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Parenting

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Original poster

What do you do when your toddler/preschooler pulls your hair or kicks/hits you?

15 replies

petisa · 06/05/2011 17:01

The title says it all - how do you react when your toddler or pre-schooler kicks or hits you or pulls your hair? Do you use the naughty step? What about you UP-ers?

My dd who has just turned 3 kicks me when I'm changing her nappy and pulls my hair, mostly when she is tired or hungry. If I tell her not to do it again she always does, with a little defiant smile. If I ignore, she keeps on kicking or pulling harder until she gets a reaction. Explaining it hurts and makes mummy sad doesn't seem to work. She hates the naughty step but seems to forget and ends up kicking again with the next nappy change.

She doesn't pull or kick hard, just hard enough to get a reaction, to wind me up, but she did kick her granny hard in the face while changing her nappy, and I was furious about that.

I love the Playful Parenting book and after reading it tried role playing her teddies hitting each other and feeling sad and hurt and saying sorry etc, and that worked with her sister (8 months), who she no longer tries to hit, but nothing seems to deter her from pulling my hair and kicking me while I change her nappy. It's driving me mad and I'm sorry to say I've resorted to shouting and smacking a few times I'm ashamed of that and feel like a bad parent, and really don't want it to happen again.

So how do you deal with it, dear MNers?

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jobhuntersrus · 06/05/2011 17:11

I would say if you think she is trying to get a reaction then react by walking away. I would just say "that hurt mummy" and then walk away. Come back after a minute or so and carry on where you left off. If you consistently do this each time she hopefully will see that kicking you doesn't give the reaction she hoped for. Good luck

dribbleface · 06/05/2011 20:10

with ds the only thing that stopped (stops!) it is to take a favourite toy who then sits on the naughty shelf, less demanding than trying to get him to sit out and its just as effective.

CoffeeDodger · 06/05/2011 20:14

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rosie1979 · 06/05/2011 20:16

Ignore, ignore. Walk away, give no reaction beyond "No you DO NOT do that.

Maybe she is trying to articulate that she is ready to wear pants? Just a thought as it sounds like she mostly does it during nappy changing.

CoffeeDodger · 06/05/2011 20:17

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Ichabod · 06/05/2011 20:53

Hi. This is my first post on here. I'm glad I read this cuz I could really relate to this with my ds. He's just over 2 and has started saying 'get off me mummy' and 'go away mummy' in quite a nasty tone. I honestly do NOT know where he's got this from and he's not got any older siblings. Hitting and kicking happens occasionally but I pretty much do what rosie1979 said and ignore it or say that is not nice. We do NOT kick and hit. I like the idea of putting his toy on the time-out shelf though. Great idea.

When I'm having a bad day (I do suffer with depression on and off), I can take his behaviour as being more personal than perhaps I should. I find that his behaviour depends very much on whether he is tired/hungry and also his behaviour mirrors my own. When I'm stressed - he plays up more. Does that make sense?

CarefulUpThere · 06/05/2011 23:39

My first post too...

I'd think you were me, OP, except my DD1 is nearly 4 and DD2 nearly 1. And I have been trying to get the courage to post on this very issue so no excuse now.

DD1 hits or sometimes throws things just hard enough to get a reaction - sometimes she seems to like the whole drama of being told off, crying and then apologising and making up and that in itself annoys me. Sometimes it feels like she is is experimenting at being "naughty". She smiles as she does it too.

My preferred strategy is probably distraction, but it is difficult to come up with something in the heat of the moment, especially (kind of like Ichabod says) if it isn't a good day.

Ignoring hasn't worked so far for us as she then just hits harder.

I don't really do naughty step/time out but tried it twice this week and it just makes me feel silly. I sometimes say that when she hits me it makes me cross and then I don't feel much like playing.

I will try the teddy thing as actually I haven't done that.

