how do you handle questions about skin colour? no offence meant by this post BTW

[helsi]

My dd (2.11) was with me in B&Q at the weekend and a black man was behind me in the queue. She looked at me and said "look mummy a chocolate man". I didn't know where to put myself and I apologised to him(he seemed ok) and I quickly changed the subject. However, the same thing happened last night when she saw another black man on TV and again said the same thing. I just told her that he wasn't and that some people have different skins just like we have different eye and hair colours.

She is very young and so doesn't understand but was wondering how other people would handle it and how you would feel or deal with it if you had been the person in the queue.

My kids reacted like that when they were younger, not so much with TV but in real life as where we are not many different colours. I would try to pre-empt if I new they might say something. DD had a vert dark little girl in her class and reacted very strangely saying she didn't like her, we have had lots of conversations and she seemed to have got used to her.

I never thought she would be like that, but I suppose she doesn't see all the different people I come in to contact with. I got her to do a on-line thing and was shocked at her results. It was one of those child of our time things.

My kids reacted like that when they were younger, not so much with TV but in real life as where we are not many different colours. I would try to pre-empt if I new they might say something. DD had a vert dark little girl in her class and reacted very strangely saying she didn't like her, we have had lots of conversations and she seemed to have got used to her.

I never thought she would be like that, but I suppose she doesn't see all the different people I come in to contact with. I got her to do a on-line thing and was shocked at her results. It was one of those child of our time things.

Can't blame her myself, I mean on kids' tv children are asked to believe in the possibilities of "men" all the colours of the rainbow, not to mention skin made from every different kind of textile. She's only little. You sound like you did the right thing at the time.

She's old enough to understand that people are all different, and that's where I started with my dd. I just had a general "everyone is different" chat with her and explained that some people are tall, some are short; some people are fat, some are thin; some people can hear but some can't; some have blonde hair, some have dark hair; some have pale skin and some have dark.

you know i find this odd as my children have never passed comment. They have black friends and always have.

they have never commented on disabilities either

may seem odd, but ive never actually thoght about this as were we live there arnet many mixed race ppl etc, unless you go into the mai citys.
But my ds would prob say something along the those lines.
I am 8mths preg with 3rd child, so when ds sees a big lady he always says "look mummy, that ladys got a baby in her belly like her you aswell"(no offence meant by that)
So, yeah im going to have to think of a way of explaining things like that!
Thankyou for making me think of that q - although it seems ignorant that i havent already done so...!

I was always quite factual with my two. I told them that people's skin colour depends on where their families or their grannies and grandads families, came from.

If they were from countries where it was very hot then they need more melanin in their skin to stop them getting sunburnt, and the amount of melanin is what makes your skin different colours.

The closer to the equator they live, the more people need to prevent getting sunburnt and so the more melanin they need which makes their skin darker.

I haven't found them making any mention of people's skin colour other than in a purely factual way - i.e. Little Jimmies skin is browner than mine!

I think the factual approch is best, same with comments on size, disability etc. If we are out and about and I see something they might have commented on I might give a quick explanation and say not to stare as this is upsetting.

havent had the skin colourn thing come up with my kids yet, but the other week we met a girl with williams syndrome. my dd1 went quiet afterwards on the way home and i asked her what she was thinking about. she sadi ' looked funny' so i explained that everyone looks different and that the girl we had met had a coindition that meant she looked just a little bit more different. it didnt come up again, so i dont think she is too bothered atm.

Yes, lots of information about genetics, plus a very deliberate "so what" manner - as in, so what if that person has different hair? Yours is "different" from so and so's, everyone's hair is different from some other person's. The idea being to make racial diversity feel totally ordinary and unremarkable.

I don't think it's necessarily about whether the children have black friends or not - mine are surrounded by people from everywhere - some children are "remarkers" (like mine, I've had the "chocolate" remark, re a very familiar & much-loved staff member at dd's nursery) and some aren't.

I should imagine the man at B&Q was more interested in your response to your dd than what she said about him.

In fact, I think the chocolate comment shows a good creative thinking head

It is of course entirely natural for children to observe differences between different people as they would in any other part of their environment.

I think it is the response that matters, not the quesion!

oh, we live in a predominatly white area so at school etc they may only be one person in the class who isnt white, so its hard. but peters docs are all of different races/skin colurs(trying hard not to offend here) so my kids are used to people with different skin colours. in fact my dd2 is rather taken by a young asian doctor there, she adores him.

