If you are a child of parents who had a messy divorce and are now parents yourself (or mum2b) please give your experiences.

[JimmyChoo17]

Hi all

My parents split when I was 4 but I've always had a good relationship with them both but it was and still is a messy split. Both are good at playing victim my dad especially but in all honesty my mum is malicious but not in an obvious way. There split whilst it obviously impacted us 3 kids over the years never really came to a head until last year. I'm now 29 so obviously a lot of time has passed. I got fed up of hearing how sorry my dad is for himself and even talking about ending it all etc. He has done this for years but he wouldn't it's just woe is me talk, which he admitted. I also got fed up of my mum lying to me about my dad and also being bitchy about my brothers wife and lying about my brother and sister, for stupid things so god knows what she says about me. So I basically confronted them with it (with my brother and sister too r) and we exposed them whilst all in a room so everyone knew the bollocks that had gone on. Since that day I have found it really hard dealing with them both socially and see less of them but I love them both of course.
That's the history in a nutshell there are of course more details but you guys aren't shrinks ha ha! But I think this has heavily influenced how I intend to parent my children.

What I am wondering is those of you who had messy childhoods, or like me enlightening adulthood - how has this impacted you as a parent? Good bad stories??

I am expecting my 1st child in less than 10 weeks. I will never subject my kids to what either of them have done mentally to me. I also don't want my mum involved other than seeing her grandchild. I know this will be noticed by DH's family but they have a good relationship with my parents and I don't want them to know the history.

I have no intention of leaving my child with my mum ever.

Bit of an essay but it's something I think about a lot but am wondering how you ladies with messy divorced parents reacted at becoming a parent yourself?

My parents stayed together but DPs parents divorce was awful and its definately impacted on our family life.

One of the (many) reasons we will never have a big wedding/ get married is because having his mum, step dad and dad in the same room would be just dreadful. I guess children are curious and will want to know why their family is the shape it is so that is something we will have to explain to DS when he gets older.

Because I know there were various types of violence too I am really conscious that DS knows, when he grows up, about what it means to hurt someone or be hurt.

One thing I have noticed about DP is that when he flares up/ becomes really sensitive about parenting it tends to reflect his own childhood and how sad I know he sometimes feels about it all, especially stuff about his mum leaving him.

A lot of this came out when I was pregnant and soon after DS was born so
I think its great that you've confronted some of this already with your parents.

On a more positive note, DPs step dad was a terrible parent to DP. However, he is a fantastic grand parent to his grandchildren. I guess he learnt by his mistakes - to some degree - and mellowed with age.

Sorry to hear violence was a factor,I am lucky that my situation was nothing like that but I think mentally it's been more gruelling since we got it all in the open. I suppose that's because we were all carrying on like the problems didn't exist.

My parents couldn't be in a room together at all.
My brother was the first to marry and he told them if they couldn't be civil for the sake of their family then they would not be invited to anything. Luckily he got to tackle the wedding scenario before it was my turn! They just sat apart. It is awful and does cause problems sometimes at family do's. Funnily enough tho my dad gets on with her partner! It's a shame if it stops you marrying how you want to. We all tell them unless they grow up they aren't invited to things! Funny how you become the parent! Its their loss so i hope i don't have to go thru the same things my brother did. Luckily my husbands family are all in tact and have none of these issues.
Do you find it difficult to deal with as the other half? I do feel sorry for my hubby sometimes having to see me upset by it all.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of good advice from people who's parents split up (mine did not, still happily together) but I just wanted to say that it kind of makes me wince a bit to see you type that your parents are good at playing victim. As though the marriage breakdown was not first and foremost about them. Their marriage breakdown was their loss of future/dream, it was their disappointment. So rather than playing at being victims they were victims of disappointment.

I couldnt be in a room with my x either. He tried to strangle me and he abused me every way imaginable for years. If my dc in 20 years say that I have played the victim I would be extremely upset. And angry to be honest, that after 30 odd years of being a good parent, that my experiences and feelings, my truth had beeen dismissed down to 'playing the victim'.

Just a different angle and something to consider. Most posts will focus on the children and how divorce affects them, but how does it affect divorced parents when their grown up children dismiss their experiences/pain/reasons for splitting? I think it would be absolutely heartbreaking from the people you've spent your life's energies raising.

