something's got to give

[hatstand]

not sure if airing here will be productive or not but here goes. apologies I think this will be long. I am doing a masters in a subject I love at a good univeristy. I am able to do this coz dh earns good money. effectively he's funding me. I have 4 days a week childcare. I simply can't do the work I need to do in those 4 days. Dh works the same 4 days so we are all at home Friday, Sat, Sun. DH would love to go back to studying too but his earning power compared with mine means it's just not feasible. effectively I am getting to do somtheing I love 4 days a week, which has no "input" (monetary of otehrwise) to the family unit. I'm a lucky gal. Dh spends those 4 days working to pay the mortgage on our lovely house. In a job he's ok with but not exactky in love with. I am constantly on edge the three days we are both at home. I am desperate to do more study but feel I can't cos that leaves dh with the kids. I've been making a real effort to give him time on his own - taking the girls out etc (in fact this w/e I have literally not had a minute away from them) but all the time I am thinking about work. I am squeezing my study in to every corner of life - up til 1 am at least 2 nights a week. I am exhausted. I am hormonal (new mirena coil, been bleeding to different degrees for about 3 weeks now). I feel I amcreeping around my own life. I feel I need to ask permission for virtually everything I do. I feel I need to be grateful. It's horrible and I'm not sure i can bear it. two questions: if you're doing a masters how many hours a week do you put in? (I ask coz maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself)- that was the easy question, the second one is, erm, wtf do I do?

You are in a partnership..therefore DH is not 'funding' you. what he earns is for the family..not him. If you have discussed you studying then he is behind you,talk to him about your need to study more. It will rap dividends in the future

the three days you all are 'off' cant you have 1 family day and you have girls one day and him the other. Make the family day really special.

thanks am. he is funding me though. I could not do this without his earnings. and the net benefit almost wholly acrues to me. I am in a line of work where my salary makes really no difference to the family coffers and while the master's might help my earnings nudge up a little higher than the cost of child care the bottom line is that it really makes bugger all difference - to anyone except me. so the reality is that i effectively have 4 me days already - so really that's the point of tension. I hate my situation and while I'm probably being a bit naive I do sometimes wish he earnt a lot less. It leaves me feeling very powerless, which I struggle to come to terms with as we are not "like that". We are both intelligent graduates, good jobs, share everything, and he hasn't a sexist bone in his body but the bottom bloody line is that I chose to work in a very poorly paid sector and he chose to work in a very highly paid one. god it's all a mess.

and despite my claims to be an intelligent graduate and my professed interest in writing I can still perform apostrophe abuse. Must preview.

hi hatstand...i feel compelled to post even though im generally a lurker!

i could have written bits of your post...mainly the bits about feelings and something has to give...and feeling you have to be grateful...the hormonalness too ...plus dp would love to study 'if we won the lottery ....id study...its such a privilege'

oh and that you cant do anywhere near the amount of work required in those four days.im doing an undergrad course but its vocational,with honors and recognised as a pretty taxing course(no fat starting salary either)

i have a dp who supports me and our 2 yr old ds.however he doesnt earn much...but money isnt a problem because we have low outgoings.

im not being very clear ..never am really..but i just wanted to say hi and all that

is your masters a two year course,and if so is this your first year returning to study after a break?

i found last year {i took a year off to have ds}much harder than this year because i put too much pressure on myself..in addition to all the legitimate pressures!

i suggest..
talking to your dh...see if you really need to be feeling so guilty.negotiate set times that are your study times(friday mornings?)..ie you leave the house and are uncontactable for five hours (inc lunch break).you stand a chance of enjoying a weekend then.

study is important,but sleeeeep is more so! (cut down to once a week up till one!)

see you dr re that pesky coil.

[TANGENT my friend (a gp) has just taken herself off the mirena coil..citing weight gain and ferocious temper]

god ! was this a lecture??...
anyway,my heart goes out you..but things have a way of working themselves out,as you say something has to give and it will and it 'll all be okay
cant preview this cos ill probably delete it !

