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Parenting

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Original poster

Shrink thinks DSS might be gay - anyone any insights/experience?

23 replies

worriedstepmother · 05/05/2011 13:19

I've namechanged for this as it's a bit delicate, but am a regular.

Teenage DSS has been a bit difficult for a while. DH and I are quite diligent and have read all the normal parenting manuals about teens and, although we don't find DSS very easy to get on with at the moment, he didn't tick the usual teenage boxes at all. We have been growing increasingly worried about his lack of friends and social life as he is basically an extrovert who loves a party.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, DH consulted a shrink who has known DSS for years and who DSS has seen a few times in the past year. The shrink had already mooted with DH about 9 months ago the idea that DSS might have homosexual tendencies. She talked about that again today - she obviously thinks it's a distinct possibility.

Does anyone have any useful experience that they can share of suspecting their teen might be gay? No-one in the family is going to mind at all btw - we're all going to be supportive.

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NulliusInVerba · 05/05/2011 15:29

How old is he? Is the shrink actually allowed to be telling you this stuff from their private meetings?

If not, I'd be wondering why they are. It may be that DSS has asked them to mention the subject to you as a way of starting to come out. But I'd still be questioning why they are breaching confidentiality.

And "homosexual tendancies" is not a psychological condition. If he has behavioural problems that is not a diagnosis.
I would ask the shrink why they are telling you this, and then maybe raise it with DSS. Has he ever had a girlfriend? and if not, is there any obvious reason for this?
If he is gay, Im sure he will come out in his own time.

DuplicitousBitch · 05/05/2011 15:34

oh dear do you think he can be cured!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster

worriedstepmother · 05/05/2011 15:38

No there are no confidentiality issues here - the normal course of action is that (a) parent(s) meet with the shrink and with the child, separately, and that the shrink gives their feedback to the parent. So don't worry about that. Everybody knows the modus operandi.

DSS has never had a girlfriend and only has eyes for his mother.

I'm a lot more interested in how parents help their children with this.

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DuplicitousBitch · 05/05/2011 15:41

have you ruled out drugs, bullying etc

GoldenGreen · 05/05/2011 15:44

You say that no-one will mind, and that you want to help. That's great. I think the best thing you can do is to show that you are tolerant and accepting of gay people, just by dropping it into normal conversations. Show your disgust if you hear of homophobic incidents. If you have any gay friends, talk about them and their lives and show how ordinary and normal they are.

If you do this, and he is gay, I reckon he will tell you.

NulliusInVerba · 05/05/2011 15:46

Well I am assuming we are talking about a teenager, yes?

Theres not much you can do "to deal with it". If he is infact gay, maybe he has had some bad experiences, bullying ect that have made him act out recently.
I would ask his mother what she thinks then, if they have a good relationship. Does she suspect he is gay? Is she likely to be upset about him bieng gay, therefore he hasnt come out yet to avoid upsetting her?

TheCrackFox · 05/05/2011 15:49

The shrink sounds like an unprofessional arse. TBH if he is gay then it is your DSS's business.

Original poster

worriedstepmother · 05/05/2011 15:51

No drugs and we very much doubt there is a bullying issue - I'm sure we'd know if there was an obvious problem from his teachers/siblings at the same school as it is a small school and a very close community.

The shrink said she thought he was vulnerable to cyber-grooming and to keep a vigilant eye on his virtual activities. Which we shall do, though there doesn't appear to be anything to monitor - he has much less of a cyber life than his siblings.

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NulliusInVerba · 05/05/2011 15:52

I suppose really, there is no problem unless DSS is not happy with bieng gay

Then that might explain the problems, and he needs a bit of counselling to come to terms with it.

But if he is happy with that, not distressed by it, then really all you can do is say you are fine with it.

Original poster

worriedstepmother · 05/05/2011 15:54

GoldenGreen - in the normal course of life we don't mix with gay people (being parents of children and all that) though I do have a very good friend from way back who I do see, and who DH also sees professionally, who is both gay and a stepparent (as his partner has children from a marriage) and I wondered whether we shouldn't maybe do something with that family one day. It wouldn't be at all odd for us to see them all together and it would at least provide a framework for DSS to know that we have old and much loved gay friends. What do you think?

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NulliusInVerba · 05/05/2011 15:55

Ok, Well I dont mean to be funny, but it sounds to me like the shrink may be the one with the problem!!

Mentioning he has "homosexual tendancies" and to monitor him on the computer? Would she say this if it was girls he was talking to ?

I'd be asking what else she discusses with you about DSS. If the main focus is his sexuality, I would get another shrink. Bias and discrimination are in all walks of life, unfortunatly.

