How do you look after 3 small children?

[Eulalia]

A bit of a moan sorry but just wonderign how other others cope. I always seem to be behind in everything. House is a tip and am always behind with laundry, dishes etc (I know everyone is but you haven't seen my house!)

ds1 is 6 and has mild autism although it doesn't always seem mild when he is constantly shouting/hitting at his sister. They don't play well together so spend a lot of time keeping them apart. If they do play then its destructive type of play.

dd is 3.5 and very active, the sort of child that climbs all over you, pulls your fingers out of their sockets and says "mummeee" 3 million times a day. dd alone is enough to exhaust anyone.

ds2 is 3 months and although very easy baby is pretty much what small babies are like - need say no more!

dh works full time and works all weekend on renovating our house so I pretty much have one or two or three kids around all the time.

How does everyone else cope? Do you get help from family? I know there is no magic cure to my situation and I am emphasising the negative side of it here but curious to know how people cope - if they do it all on their own, or get help from their dp/dh, parents etc.

Eulalia I don't have three, have a 10 week old and an almost 21 month old but I don't blame you for not managing to keep on top of things all the time. I cope by a) having a husband who cooks most of the time even after having done a full day's work b) having a cleaner c) ds goes to nursery three days a week d) father in law comes and helps now and again as he is retired and lives nearby e) very supportive friend who I talk to all the time on the phone and see once every fortnight. Should mention my dh is a doctor and in the airforce so often not here at random times. BUT I know I am very lucky with the help I get although don't get it from my own parents as although my mum lives nearby she has a very demanding job and I rarely see her. You are doing really well from I can gather.......

does ds1 go to school?
adn ds2 go to playgroup?

you need a

rota

I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed myself at the moment so I can understand. The bit about the 3.5 year old saying 'Mumeeeeeee' a million times a day particularly strikes a chord.

I sometimes wear spongey earplugs from the chemist. They don't stop the sound altogether (which is probably just as well) but they soften it a bit.

Also, recently I've started saying to them, 'Right you'll each get one hour of mummy time but you're not allowed to interupt someone else's mummy time, and they're not allowed to interupt yours.'
I tried this once after seeing it on Suppernanny thinking I was probably on a hiding to nothing, but it was FANTASTIC. They all respected it. I had a really enjoyable time doing one on ones with them. It's all so much easier when they're not competing for you attention.

However, you have stuff to do. Cooking, laundry etc and I know how hellish it is when they just won't leave you alone. Nothing I can say about that.

You need a bread from them now and again. This is easy to say. Perhaps DH has to stop renovating (or slow down a bit) to give you a break now and again.

I get lots of breaks from my DH but he's doing virtually no renovating. and the house is an absolute tip with peeling wall paper and crumbling wood outside. This causes different stress as I feel I have no control of it.

Eulalia- ds1 is severely autistic, ds2 is 3 - rising 4 and ds3 is 10 months. DS2 in combination with any one of the others is OK as he's pretty good at playing independently, ds3 and ds1 is not a good combination as both need constant supervision.

I've found that bathtime is impossible without another pair of hands because of ds1 and ds3's need for supervision. Often my mum helps out (dh works late) Or if its dh and myself then he baths ds1 and then I do the other 2 whilst dh looks after ds1.

I can't take all 3 out without an extra pair of hands because ds1 isn't safe. However he does get transport to and from school which helps as I don't have to do a school run.

I now get money from social services to buy in help. Which I use- summer would have been a nightmare without it. Over the summer I had someone pick ds2 up from nursery at lunch time, bring him home, and then she took ds2 and ds3 out whilst I took ds1 somewhere. Without that help i think the summer would have been impossible. Things like tea time are very hard with all 3 if I try and do it alone as ds1 runs off/won't eat. On the few occasions I've done it I've fed the baby first, then left him in his high chair whilst ds2 eats his dinner and trailed arounf after ds1. Bedtime is impossible without 2 people so I make sure I always have someone in.

Thanks for the responses. Good to know I am not alone.

cod - Yes keep meaning to do a timetable type thing, mainly for ds who has trouble with the time concept and I know it would help him but lots of things put on hold just now with small baby. By rota do you mean - like 'today I do ironing between 2-3pm' or not as organised as that!?

ds1 is at school and dd playgroup 4 times a week. so not too bad but 2.45 pm onwards obviously is hard and weekends in particular difficult.

baka - sounds like you have it worse than me in a way but good that you get help. my ds probably isn't 'bad' enough to warrant extra help in the home. I have approached SS for help when we are out but they sent me a letter saying they didn't have enough staff to send someone for an initial assessment never mind even getting the help. So doesn't look good.

spidermama -I do now have a childminder who takes one child while I do something with the other and its great but time consuming doing it all individually but I have to accept that I can't go out with all 3 unless I have someone else to help. I often ask one of my sisters but they are 25 miles away.

dh can't really do less renovating - its taking years as it is - life will be easier with a better house (ie one that has proper walls etc) but obviously sometimes I want short term help. so its balancing the long term with the short term - no easy answer!