I should say though, that my comments were made in respect of very young children.

There is a later conversation to be had, which is about thinking about the effect our comments might have on other people, and not making other people uncomfortable with those comments!

That is why it is fine for a 3 year old to make a chocolate man comment but far from ok for a 10 year old to make the same comment!

As always, its all about the context and the intention of the words used!

Ha, my ds knows a little mixed race girl at nursery, who - I think - has a white stepfather (not sure of the family relationships). The stepfather is very pale and blonde. Ds saw him taking the little girl home and announced, dumbstruck, 'Look, Lily's daddy is PINK!'
I agree, some children are remarkers.
In your situation, I might have said, 'no not chocolate, his skin is just like yours except his is browner and ours is a sort of yellowy-pink.
But embarassment comes with the territory of having 2/3/4 year olds I think. Recently ds sat down next to a middle-aged woman trying to read her newspaper in peace and quiet in Starbucks and said, loudly, 'That lady doesn't have a boy! WHere is her boy? I know! It is in her tummy and isn't born yet!'
He actually hasn't commented on anyone except to say that so and so skin is brown or pink and I just say, 'yes, it is'. He really notices accents though, and finds them fascinating and lovely. He has a good little friend at nursery with an Irish accent, and why asked why he liked her, said, 'because she has a beautiful voice'.

My only concern about the idea that people came from different countries is that the black people that ds knows are very firmly British and born here and I wonder if that might confuse the issue. He certainly doesn't seem phased by the idea that we are all different colours - he knows I'm more yellow than dh (I'm just olive-skinned, probably that bit of Romany blood showing through) and thinks nothing of it.

When ds1 was 2 we went to the drs and there was a black lady locum - he immediately started saying it was Josie Jump - so I tried to shush him, but reading this thread I now realise there are other better responses.

helsi, I would agree that the man was probably more interested in your response and how you handled it. If I was in his position I honestly don't think I would be offended by your dd's comment, but then again I live with ds1 who has to comment on every single person he sees so I know that kids will sometimes say inappropriate things.

well, we were raised in a 'white' area, there was 3 multi cultural fmailies in our village.

anyhow about 8 I met my first 'coloured' man - and admittedly me and DB just stared - poor man must have been so uncomfortable. anyhow, nothing was said- obviously mum apologised etc. I can't remerb exactly what she said, but the jist of it was it doesn't matter what colour a person is - black white poka dot etc it's the person inside if u take the time to know them, with that in mind - I have gone thru the whole of my life so far not 'seeing colour' iycwim. DH on the other hand never had the talk so to speak - and he's v much a sees the colour man - it's somehting we just don't agree on. I think it's more important to stress that it's the person inside that counts. and everybody deserves the same respect.

as i say thou wasn't an issue for us till about 8 - even then it's only cos we were on holiday.

I just go down the "some people have different skins just like we have different eye and hair colours" route.

I remember DH trying the explanation about hot countries with DS1 when he was 5 to which he replied "But X is from England like us and he has brown skin" which then entailed another long winded explanation about parents, grandparents etc etc. He happily accepts it being in the same category as blond hair/black hair though with no need for further explanations.

But did she look a bit like Josie Jump? It doesn't have to be just about the skin colour. My ds said someone looked like Milton Wordsworth (his fave from Storymakers) and he did, actually, similar hair and age. He also pointed out a woman on the bus who looked like 'Aunty Susan' - white, similar age, dark hair, red top.

I think it may be easier to explain or not have to explain in mroe diverse areas. round here its very unusual to see people of different cultures and all the faboulous clothes likes sari's etc. When my kids do see people who dress differently, or look different they do tend to stare, and i am unsure of what to say then, i remember 1st seeing a sari and being taken in by how beutiful the material was and how stunning the lady looked.

mind you they seem to accept mieow and her gothic ways

ps, does anyone else want to wear a sari, as i would love to wear one even for one day to feel stunning.

DD was in hospital a while back and had a very dark skinned doctor looking after her, she was very scared and all his attempts to be freindly didn't work I felt so bad because I knew it was because of his colour but I suppose having never been in contact with anyone dark before it would have been a bit scary for a sick child she was one over by the time she was discharge thank goodness.

DS who is a bit older needed a bit of explaining when it came to nationality, he didn't think black people were Scottish and we had to have a long discussion about this as he sounded like a raving racist at first. The innocence of children eh.

"one" I meant won