Encouraging Independence In My Sons.

[woopsidaisy]

Hi. I have two DS aged 6.5 and 4. Obviously due to my fairly useless parenting skills,they appear to be completely unable/unwilling to do anything for themselves. Two friends have been visiting recently, (separately) and both told me that they couldn't believe that the boys were constantly calling me for stuff. Needing a drink, wanting to go outside, help with a toy...the list goes on and on.
They wake me in the morning because they like mummy downstairs too,so I am up at 6.30 too! They like mummy to "watch" whilst they do stuff.
A close friend has 3 DC,boys and girls around the same age,and whenever I go there I can't believe how independent they are. They answer the front door,help themselves to drinks,wipe their own bums. They just fire on and do stuff! Mine are constantly looking to me.
How can I make them more independent without looking like I am pushing them away? They say they love me being there,so I don't want to look like I don't want to be with them? When I say "but you could do that yourself," they get upset and say they can't do it the way I do it! So I will say ,but you have to learn to do it yourself,and they will start crying and the drama starts!
Am thinking of a number 3,would love them to be doing more themselves so I can have some "sofa time" whilst preggers! [grin} But also just for themselves.
Any suggestions?

NOT useless parenting! Just a lightly different way of doing things:)

My boys are 7 and 4, and we're probably half way between you and your friends. I do encourage them to do things themselves, but I quite like the fact that they need me.

I guess the best thing to do is to take a step back, gradually. If you do it in a way that they still feel you are involved, it helps. For example, I will often say to my boys "we're going out in 5 mins, you put your shoes and coats on, and I'll find the bags". Or, "you get yourself a cup of water, and I'll set the game up".

I don't like my boys opening the door on their own, and I like to know what they are doing, but it does make life a bit easier if they can do the basics themselves. Right now, my two are in the kitchen playing Ludo with their Teddies. Grown ups not allowed to play. They've been up since 6.30am, and so far we've intervened in once squabble, and made them breakfast. When they finish, I'll probably get them dressed (again, eldest will do it on his own, but I'll get the clothes out, and youngest will need me to help him).

Thanks sittinginthesun. good to know I'm not alone. Actually,we had to take the cat to the vet this am-fighting again! And they were great. Got dressed themselves,and helped to empty dishwasher,tidied up etc. maybe there is hope yet!
I just worry that they will end up expecting everything to be done for them IYKWIM?

I think you are right to try and make some progress on this. I remember when I was was surprised by visitng children of school age who clearly expected me to put on their shoes for them.
Try making a fuss about what big clever/helpful boys they are when they do something on their own. If they do it wrong don't leap in and do it yourself, make a mental note to talk them through it next time.
They are old enough not to insist that you get up with them, what do they do at 6.30am? If they watch tv then they could easily put it on for themselves for a while.
I used to find that if I made a thing about them being old enough to be "allowed" to do something that made it more appealing to them.

Yes inthesyicks, they do just watch tv. They just like me to be in the kitchen too!
I really like the idea of "allowing" them to do things they should be doing anyway. Thanks.

be carefull, my sister is 11 and still has mum make her drinks of juice, it's ridiculous. It's great you've realised that you want them to be independant. You're not a maid! Thee you can focus on things they really need help with, like reading and play

oh dear - ds is 9 and half and i wipe his bum, brush his teeth, clean his wash, wash him in the bath, get him a drink, put things in the bin for him. ohh and sometimes get him dressed. and IM PROUD OF IT - hes still my baby !!! I will stop when im ready.

Kylesmybaby - you are kidding right? Because if you are not that is seriously an issue.
You need to get some help or your DS will suffer.

Interesting thread this one - especially when you think about some threads on MN which constantly complain about useless DPs and DHs who expect their poor wives/partners to do everything for them. So, I have always thought, as a potential MiL of some women in the future, that I kind of owe it to them to make sure my DSs can do things for themselves. Hopefully my DH and I have done that job pretty well - the DSs are now 21 and 18. No girlfriends on the scene as yet though!

I get my 4yo to get himself dressed, wipe his bottom, put his clothes in the dirty laundry basket, tidy his pj's under the pillow each morning, sort his clean socks, pants and vests into their drawers and put his dirty plate and cutlery in the kitchen after use. Obviously at 4yo he has to be reminded most of the time and there are a fair few tantrums and delaying tactics but most of the time he does a good job. Even 2yo DD has to put her dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

His dad was useless around the home and seemed to think things tidied themselves away . I would not want a future DIL cursing me that I let him get away with being a slob.

My parents were like this to me and I sometimes took it for granted when I was younger but now we are so close and so are my siblings. Its how to make your children feel loved.

I don't think acting as a maid is how to make kids feel loved. My parent cooked for me, washed my clothes, etc, but would have been outraged if I'd asked them to wipe my butt and go make me a drink on a regular basis, they'd say you're not disabled.
You have to balance love with respect, for your parent

As a basic rule I don't do anything for them that they can do themselves. I'm showing them how to use the washing machine and cook simple meals too as not only do I want them to be independent, I expect them to make valuable contributions to the household.

I really don't understand why people pamper their kids. I'm so glad DH's mum made him cook and iron.

kylesmybaby. I can't believe you are serious. You wipe your 9 yo's bum. Seriously. How does he manage in school and when out at friends. You aren't doing him any favours in life.

My DD is 6.5 and she has a lot of friends round and also goes round to other people's homes a lot. There is a wide variety of "life skills" among her friends, and, based on what I know of the parents, there is a strong correlation between a child's life skills at this age and their parents' conscious desire to help their child grow up and become independent and ensure they have a wide range of experiences and skills.

Fortunately, DD is very good friends with one of the girls in her class whose mother fosters independence the most. The girls have already got to the stage where they organise their own sleepovers and can pack their own bags etc. Friendships with (very nice) children who still have mothers or nannies acting as maids are beginning to wither...

Yes. I have to say that looking at the relationship threads really makes me think. I want my sons to contribute in a relationship. They will have kids themselves perhaps,one day. And I want them to be able to look after them and their partners.
Housework is part of that.
Kylesmybaby, My boys will always be my babies. But they are not actually babies any more. And neither is your son. You are treating him like one because you want him to still be a baby...let him grow up! He still need you,just in different ways.

i was joking!

lol

Here was me thinking I was babying my 3yo by getting her dressed when actually, assuming we're not in a mad hurry, she's more than capable of doing it herself.