She is into playfighting at the moment (I've initiated the looking into each other's eyes first like in Playful Parenting and am working on my shakespearen death throes, could do better) and next time she does hitting I was considering saying "so you want to fight do you?" cue silly playfight but forgot today as stressed about work and shouted instead :(

Today we also did a bit of role reversal (she initiated this) where she was the mummy and I was the baby and she was telling me off for throwing things but I wasn't really sure where to take it.

Slight tangent, but what else have you tried from Playful Parenting? It is my favourite parenting book. Can you wrestle? I try but (whispers) I don't really know how ... and DH is no help, he is a self confessed wimp!

skybluepearl · 07/05/2011 20:05

by smacking and shouting you are giving her what she wants - attention.

you could just walk off and leave her mid change. tell her she is having time out beacuse she hurt you and then shut the door on your way out of the room. leave her for 5 mins or for as long as it takes for her to be quiet. don't bang on about it after though. just simply tell her that kicking is wrong.

alternatively maybe turn it into a game. pretend operation on a friendly dog whose paws are very gentle. what does the dog say? what operation is he having? has he a broken leg?

skybluepearl · 07/05/2011 20:10

i have read playful parenting and toddler taming and find both really helpful despite being polar opposites. i just use the bits i like.

Original poster

petisa · 10/05/2011 00:53

Hello, sorry for not coming back to this thread earlier and thanks all for your replies. I did more ignoring in the past but have tended to use the naughty step now that she is older as I feel it should be pointed out to her that it is wrong, and by ignoring it I am sending her the message that it is ok to hit/kick...?

Now I think about it though, she is just attention seeking and so maybe the best reaction is no reaction or just to leave the scene... Sometimes it is actually hard to get her fingers out of my hair! It's not usually painful, just really really irritating! It's very easy to hurt her little sister though with just a little poke with a finger or whatever, as she is only 8 months old.

Maybe I will try more role play as well, and maybe as Careful mentions, we should get into rougher play and wrestling Careful I have tried a few things from the book, such as the love egg and asking "is that a love kick" or something silly like that if she just gives a wee kick, and then hugging her like mad and making her laugh, and that stops it escalating into "don't kick" "i said don't kick" etc etc. I'd thought she was a wee bit young for the wrestling yet but I think I'll give it a go. One of the things I love most about this book is the role play idea, and I've found it really useful for releasing tension about things she is scared of, feels powerless about or that we've had a barney about.

She's still kicking and hitting every day though, and was on the naughty step twice today. I feel I shout too much and get too angry. I keep telling her no hitting /kicking/ hair pulling in this house over and over, but maybe that's not working and I should ignore her..? How confusing this is!

OP posts:

nightmonkeydaymonkey · 10/05/2011 06:58

I know it wouldn't help with the kicking and hair pulling in general but perhaps it's time to potty train? She should get it quite fast if she's 3 already.

Original poster

petisa · 10/05/2011 10:54

To those who have commented on potty training - we tried a few weeks ago and she wasn't ready at all. No pees in the toilet and many many pees on the floor for three days resulting in a pissed off mummy and dd. Going to try again this weekend.

OP posts:

izpie · 10/05/2011 11:11

Definitely walk away, say something like "no, you do not hit mummy" not shouting but really firmly and v obvious displeasure, then walk away completely. This was most effective approach with my dd. Also are you using pull-ups? If not, give them a go, apart from when she poos there is no need to lie her down for nappy changes at all.

yukoncher · 11/05/2011 08:46

be careful what tone of voice you respond with. You have to say 'no, that hurt mummy, we do not hit' in a sharp commanding voice, like you mean business.
I've made the mistake myself of telling my child off in a soft voice before, which is silly of course.

Davsmum · 11/05/2011 15:16

CoffeeDodger's advice :
'i tell my 2yo quite firmly "NO. we don't do X" and i move her away from me and ignore her for a couple of minutes'

Simple and to the point ! I would add that you should also lower your voice tone whilst emphasising the firmness and when you move her away from you do that determinedly and firmly too.

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