him enjoy food as he didn't for so long. But now I have to put the brakes on.

Ben10 - sort of. He struggles with cutlery, (I hadn't thought of that until now. He always asks for a spoon and can't hold his knife and fork correctly. I'm ashamed to say I thought he was being lazy.) His handwriting is good but it takes him hours to finish a paragraph. A friend who is a teacher suggested I should have him tested for dyspraxia, but I'm so loathe to label him. He spent his first four years in and out of hospitals and still has check ups. Just when he's been given the all clear for all his baby illnesses, I don't really want to put him through another set of tests and labels.

Starystar - your post has really moved me, and motivated me. What lovely parents you had. I think I'll follow their example. He gave up guitar but I might tempt him back to it, as i play so can help him. His brother plays piano but loves it and doesn't need much encouragement to practise, so maybe they would form a band.

Menagerie

I also thought that my DS was lazy. It now is evident that he has dyspraxia and can't use both sides of his body together. I am now starting the fight to get the understanding and assistance at school esp as he has no friends but wants them.

The tests for dyspraxia are very noninvasive and are dependent on age but DS (aged 5) had to throw and catch, try to hop, thread beads, draw shapes etc.

It has helped us as a family to understand him more and to give him the time and support that he needs.

Only you can decide what to do......

Aww, well, i probably didn't make it easy for my parents!
hehe, you know, that may be a good idea in terms of a band. really helped me practice, having an older sibling to occasionally play duets with (very occasional i stress!). (i was always the one who needed a lot of pushing to practice when i was young and the stubborn one i'm sad to say ). could they maybe have joint piano lessons? maybe a 10/15 min lesson before/after his brother so they're together? are there any activities they can do together?

on a separate note, how have the sport/music teachers been? has he had any negative experiences in terms of that which has maybe put him off? i think often it is as important to have a good teacher?

how about something like drum lessons? boys have generally found that quite a fun one to learn! guitar may be a good one especially as you play too! I think the main thing at this age is to make it fun, so if you're able to inspire him then thats better than anything at this stage and then having a good teacher for guidance.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job with your kids, I'm sorry to hear about the illnesses your son had as a baby, really glad he is better now though. From your posts it does sound like he has many great skills and is a very smart child.

Sadly boys are impressed by each others talents but not just in sport there are other pursuits, but he needs to find something he can shine at in order to be seen as "talented". If he can scoot and ride a bkle then maybe skateboarding could be his thing - its a very steep learning curve but the ultimate in cool if he can master it!
There is something out there with his name on it, but he will need to try things and persevere if he is to find it, the friends will follow naturally through the new hobby if not in school.
It does sound as though he is feeling low and lacking in confidence, finding he is good at something will give him the boost he needs.
good luck, it sounds like he has all the support he needs in you he just hasn't found his "thing" yet

Ben10 I googled dyspraxia and lots of the symptoms are pretty similar. he never learned to crawl as a baby. He has terrible trouble remembering even the simplest instructions, despite being bright. His ability to use and knife and fork is pretty basic - about the same as a dexterous toddler. I feel a bit sick that I've been hounding him all this time. Think I will try and get him checked out. Not sure how to do this - through GP or school? Thanks for mentioning the things you did. i hadn't made the connection between his ability with knife & fork, his constant dreaminess and his sports' abilities.

Stary - his guitar teacher was useless - hired by the school but had never taught kids before and had no interest in doing so. It was a really bad intro to music for him. I keep offering him piano lessons, but maybe he doesn't want them because his brother plays and is very enthusiastic. I think he wants his own niche. Might try again with a new guitar teacher.

Takeonboard - thanks for your reply and suggestions. I think he really does want to shine at something. He's quite a good performer and mimic and a good artist too, though he lacks the concentration to sit down and complete drawings, even though they start beautifully. Maybe I could get him involved in drama clubs, as they do physical stuff like balance and stretching but far less competitively.

Some people use a Wii as a fun way to help children learn to be more co-ordinated.

Wii is a great idea for improving co ordination.

Drama is also good for self confidence.

