My teenage daughter has gone to live with my narcisstic X

[freedomatacost]

Hope u can help. After two years of hell going through Family Court, my fourteen year old daughter is now living full time with her father. He is violent and still succeeding in hurting me by brain washing our kids. The Court tried to keep her with me but when she was it was terrible and she kept going back to her dads. He has told her that I love my younger daughter (10) more than her (in fact it is he that wants the older daughter - who looks like him, and not the younger daughter). I feel I have let her down but her behaviour was so bad and I was getting ill. She won't talk to me what should I do?

Hi, not sure I can help but am in a similar situation to you, split up with ex when my daughter was 5, he was controlling and sometimes violent, during split he made my life hell, afterwards he would make it difficult for me to contact my daughter when she was staying with him for weekends etc and would do other petty things to upset me, basically it was a constant battle.

Finally age 9 she said she wanted to live with him as he had promised her various activities and things if she did (I couldn't afford them), went back to court and idiot cafcass officer was completely fooled by him, thought she had such a wonderful life with him that she ruled in his favour, by that point I had had a breakdown and ended up in hospital. My daughter is now 15 and will have no contact with me, I haven't seen her for almost 4 years now and am still heartbroken. I send her cards for birthday and xmas (used to write letters but she stopped replying) but never get anything back. My hope is that when she is a little older and knows her own mind she will start to question what happened and finally learn the truth, and may come back to me (well thats what people tell me anyway).

Maybe if you write to her and let her know how much you miss her it may at least be the start of regaining contact - thats if a letter would get to her? I never knew if mine were being intercepted.

I know how devastated you must feel, my best advice is to try your best to regain contact in any way you can so she can never say that you didn't try or weren't bothered. Its a difficult age anyway without your ex manipulating her (I thought my ex was the only man to behave that way) and you need to tell him that he is only making things worse for her in his effort to get one over on you. If he loves her he should be encouraging her to keep a relationship with you and your other daughter. I would try appealing to his better nature (if he has one) and keep trying with your daughter, I wish you the best and hope you get a happy ending :-)

Thanks buffy13, I was very, very sorry to hear your story. I found it hard enough when my daughter was 13 and left, it must be so painful for u! The Courts get it wrong some times! I strongly believe, unless a mother has serious problems, then there is no stronger love or bond. I know the dads will now bombared me. But giving birth, breast feeding etc, etc - it is such a close experience.

I try where ever possible to tell my daughter that I love her and that my door is always open. She has broken my heart, I have forced any resentment back.

My ex has to create the image that he has done nothing wrong. It was me that made him do all those terrible things. My daughter has been fooled but she is getting older and I will never give up on her.

I will keep everything crossed for you. You sound like a lovely, caring mother and it is wrong what has happened to you. Life can be shit. I try to think I had my daughter she gave me so much joy.... Fingers crossed they will both come back to us!

Thank you, its true life is shit, still can't really believe its happened you must be the same. I am now remarried with baby boy and think every day that my daughter should be with us she would be such a wonderful big sister, she doesn't even know that he exists.
Is your daughter still seeing her sister?
Maybe we will both get a happy ending eventually, would like to think that good triumphs in the end and that karma really does exist!

Thanks for sharing, it all sounds so wrong! I can understand how u r not over it. This again confirms what a good mother u r. I have felt the same, I did everything for my girls but one was taken from me. Mothers that have done terrible things to themseves and their children still have care of them but u and I did nothing and yet they were allowed to be taken from us!

It is great that u have a new baby but as u say such a terrible shame that your daughter is not growing up with him.

I find it hard to believe that someone, even a child, who has been influenced, could forget love and care. When I left my ex I took both the girls but slowly he kept the elder one. She did not seem to miss the younger but my yougest realy missed her. It was terrible when they were both being nasty to me and voicing his crap and violence. Things r much better with my youngest now and she sees her sister at her dads. I know he is trying to take the youngest away as well.

All I think we can do is hope that soon the girls will come to their senses and realise what has been going on. Have u read the bood "Malignant Self Love"? If I had read this book before I separated, I would have kept my girls close and I think things would have been different. Thanks again