Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

[Earlybird]

Don't quite know why, but recently I seem to spend far too much time/energy feeling guilty where dd is concerned. I've made choices that affect her deeply, and I wonder if she will regret/resent them later in life. I never feel I spend enough time playing with her - but sometimes think that no matter what I do, she'll always want more of me. I think I'm too impatient, and then feel guilty if I am upset/angry with her - even when a saint would feel upset/angry.

Basically I am in a spiral where I feel guilty about almost everything. How can I stop? It's not healthy for me or her. I just feel so responsible for everything.....and what I really want to do is relax and enjoy her and our time together. Something needs to change, but I don't know what, and I don't know how.

take a deep breath and appreciate that whatever you decide later in life she WILL resent you because that's the job of teenagers

Earlybird - I'm sure that all you are doing is just fine. I think this strange culture has ensued where we all feel under immense pressure to be doing educational and exciting things, interacting with our little ones 24/7 and when we just can't manage it we beat ourselves up. I know I do!

But you know, it wasn't this way when we were growing up was it? I certainly didn't do have the things my 4 and 3 yr old do and we entertained ourselves a lot of the time I'm sure.

And we all get stresed out and angry sometimes - like you, I lose patience and feel bad afterwards but my children don't hate me for it!

Try not to worry, if you dd is happy and flourishing, then you are doing everything right

Earlybird - a couple of things that help me if/when I feel this way:

1.A quote I remember from my school days (I think I had to write an essay about it): "Children begin by loving their parents. As they grow up, they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."

(which I take to mean, whatever you do, you won't get it right )

2. It is good for children to be bored from time to time. Overstructured time leads to overstimulated children. There will come a point where they won't want to do anything that you offer, but then they won't have the skills to come up with their own ideas. My dds are 8 and 7 and I see this in action now - some of the ideas they come up with when left to their own devices blow me away (in a good way, you understand!)

Thanks for the words of understanding and encouragement. I know I'm too hard on myself, but at the moment I seem to have completely lost my sense of humour, have no ability to shrug things off, or even to put them in perspective. Perhaps dd's toddler radar senses it, and she is bearing down harder than ever. I seem to be impatient with dd much more than I'd like. For the most part, I control it, but contained aggravation is not a nice way to be/feel. When she is extra demanding/exasperating, I sometimes snap, and then feel hugely bad about it.

I need to find some way to break the cycle for her and myself. I thought I had found a part time nanny to help a few afternoons a week, but she told me an hour ago she's been offered another job, with days that conflict with what I need, with roughly twice as many hours. There may be a way to find a solution, but at the moment, I'm dealing with it by feeling sorry for myself, and wishing I could curl up in bed (doesn't help that I'm coming down with a bad cold/sore throat).

Oh, it's just one of those times where thankfully nothing's hugely wrong (like health, money etc), but things are just not right either....

Sounds to me like you need to do something for yourself or have a few nights out with your mates?
Only you can stop yourself from feeling guilty - it is a destructive emotion that you should avoid.