Football really is the playground language for boys, but most people either enjoy team or individual sports and activities - not usually both, he needs to know that its ok to not play football but that doesn't mean he won't enjoy other sports or physical activities and when he finds something he does enjoy he is likely to be very good at it.

Do encourage him to try another martial art class, not all martial arts are the same and it really does depend on the teacher too.

Menagerie

You can do it either way. The school can refer him to the Child Development Centre or you can ask your GP to do it. What I did when I went to the GP for referrals for him is to annotate the dyspraxia foundation symptoms list with how DS is affected. The GP was really happy with this as it can be scanned in with your appointment.

I didn't ever connect all of the "little things" together either like the cutlery, bike, balance etc. I was lucky that the school did notice something - however getting them to do something is a battle I am just starting!

Hope you get some help for him as he sounds like he will be receptive and motivated to do the Occupational Therapy exercises he will be given if he is assessed as having fine and gross motor skills issues.

I think 8/9 is the peak age for playground football - DS was never interested either, he was also very unsporty, possibly mildly dyspraxic, and it didn't help that he arrived at a new school in the UK from overseas at age 8, in year 4, never having played football. He tried for a bit, but fortunately after a few weeks found the other handful of boys in his year who were also not interested, and I think they found other things to do at break.

Some schools also have a 'no ball games' policy for one or two lunchtimes a week, to help bridge the divide between footballers/nonfootballers - and also let some of the other kids get a chance to use the space more. Would it be worth suggesting that to your DS' school?

The big breakthrough for DS in terms of sporty-type activities was going on the week's camp in year 6 - he suddenly realised he enjoyed the more outdoorsy challenge sort of activities, so he is now a keen climber (does lessons at the indoor climbing centre) and is asking for more chances to go kayaking etc. He has also enjoyed things like a couple of ice-skating courses. Still comparatively unco-ordinated, and not big on team sports though.

Menagerie -- I'd say guitar (and piano) are both very hard for a child with coordination problems. My son, another sporting disaster, tried both with no success and then discovered brass playing, where you only need to wiggle ONE hand. We've since been told that he is borderline for dyspraxia (and indeed ADHD and Asperger's syndrome) but that music training can somehow help to overcome some of the neuro difficulties.

This may be just woo. All the same, if you can stand having a trumpet or tuba in the house, it's worth a go. Euphonium-lifting should probably count as a sport in its own right.

Would also second drama, where a bright and witty boy would probably be welcomed with open arms. Again, DS does this (and an hour's dancing a week, which he was surprised to find he adores -- just as long as no one from school finds out).

Have you tried Beavers, boys brigade etc. My very non-sporty son loves his beaver group.

Hi

Thanks for all the replies. He goes to cubs but that's endless ball games that he comes last in too, with team points attached so he feels bad if his six lose out because of him.

I love the idea of trumpet (how soon will I eat those words?) That's a really good suggestion. They all learn a brass instrument free in yr 5 unless gov cuts kick in. And drama. Both of those would make him happy.

Exexpat - that's interesting. We all went ice-skating and funnily enough he was best at it. His balance isn't bad. He can ride a bike and scoot, no problem - far better than I oculd at hi sage. It's his co-ordination that's weak, and his ability to focus and follow basic two part instructions. Maybe we should try skating again.

Hi Menagerie,
I'm a parent with really young kids so I'm not at that stage yet but I am a primary school teacher so hopefully my advice may be of some use to you. I always think with kids that self esteem and confidence is the most important thing. If kids feel they're good at something then it can make up for what they're not good at. Focusing on something that your son is really good at may help him forget about not being so good at sport. If you can find one thing that your son is good at and helps him to feel good about himself this might do the trick. It could be a computer class, taking care of a pet, arts and crafts etc. It doesn't really matter what it is as long as he feels he's good at it.

Thanks Scarletlips. He really enjoys art and is good at literacy, so we do always mention that when we chat about him feeling down about sport. I try to point out he's very good at some things and some of his friends are better at pother things, every one is different. But being good at spelling doesn't make you loads of friends, whereas being good at sport does.