Anyway thanks - it just felt better writing it all down. Better go and tackle the pile of dishes on the draining board....

I haven't got 3 but find 2 a handful. That is until Sat night when a friend of mine told me about her boss. His wife had twins in January of this year and she is expecting another set of twins in January next year . So she conceived her 2nd set of twins 3 months after having the first. It seemed to put my problems into perspective .

I had a hard time struggling with dd3 and new twins. My HV did contact an organisation called homestart who will organise a volunteer to help out with things, and provide support for you

For me I struggled emotionally and finding help in the form of a cleaner occasionaly made me feel better in myself. I also didn;t get out often enough.

Eulalia - yes, I know the feeling of constantly being behind. I remember being in this situation a few years ago.

dd1 is now 9, and I have found that things have improved over the last few years. Even though dd2 is only 2, I seem to manage stuff better than I did, say 5 years ago. Of course, dd1 is quite helpful now, and they play mostly by themselves, but I do think that we get better at stuff too!

can child 1 and/or 2 "help" DH with the renovating ? My 4.5 year old and my nearly 3 year old both have a lovely time with DH in the workshop sawing up wood and hammering in nails, or screwing in screws. They need some supervision but it does mean DH gets on with things and I have a bit of a break now and again.

We are in the early stages of building an extension and intend for this pattern to conitune once DH gets on to fitting out the new bit.

Obviously when he is doing something particularly demanding they are banned (with loud wails of protest).

DH is SAHD to our three and he keeps on top of things by being an absolute bloody dictator about washing etc!

three young ones is hard hard work.
i think what yo need to do is prioritise. so for example, i just dont iron. nothing, never. it gets a good shake when wet, and thats it.
similarly, do you want a clean house, or a tidy house? or both? i find it imposiible to manage clean and tidy. struggle with just clean.

i also stopped doing the cloth nappies thing. i just couldnt cope,(i had two in nappies, as dd wa s born when ds 19 months old.)
i dont know anything about sn, but the hitting thing sounds like a boy thing to me. annoying brother thing. is he not at school?
good luck. it will get harder, before it gets easier, just think that your middle child will be in school full time soon.

for those of you who have twins (me too !) - have you been over to twinsclub.co.uk forums ? At least everyone there has the same problem !

when the eldest is in school, take the younger two out. m and toddler groups, the park the library. anywhere. it means the house doesnt get a mess, and you cant see the housework to be stressed by it.

Thanks again - had Homestart last year - our lady was brilliant but they are short staffed and most of my probs are at weekends and they don't have helpers then.

Yes ds1 used to 'help' dh but now he's more inquisitive and does tend to fiddle with things or wander off. dd is definately not safe as she tries to climb on anything.

BTW - I am a twin and my parents found it easier after the baby stage as they used to just shut me and my sister in our porch and we'd play together for hours. Same level of imaginative play and v little sibling rivalry when you are exactly the same age.

no help just to say eulalia I will have the same gaps as you when new baby arrives so will be watching this thread with interest

have already put name down with local nanny college for a 'freebie' over the summer

can you get your parents, or sister to take one or more of them out for a saturday afternoon?

I know what you mean about the renovating

dh is constantly involved in the house or garden at the weekend but I have insisted he take the dds swimming at some point over a weekend. He was really pissed off at first ('but I need to cut the hedge/turn the compost/plaster a wall') but now he does it and I then leave him to get on and dont nag.

Parents help a bit but are getting quite elderly. Sisters do help but none of them drive so have to traipse to their house or meet them nearby to them (50 mile round trip). Aslo one sister was a bit iffy when I wanted to leave the older two with her and her husband as she was worried about ds1 and not being able to cope if he got difficult. For gods sake I manage all 3 of htem on my own and she was complaining about haveing 2 children to 2 adults. Anyway I suppose its not the same if its not your own kids.

Enid - when is your baby due? I try to keep on top of things by always doing something as soon as baby is sleeping and i mean straight away - rush off to start preparing a meal, or tackle laundry etc and try to get ahead. This often means the other 2 are kind of left to their own devices but as I said earlier I have special time with them and put them to bed on their own.

speaking of which better get ds to bed as he is hanging aroundme just now. sorry for typos.

Eulalia- I think it dpends a bit on your ds1's level of functioning and impulsiveness. We no longer really do anythihg as a family but find that splitting the children up makes things easier. At the weekends dh and ds1 tend to go somewhere and I stay at home with ds2 and ds3. Sometimes ds1 goes to respite and I am toying with the idea of buying in someone say for a Saturday morning. Stopping trying to do things together took a bit of a leap of thinking, but is much easier. Our situation is extreme- but might be worth trying if it gets difficult. I never used to ask for help, now I do all the time.

