Help! What response to the mother of all meltdowns!

[fifitot]

My 5 yr old DD is prone to meltdowns as I call them, especially when tired. I work really hard at keeping calm and make her sit in time out usually. Or depending on the time of day, give her a warning and if that doesn't stop it, she usually goes to bed with no stories.

Increasingly her tantrums are getting harder to manage and I am really struggling. I am very sleep deprived with a 10m old too so am finding it so hard. I need to know what to do about tonight's episode which don't think I handled well at all.

Started at 7, she is allowed a bit of tv while I get the baby to bed (DH doesn't get home til 8). Told her she had until 7.15 - showed her on the clock and then it was bed. Just said 'no' which is standard response to pretty much anything these days. Told her yes and she got increasingly angry so warned her that if she continued it would be right to bed, no stories. She was writing in a book and said she wanted to finish doing that and would go then. I said no but she ignored me so took book off her and told her she could have when back in bed. I snatched it actually which i know is bad. I was still quite calm at this point. She however lost it then, screaming, stamping her feet and then she screamed in my face and called me an idiot! Not a word we use so don't know where this is from. Then she tried to hit me and ended up throwing toys at me.........

I am stunned actually and quite upset. I felt like slapping her. I didn't of course but god I nearly lost it myself. Eventually managed to get her onto the bed, told her her behaviour was horrible and unacceptable. By this time she was weeping with remorse. She then cried herself to sleep.

Am wondering where to go with this now. The initial consequence of her behaviour was going to bed with no stories but the meltdown continued after that so feel I need to mark it somehow.

Confiscate a toy or something? What would others do? I can't gloss over this as I upset and this was at the top of the scale.

Any advice most welcome.

it sounds terrible for both of you, hoping you both calmed down before bed, speak to dc tomorrow, you were upset at her behaviour etc, keep it calm, also teach her a way to vent her flustrations?

is this a new thing?

if its any help at all my ds1 went through it about this time last year, it was all about moving into yr1, and soon passed

Thanks for replying. She is asleep and I am having a big glass of wine so yes much better. She cried herself to sleep.

Not a new thing no. She struggled with birth of new DS last year and finds school great but I think it takes it out of her psychologically and physically.

do you think she might be wanting a bit more time with you around bedtime?-- i know my 5 year old feels left out when I'm getting the baby down. I think its difficult for them to handle it well at that time, because they are tired. I started getting mine more involved- bathing her and the baby together-getting into pyjamas together and all into dd1s bed to give baby milk and read a story. sometmes dd2 will fall asleep and sometimes I have to take her away then to settle her.

Hmmm maybe. Maybe a rethink on bedtime routine. She is of course as right as rain this morning as though nothing happened!

Can you get her to bed earlier?

I agree with bejeezus it could be she needs some time with you or just some reassurance that you love her. I would try to ask myself "what is she trying to tell me?" - it's hard when you're all tired and there's a conflict, but remember you're both on the same side! Yes, you need her to get to bed, but what is she trying to tell you about what she really needs? I've read that sometimes tantrumming gets worse when the child feels that they are not being heard or understood. Maybe you'll feel better too if you get to the bottom of that - and the large glass of wine is still there waiting for you! (definitely a must in my opinion!).

Sorry to hear you had such a nightmare last night. They're nerve jangling those kinds of nights aren't they?

I agree with the others who say you need to set aside some time with just her, no baby, no interruptions. But also, sorry if I'm out of order saying this but I think you might have escalated things too. I tend to ignore ds when he starts saying "no" to everything. Don't get drawn in to an argument, say no then walk away and put the baby to bed. When you come down if she's still saying no then pick her up and carry her to bed. It's frustrating, and I fail most of the time, but when I do succeed in doing it this way it seems to work. It's the escalating argument that seems to get out of control that's the problem. Don't argue, tell. Then physically act. Punishment for us is usually withdrawal of bedtime story.

Good luck!

You are right about the escalation and I know am at fault for this. However I can't lift her up - really she's so heavy!

Thing is - yesterday it had been just me and her which is unusual. I had made a special effort to spend a lovely day with her and kept the baby at nursery because she was off as school being used as a polling station. So she had had special attention pretty much all day!

Ah well.............see what it's like tonight. Thanks all.

don't beat yourself up for it, we all do it. I can't believe the arguments I get in to with ds sometimes. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I literally drag ds out of the room when he won't do something. He's not that heavy but my back is so knackered and he's so fast that sometimes it's all I can do.

Sometimes they can be so ungrateful can't they? Good luck tonight. I hope things are easier. It hadn't even registered on my radar how hard doing bedtime with two on your own would be when I was pg with dd. Two screeching exhausted children battling for my attention and me going silently mad in the middle.

This is by far the most helpful thing I have ever come across when it comes to dealing with kids tantrums and problem behaviour:

'The Incredible Years - A Troubleshooting Guide for Parents of Children Aged 2 - 8 Years' by Carolyn Webster Stratton.
www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1304690222&sr=1-1this

It will really help, I guarantee it!

Thanks!