Hi totally appreciate you putting a different slant on this and I can see how it comes across as being 100%dismissive of them but I can't explain the whole situation (not enough web page space!!) so doesn't give full story. From what you have posted our situations are very different.

My dad does it with everything, something he admits. He said he was acting the victim as he thought it would make us feel sorry for him more than mum. Attention seeking he called it. Little did he know that as we grew up we learnt very quickly what my mum was like he didn't need to act like that at all. In my parents case they were wrong to project such bad feeling and lies on us (and still do). My dad focused on us my mum lived a life of a hapoy singleton only after money sod who gets hurt along the way! I owe everything to my dad for my childhood and I always remind him of that, my mum on the other hand is really not a "mother" she is a great relative tho! I should add we all love them. My best mate is in a very similar situation and no one talks to each other at all. It's certainly affected my brother with how he has chosen to bring up his own family that's for sure, in a positive way.

Both parents are aware now of how we feel about their divorce and everything that's happened since. We have spent 25 years taking there feelings into account and being very supportive but something snapped last year for us all. There was no way we could continue otherwise it would have ended with the kids not speaking to the parents at all. This all prob sounds harsh to some people but unless we know each others stories its difficult to explain and my post is really trying to see how people felt their own experiences affected their own parenting.

Really sorry to hear what you suffered at the hands of your ex, there is no excuse for his behaviour.

Hi Jimmychoo,

I had a sometimes violent and extremley verbally abusive dad. More verbal but that could be worse.

My mum was well, fine with me but not so much my brother. Neither were remotely affectionate with us. They focused on their problems with each other and not very much on us.

I remember my childhood being about screaming, shouting arguing. It's all I heard day and night. I was a very anxious, stressed child.

By the time I was a teenager I felt my mum just couldn't be bothered with me (my brother joined the marines to get away). She made me feel like a PITA visitor who had overstayed their welcome by the time I was 13/14.

My dad I never had a relationship with so I didn't care about him anyway.

I met a very kind, caring, thoughtful guy when I was nearly 17. I moved in with him at 21 (my parents divorced a year later ). We married when I was 25 and I was so happy and relaxed.

I had my first child (DS) at 30 and all the anxiety raised it's ugly head.
I found it hard to calm down until he was 1, I felt panic stricken something would happen to him.
I then had my DD at 33 and thats when I really hit rock bottom with anxiety.
I went to Cognital Behavioural Therapy and it made me understand why I was like this. Your childhood impacts on you as an adult and can sometimes flare up when you have family of your own.

I do feel better now she is 17 months but im just so anxious about loosing them somehow.

On a more positive note (wouldn't be hard), I KNOW what kind of parent I want to be like you do.

It's important they know how much I love them so im very very affectionat
e with them and they in turn are very affectionate kids.

I want them to be confident so I try very hard to hide my fears and spur them on.

I want them to feel safe and loved and I know I have acheived that already.
Im so ready for when they are teenagers as I remember vividly how much I needed a mum even if I didn't show it with my surly attitude!

I cherish them and want to right some wrongs I suppose.

My only regret is that when DS is really naughty, I snap and shout more than id like too . It's like something inside me just releases and I start ranting at him and go OTT. I hate it and I do try hard not to.

The difference is though, I do appologise to him and tell him mummy was wrong to shout like that and give him a hug.

You have to realise one thing - you are not your parents.

My therapist asked me while I was in tears about shouting-
"from 1-10, 10 being the worst, how much shouting and stress was there in your house growing up". I said "9"

She then asked the same about my home now, I said "2". God, that did make me realise that history WAS NOT repeating itself.

You are already there. You are asking how you can make sure your child isn't affected - so they won't be, you care already.

My brother has a chip on his shoulder the size of Grand Canyon. He feels very sorry for himself.

He has 3 kids to two different woman and treated all of them like dirt. Is Just like my dad.

Pity I never heard him worry about his childhood impacting on his kids and not just him.

PS - my mum is the best Grandmother ever .

I have a whole new relationship with my mum I would never have believed to happen. Give your parents a chance at being grandparents, they can sometimes right some wrongs with hind sight.