Original poster

worriedstepmother · 05/05/2011 15:55

He is not happy at the moment (though not in a normal adolescent way) which is why DH went to see his shrink - we are worried about him! And his shrink, on the evidence, said we were right to be worried and to be very vigilant.

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Original poster

worriedstepmother · 05/05/2011 15:57

No, not to monitor him on the computer - to try to ensure he isn't being cyber-groomed, which is quite different. She thinks he might be vulnerable to cyber undesirables. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me as something to be vigilant about.

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ConstanceFelicity · 05/05/2011 16:01

Sentences like this: "in the normal course of life we don't mix with gay people (being parents of children and all that)" are probably meant with the best of intentions, but it will sound odd and perhaps a bit uncomfortable to a young gay teen.
Your intention to hang out with your gay mate sounds lovely. :)
My brother is gay. We knew he was probably going to be from about age 4- He is very very camp (not that that necessarily is an indicator). My parents are very liberal- They were both avid campaigners for gay rights in the 70s, and had loads of gay friends. And yet, my brother worried terribly about coming out, thinking he was letting us down, that my parents would want him to have kids etc etc. I think that however supportive you are, teens are still going to worry.
It does sound as if you love him and are caring, so just support him, maybe gently let him know a few times how OK you are with homosexuality, and all will be well. :)

Original poster

worriedstepmother · 05/05/2011 16:04

All I meant, ConstanceFelicity, is that we don't have gay friends round to the house very often if the children are there (though I have often had gay friends round for adult dinners) and so the children haven't really seen us hanging out with our (my) gay friends.

DH's brother was gay, so it's not an unfamiliar issue in the family.

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Cymar · 05/05/2011 16:04

My experience with many gay friends and a couple of gay relatives, is that they will come out in their own time. Just treat him like a normal teenager and see how it goes.

There should be no pressure on him to discuss this until he's ready (if he is gay at all). He may not have had a girlfriend because he may just not be interested in girls ATM. Doesn't mean he's gay. He may be hard to get on with because he could be dealing with his own feelings and doesn't want any interference (except maybe his friends) until he works out what and why.

You could just step back and let him work this all out for himself, but be there when he needs the support.

GoldenGreen · 05/05/2011 16:09

I agree with Constance - a plan to meet up with your gay friend sounds great

ConstanceFelicity · 05/05/2011 16:11

I know you didn't mean anything by it, but you have to be so careful when they're teenagers- They'll take anything the wrong way! Eg my father once said that he was very happy to have had children- Bro' thought this was some kind of anti-gay sentiment! :o He's calmed down now...

MackerelOfFact · 05/05/2011 16:18

Leave him to it. It seems weird that the shrink is advising you that "he may have homosexual tendences" - the last time I checked, being gay wasn't a psychiatric illness, so why is this medical professional any more qualified to make that assertion than anyone else?

If he is worried in any way about his sexuality and that is unsettling him at all, then it becomes a problem, and only then should the therapist/counsellor/whomever step in. But even then, that would be to reassure him that being gay is fine, normal, acceptable, and that he will still be able to fulfil his dreams and ambitions as a homosexual adult just as he would as a heterosexual adult.

I would ignore the meddling shrink, show unconditional love and support for your DSS as you would in any other circumstances, and wait for him to come to you in the event that a) he believes he might be gay and is ready to discuss it, or b) he feels confused or unhappy about his sexuality.

IMO everyone should entertain a "distinct possibility" that their DCs might be gay - it does, after all, happen!

MackerelOfFact · 05/05/2011 16:23

Sorry if that was a bit snippy, I didn't mean to bite your head off. But I would just leave well alone for now - he may well not be gay, and even if he is, there is nothing much a well-meaning parent can do to help things along. Friends, popular culture, and I daresay the internet will help him along. I say this as a very sexually confused teen myself.

hettie · 05/05/2011 20:46

ok, this "shrink" who has known dss for years. Has he known him for years because he is a friend of the family? If so it's very unprofesional of him/her to be seeing your dss as a client becasue he/she has prior knowledge of dss and the family therefore cannot have enough profesional distance.

Original poster

worriedstepmother · 06/05/2011 07:06

hettie - as I said earlier, I am not questioning the shrink's opinion here, I am asking parents for suggestions on what might help DSS and us at the moment.

The shrink is DSS' shrink who he has been seeing since he was a very small child. There is no relationship other than a professional one.

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 06/05/2011 07:49

Why is the professional person being called a shrink. Is she a psychiatrist or a psychologist?
I'd be very concerned about someone being labelled as having homosexual tendancies. IMO, you either are or are not gay and I do have several gay friends both male and female.

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