Sons girlfriend does not say hello when she stay at our home

[how77]

I am new to mumsnet, and I'm not actually a woman, hope this isn't an issue. I am a stepdad to an 18/19 yo son, and yes I do mean son, as that is how I see him, and not my stepson.

My son has recently started dating his first serious girlfriend, she is 3 years older than him (early twenties).

We are quite liberal with our son as he is a decent person who has never caused issues or been a bad child (something that perhaps many children cannot say in this day and age).

I came on the scene when he was 13, so almost 6 years now, and our relationship has always been good, more of a testament to him allowing me in rather than my great parenting skills.

So back to the subject, since he has starting seeing this girl, who we have met and had dinner with (once), she has stayed at our home perhaps 20-30 times, and on only the first occasion did he bring her to wherever we were in the house and say hello. We felt the meal we had together would break the ice, which it did, but even now, when they come to the house, our son dissappears in his room with her and we don't even see her unless we go to his room and say hello. I was initially surprised at this as she is older than him and I would have thought that she would insist on saying hello even if he didn't want to do it.

She may be shy, and he may be embaressed, but on his side this would be very much out of character, we discuss everything with him and I have always ensured that I never judge him but give him honest caring advice.

I have allowed my wife to take the front seat with this as has always been the case (just for information, we have always made joint decisions when it comes to our son, and discussed parenting tactics). So after the first couple of times it was just ignored by my wife but now, its grating on me that this doesn't seem quite right and as its our home (thats all three of us), it feels disrespectful on his part and hers.

Any views or opinions are welcome. I must stress that this is not a stepfather/stepson issue, and I'm not as interested in the dynamics of our relationship as not blood related, don't forget his mother is, well his mother, and neither of them acknowledge her when they come to the house.

We will have to approach this subject, as it feels like two houses living under one roof and a real devision. Ladies, parents what are your thoughts, would this be acceptable to you? And if it is acceptable, why?

Lastly I know he is not a child, but he is our son and still has a very immature view on many things and while strives for independance lacks the drive to seek it our for himself.

Many thanks in advance.

I think it's down to your son to take the lead and bring her to wherever you are in the house. She may be shy, this can be the case even for someone in her twenties

Are you eating meals with them? That's one way to break the ice and even then it may take a long time. Meeting and socialising with a boyfriend/girlfriend's parents can be agonising for some people and as she's in your house you should be making her feel welcome.

I suggest you ask your son to make sure that you can say hello to her when she first comes in - just say that you would like to get to know her a little better as they have been going out for some time.

Thanks for your view. We do not eat meals together, as she is a vegetarian. This isn't an issue for us, I do most of the cooking at home and I'm a dab hand so not a problem for me. He has said that he doesn't like to eat meat around her and has all but stopped when he is with her. We have been for a meal with them both and it really broke the ice, all went well, but then one week later we were back to a sort of them and us.

We have tackled the subject with him before but not forcefully, unfortunately he took a defencesive postition and saw our discussion as an infringement of his private space and his right to do what he wanted.

How often do you eat together as a family? If it is your normal routine just say to your son that you would his gf there - say, on next Tuesday evening or whenever. Tell him the vegetarianism is a red herring as you can easily cater for her.
Is there a birthday coming up? Maybe you could have some sort of celebration in your home which includes her? I think that the ice needs breaking in your home envirionment rather than you all go out to a restaurant. The reason I'm taking an interest in your predicament is that my dd2 has a very shy boyfriend and they spend most of their time in her room. we don't mind that at all because they always share our mealtimes. However his shyness is excrutiating, and conversation is really hard going for us all even after a year of knowing us.

Sorry harsh mum here, he has no private space to get defensive over as it is you and your wifes' house. All you are asking (or perhaps you need to verbalise that and make it clear) is that when she enters your home, common curtesy would dictate she gives a cheery (pushing it, I know!) hello to you both.

I am sure she is v shy however, all you seem to require is a hello so you know she is in the house. And he would be defensive - he's a young teen/man and I doubt this politeness occured to them. I would just reiterate that it matters to you, that they greet you hello as they enter your house and after doing that, it is fine if they get on with whatever it is they wish to do.

Tell him that the way she is acting is incredibly rude and you expect if someone is in your house and staying over that she at least come and say hello or share a meal with you or even have a short conversation.

Or knock on bedroom door and invite them down for tea and cake or just stand there making polite conversation.

I had this a bit with my son and daughter and their partners. It wasn't deliberate rudeness on their parts, more a combination of acute shyness and unfamiliarity (the partners) in the beginning and a degree of unthinking-ness on my kids part, plus the fact that all they really wanted to do was spend time alone together.
I dealt with it by just warmly calling "come in and say Hi!" as they were passing and suggesting that they have a brew with me so that we could catch up before they disappeared. They soon got used to it and became more comfortable with spending more time downstairs spontaneously, but the bulk of their time was spent upstairs, which was ok by me.
In your case, if you've already spoken to your son and got a defensive reaction you might just have to state more strongly to him that to not say hello or whatever is just plain rude and it makes you uncomfortable, so he needs to be more thoughtful. I would also plan to eat together more often.

I never used to say hello to my exes dad when we went in the house but neither did he. I can see now it was rude but in my defence I was shy.

I would ease off a bit tbh. It isn't the end of the world that they don't say hello but you could say to him you need to know who is in the house (if you do).