He's feeling a bit better now. One of his sporty friends came for a sleepover and they had fun then went off to play footie together in the morning.

Running. Cross-country. Train at home to begin - 1 minute run/1 minute walk, then 2 minutes run/2 minutes walk until gradually you build up to 10 minutes. After that, you just kinda take off and start measuring distances.

My DS sounds fairly similar to yours. He's quite clear that he does not like football. You might want to try to find a sport that doesn't require too much coordination. Team games are generally hard if you can't react quickly to other people's movements. What about trying orienteering or rock climbing or something like that? It might be worth perservering swimming as well. Repetious activities like swimming are generally recommended for children who are dyspraxic.

my son is dyspraxic so obviously sport is not his biggest talent but saying that he loves football with passion he always opts to play in goal he knows he tires very easily running round the pitch.i have never pushed him into to sports or clubs because i know they are not his thing but what i have done is to always encouraged him to invite friends round and made them welcome you tend to find people then invite him back.

if a child is not sporty they are just not going to enjoy any kind of sporty activity as for swimming well hes 11 and he still cant swim even though he goes swimming every week.the best thing i ever bought was a big trampoline hes gets tons of fun and exercise and also gets rid of loads of energy.

I was looking for an appropriate thread to vent my concerns about my DD and found yours, so apologies for hijacking. My DD has been on school sports teams but she was always the weakest link, and has now been excluded from a local authority team to which all the others have been invited. It is simply that she is not good enough, but it is a very hard lesson for her to learn. The other girls get together reguarly and there are trips away planned and poor DD is not invited. My DH and I wonder if we should have pushed more with her training - but basically we are not pushy parents and have been able to see for some time that DD did not really have the necessary skills.

She also plays musical instruments, but not well enough to be chosen for performances etc. This is all starting to get her down. She feels that others are better than her and it is always others who are chosen for things.

I am quite a resilient person and hope and pray that she is too but it is so hard to see her getting all these knockbacks.

I wonder if we have made a mistake by letting her carry on with things that she clearly was not excelling at?

She has differnt groups of friends, but the sporty ones tend to play with each other now and my DD gets left with the ones who want to wander round the village and eat chips!

Why is parenting so difficult?

I hope your DS finds something that he excels at. In reality, I never did, and it never bothered me, but life is so compeitive now.

Sorry for the ramble.

Hi ExitPBAK (great name btw!) Hmm. It's tough isn't it? My son today is all sad because every single one of his friends, plus pretty much every other boy he knows has been invited to join the junior cricket club, having done training trials last year. He wasn't invited. I must admit I've decided (only recently) to take the attitude that he'll just have to work much harder at this stuff, and I'll help. I was hopeless at sport but in my 20s got really fit. It was far harder for me than most people I knew, and I worked 10 times harder at becoming average than they did at excelling/turning pro in some cases. But it was the best thing I did. I'm far less clumsy than I was, and much fitter than I would have been without all that effort.

My parents didn't push me when they saw I had no talent, as a result I got worse and worse. We wouldn't let our children fall behind academically without at least trying to help and intervene. I think in its way being unsporty is just as much of a social handicap. I won't push him to excel in a group, but am going to help him get really physically fit and confident and comfortable that he's increasing his ability, even though that will require massive effort on his part. He resisted at first but we've bought a book about dyspraxia and do the exercises from it everyday. Today for the first time ever, he asked to go out swimming at the lido rather than be stuck inside on video games. He's asked to do something sporty tomorrow too.

mumtoone, thanks for those ideas. He keeps asking to do a Go Ape but is too young (and would be far too scared. But rock climbing might be perfect for him. There's a wall near us.

Doodlez - I'll give that running a go. It would really help him, and I've just started running too, same way - 1 min walk, 1 min run, so he might be persuaded to come too.

pinkstar - he does have friends back, it's just a rapidly diminishing circle as many of them don't invite him back to theirs as they sport obsessed and know he isn't. I really do think he needs to get more confident with something physical if he wants to have more in common with them. Agree about the trampoline though. He does love that.