I have 3 - 4.5, just 3 and 14 months - it is HARD work! You need a routine, if you don't already have one, with specific times you do everything!

In answer to your question to Cod - I'd say 'yes', plan out when you'll do your ironing. It sounds anal and it is but it does help. At least if you are not doing it one day you aren't stressed about it because you know you have a slot to do it in later in the week. I have a desk diary and write such naff things in as 'go to butchers' to remind me to do it in teh one opportunity I have in the week! I even put in 'change beds' or whatever or else I just forget about it!

I'm always thinking ahead for when I've got an hour where I could change beds/do ironing/hoover the house/clean the floors etc and then once it's sort of planned I can relax a bit about it.

When it comes to time with the children, I have to slot that in too - my week day routine is like this:

First thing - dh gets boys' breakfast and I get ready
8am-8.30 I get boys dressed and we leave for school
8.30-9.30 school/nursery run
9.30-11 time with ds3, bit of washing up
11-1 usually working (I'm freelance) or else doing some chore or other
1 pick up ds2
1-3 spend time with ds2 or might do shopping or changing beds etc as well
3.30 pick up ds1
4-5.30 do a chore (e.g. ironing) - boys tend to play but this 90 mins is frazzled cos they are tired and fight
5.30 boys eat dinner and we chat
6.30 bath and PJs on - can be a nice fun time with them
7pm boys to bed - sometimes but ds2 and ds3 down and read a bit with ds1 (he is in reception so just starting)
8pm eat dinner
8.30 onwards - putting out next day clothes, making packed lunches, working etc

My chores basically fit in after school run in the morning (so might be popping to shops for something or might be housework) or after school at night, unless I've no work on, then I do it when ds3 naps.

(Oh Eulalia I'm Jimjams btw).

WRT SS - they took a year to sort out the respite stuff for me, but I agree that your ds will probably be too high functioning to get much help there. WOuld be worth asking them about playschemes though- they may be able to put his name down for something suitable, or keep you informed of something suitable. Do you have DLA? If not apply and then use that cash for buying in help. If you get higher rate (middle- not sure which you need) apply for carers - again you could use that to buy in help. If your ds needs a higher level of supervision than normal the key is an extra pair of hands as it becomes very hard to manage all 3.

I also have 3 and find it pretty tough most of the time. I don't have any relatives who can help as both mine and dh's parents have passed. Dd is 7 and goes to school, ds1 is 4 turning 5 and goes to full time prep next year and ds2 is 2 and has severe food allergies. I have had to put a routine in place to save myself going mental. It is fairly strict when it comes to meal times, play and bathtimes but it works really well and they know where they stand. I have started to swap babysitting with a really good friend. One night a month I will sit hers and she will then sit mine. It is really hard though and if I was really honest I would admit that I still wish I had stuck with two. At least you have one hand for each child!!! You sound like you need to compromise with your dh for the weekends. Perhaps you could negotiate Sunday afternoons off to go to a movie or have coffee with a friend. Tell him you need this time to manage. Even if it is only two hours. I love grocery shopping - one night a week for two whole hours blisss!!!!!

Oh didn't realise jimjams/baka but reading through your first post it makes sense now

I get high rate DLA and use it for a childminder twice a week and sometimes weekends which is great and is helping a lot plus give a bit of money to my sister. Someone from Earlybird phoned yesterday and said that I am 'entitled' to paid help though through SS but not sure if this is the case. Surely that is what DLA is for?

I do need to be more organised eg it may be better for the older two to eat breakfast separately as it was a bit of a nightmare this mornng them bugging each other. I have to stagger bedtimes too - dd has to be in bed before ds can do his homework which is a bit late for him but better than not doing it at all. It does mean that a child or two is up and awake from 7.30sih to around 10pm. No way could I do what you do Gobbledigook. ds just won't go to bed before 9pm. Its a pain as a struggle to get him up in the morning for school on time but that seems to be his natural body clock. May manage to be more organised though as you suggest once baby is in a routine - no signs of one yet!

To be honest dh is a bit of a problem in many ways. Firstly the house is such a mammoth task that he can't afford to take any time off (apart from our recent two weeks in Spain which was great). There is only so much you can do in a weekend anyway. Also to be brutal (to him, sorry dh!) he is too old to be doing all these things. I did realise when I married him that it wouldn't be easy (he is 20 years older than me, just turned 60) so I knew what I was letting myself in for. But didn't know we'd buy a big old half broken down house and have a child with special needs. He has a demanding lecturing job too so often tired in the evneings. He's supposed to be doing homework with ds but last night fell asleep on the sofa! I sort of feel a bit like a single mother as I really do everything but at least I don;t have to worry about money. Anyway better stop this is turning into an essay....!

Eulalia - how is money? Could you pay for some help with the renovation thus freeing DH up for some of the time. I do think that he has some responsibility to his three young children and you beyond just money in the bank. Have you discussed with him the fact that you are struggling?