Please help me to help my perfectionist dd.

[ratsnapper]

My dd who is almost 10 is really struggling at the moment. She has always had a very hard time failing at anything. Luckily for her, a lot of things have some easily - schoolwork etc - but whenever she can't do something right away or needs help, or doesn't get the "best" mark, she gets so upset which can come out as anger.

We moved at the start of this school year and she's settled ok into the new school, has friends etc. But I think a combination of the material getting just that bit trickier, and a rather "traditional" teacher, have meant she's coming home upset more and more. She said the teacher told her off for "attitude" and for getting annoyed with other children during group work. She does sometimes get frustrated with other children, I think due to the high standards she has for herself and others.

I do worry that I might have been a bit hard on her in the past, expecting too much, and I feel guilty that I might have contributed to this. I've tried so hard to back off as she gives herself such a hard time anyway. However I find it hard to get the balance between treating her gently and not letting her away with rude and obnoxious behaviour.

I've talked to her about what to do/say when she feels she might lose her temper, but I'm not sure how to help her with her need to always achieve the highest marks. She's already worried about her end of year report, even though I've told her there's no pressure at all. We encourage her to do things even if she's not the best, to try to instill the idea of doing things just for fun. The thing is, I do of course want her to try hard at school, but it's like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Any suggestions?

Hi ratsnapper, I sympathise with you and your DD, because I was like that as a child and it's really quite a stressful way to be. Just to reassure you, - my sisters are not perfectionist at all, so I think it is just a character trait, and nothing to do with my parents.

IF you google 'How to help a perfectionist child', lots of stuff comes up, here's one example you might get a few ideas if you browse through. I think a lot of it seems to be about giving children coping strategies for failure, and encouraging them to try things even if they may not succeed, and then praise the effort and courage of trying.

HTH

I had quite a few friends who were like this at school, they did find life very difficult, so I can understand how hard this must be for you.

Maybe you could try encouraging her to join a club etc at something she is really awful at. Get her used to the idea that you can have fun just be joining in not just by being the best or being in control?

If not, a lot of these people ended up in counselling and it might have been helpful if this was started sooner rather than later.

I read a great book called Nurtureshock, which had a chapter about praise and how it has the opposite effect on children, i.e leaves them reliant on praise for achievements and if they are a high achiever then they are much more at risk for coming unstuck in the sort of situation that your daughter finds herself in. You can go onto amazon and just read the first chapter by searching inside the book, I can't remember what they suggested but it may be worth a look. Sorry if my post was a bit rambly, it is worth a look, just to maybe even understand her point of view.

Thanks for your replies. Will go and have a look at that link.

I was also like this as a child (possibly still am a bit?), so I know how she feels. If I remember correctly my parents put a lot of emphasis on school work and didn't encourage much else. I still have a hard time doing things just for fun and I don't want dd to be like that. However, I don't remember any talking about how I felt or how to deal with feelings when I was growing up, and if a teacher told me off I would not have told my parents for fear of disappointing them, so I'm really happy that dd talks to me still.

She has taken part in a few activities where she was not the best, for example a swimming gala last year. She found it hard and was obviously anxious beforehand and a bit emotional afterwards but overall she coped well and we told her how proud we were that she finished all the distances etc. I've also tried to get her to congratulate the person who wins but not sure if that's expecting too much. School seems to be the main issue really - she already wants to plan what she will study at university. I promise I'm not a tiger mum....I do wonder if I've given her too much info to deal with, but she asks a lot of questions, like, she wants to know how much you earn in various jobs etc and how much it costs for a house and car. I did tell her vaguely but said she doesn't have to worry about any of that yet!

My dd can have these tendencies too, though tends to get discouraged/give up when things don't come easily (rather than losing her temper).

I talk to her alot about how the older she gets, the more accomplishment is linked to perseverance and hard work rather than instant results. I speak to her of friends who practise daily to improve at violin, football, piano etc and stress that it is the mastery of a skill that allows them to move to the next level - it is anything but automatic and/or easy.

I also talk about where I struggle (and have failed too) so that she realises that it happens to anyone and everyone. Additionally, i talk to her about mistakes I've made in the past so she knows we all 'blow it' sometimes (story this morning was about leaving my handbag on a train because I was hungover....but I left the hungover part out! ).

We speak about the tortoise and the hare, and how slow and steady often wins the race rather than erratic brilliant bursts.

I don't know what the answer is. Just keep talking, i suppose. But it is hard when you want them to live up to their potential, but don't want them to pressure themselves unduly.

Let me know if you find the magic solution!

Will check out that book Ealingkate. I agree with what you say about praise and do think my dd could become an approval junkie. I try to encourage her own opinion on her achievements and be genuine with praise when I give it. I notice that when she's with my mum she gets a lot of "good girl" and "you must be the cleverest in your class" which I do not like.

Lots of great suggestions earlybird - I knew some creative people would be along!

That's exactly right that I want her to do well because she is a bright girl, but with much less anxiety.

If she can't come up with answers or ideas immediately when she's doing her homework, she will immediately come to me for help. I realised that a lot of the time, she just needs to spend more time thinking about it, and that she's not used to. I tell her I'm sure she can do it if she spends some time thinking about it. She doesn't like that, but I do feel she needs to learn that things will not come so easily as she gets older.

This is another area where it can be hard to be a parent - knowing what to do, and actually doing it in the moment can be so challenging.

It is wise to challenge them to do their personal best, rather than constantly comparing their results to those of their peers. DD has been on a swim squad too, and didn't like it much because she wasn't very good. But rather than focusing on how she was typically coming in 4th or 5th place in races, we compared her times in each race and concentrated on how her times improved over the course of the season. That was a much more positive way for her to think about things (though she still wanted a first place ribbon!). I tried to praise the effort and improvement rather than the results.

My dd is also prone to ask for help the minute she struggles with something. On a good day, i remember to stare hard at the homework (or whatever it is), and say 'hmmmm, I'm not sure how to do that....' so it seems I am trying to help her. Often she will stare too, and eventually come up with the correct approach on her own. (On a bad day, I say grumpily 'you need to figure that out without my help'. ). Sometimes, I give her a tiny hint about how to approach the problem (without solving it for her, of course) so she is able to proceed.

I think the hardest lesson of all for me is to simply let her fail sometimes, so she learns to cope with that feeling. So, I let homework go back to school with wrong answers or incorrectly spelled words (especially hard when it is often down to carelessness rather than lack of knowledge/ability). We can't always 'save' them, so it is good they learn how to handle those emotions.

This all sounds familiar!

Last night she was all emotional about being told off at school before, saying she can't stop losing her temper and there's nothing she can do. I listened and sympathised, but then today she started shouting at her brother about something minor. When I intervened she immediately started the "I told you I couldn't help losing my temper!!". But in the end she just needs to learn to control herself, like we all do!

I don't have any personal experience with this (DD is still at the snot smearing stage) but just wanted to recommend the book Playful Parenting. He has some great ideas about how to tackle these sorts of delicate and difficult issues playfully - and is very good on how humour can take the sting out of this sort of thing.