OMG just read the bit about 'so the reality is that i effectively have 4 me days already '

despite my dp's graduate status and feminist book collection at the end of the day that is how he feels about me!!

thank you beansontoast. thank you so much. It's so nice to know I'm not being ridiculous. I nearly deleted my post actually coz I was worried it all sounded a bit pathetic and taht I should (again!) be grateful for what I've got etc etc. In fact your practical advice is the conclusion I came to today and which I floated with dh - ie that we sit down and work out something we both think is reasonable - in terms of a regular arrangement for how we organise ourselves on Fri, Sat, Sun. that way we talk about it in teh abstract - not when I have an article to read and he wants to go to the gym. aarrrrg dh about to come uopstairs. will post more later! maybe tomorrow..but THANK YOU

anytime!

hi again. didn't see your post about the 4 me days last night. I kind of think my dh has a point - at least in my case. For us it still comes down to the fact that I earn so little it's bugger all use to the family. When I was working it was kind of possible to construct an argument that those working days were "me" days. But thankfully dh let that one slip (!?). But now I'm studying he does feel that they really are me days. which - of course - has the knock on effect that he feels hard done by when it comes to the w/e - and I get stressed cos I'm not doing enough work. It really all is a total nightmare. But we spoke a little bit last night and I think he's softening a bit. I told him that a friend of mine on the course is similarly near melting point - I think he has a suspicion that the work pressure comes from me, not from the actual work load - he was a bit more willing to concede that it is actually tough. On the other hand I have conceded that in order to pass the exams and maintain sanity I need to be strategic about my study - even at this stage. I'm trying to cover everything and am nearly breaking - I need to start being carefully selective. I don't really want to cos I want to make the best of the opportunity to do the course - but if that means sacrificing my sanity it's no good! What are you studying? if its vocational then presumably you're setting yourself up for work? Have you got a decent amount of childcare? Not being nosey, just interesting to compare experiences. Right that's enough this post is already too long and guess what? I need to work!! btw are you coming to the Pizza get together in London?

I'm doing anything to avoid essay writing this morning. I am very pathetic about organising my time and dh is paying for my course too - it's a postgrad specialist teaching course. I feel guilty that I can't run the house, look after the baby and the three others anyway so the course is a bit of an overload for me. I constantly feel guilty that dh comes home for 48 hours to work at the weekend as he's really busy right now and for once the baby's asleep and I'm still not doing anything... AND the dishwasher's broken.
You're certainly not alone. Have promised myself a treat tomorrow if I catch up on my work. Probably looking for a new dishwasher

...i feel sooo guilty being on m/net when its not what i came on the computer to do!!!

anyway where was i?

so much to say ,so little time.do you ever feel taht your dh has got used to you doing well...ie managing all the domestic and academic stuff .i did well last year in my exams and dp now reassures me with the 'you can do it' line ..as though it's easy,when im not sure i can sustain that level of work for another year and a half [melodramatic sigh]

im glad you asked some questions cos left to my own devices i just ramble.
im doing speech and language therapy,im seven weeks into my third year.it is a brilliant course.its fascinating...though i can make it sound pretty boring.

whats your masters in? and is it one year?
how many children have you got?
i have family doing the bulk of the childcare[hence low outgoings] and a childminder for two days.
im not going to the meet up..no particular reason why not...was a tiny bit tempted ,but its harder to lurk in real life are you going?

Hi beansontoast and hatstand.

I'm in a similiar predicament - final year of a degree, and feel that for the past 2 years I've been tearing myself in two between dh, child, home, college and there's not alot left for me! I have found studying a fantastic experience, but also one that has brought many feelings of guilt, sadness and exhaustion! It doesn't help that I'm a bit of a perfectionist, always aiming for the best mark I can possibly get, and feeling extremely bad if I get a good mark instead of an excellent one! My dh is fab -he's funding my studies, but also frequently says 'You'll be fine, you can do it, you've done so well up till now', when I'm practically falling apart!!

I don't have any major tips for holding it together, just keep plodding on, and try and stay off mumsnet!!

Oooh can I join?
Am starting my MSc next year.Dh willkeep on working in his (mostly abroad) job. Children will be in school and nursery.
Mine is job related and will make some difference to my salary (althogh this is not why I'm doing it.)

I am soooo looking forward to it after 18 month at home.
I will be expecting him to really pull his weight when he is around. Mind you,he has just finished his MSc (5 yrs p/t) on top of a very stressful job and I have ben massively supportive,so it's payback time.

HS,if you need to work on one of the three days,it sohuldn't be an issue imo. It's not forever and is abviously going to make you feel so much better about yourself. If he can't see this....

My dh knowsIam chomping at the bit to get studying again.