How can I get to like my DD again?

[PassTheTwiglets]

DD (8) drives me mad. She isn't a unkind or naughty or anything like that but she is just SO annoying and difficult to to be with. She never stops talking (almost literally, way worse than any other 'talkers' I've met), she fusses over everything, she has no patience at all with her 3yo brother and can be quite mean to him, she argues with us constantly, I have no authority over her, she constantly interrupts... I could go on. It's funny, when I type it out it doesn't sound that bad but honestly, she is a nightmare to be with. She's far worse than any other children I know. It's not just me who struggles with her either - DH and my parents find her very hard work too and my mum really worries about what we're going to do with her. She has me in tears several times a week and my patience is shot to pieces (though part of that is her brother's fault as he's very hard work too!) We have a big arguement at least once a week and we both end up in tears and we hug and try to come up with a way to make it better and we both make promises and things start to look up - but then it all starts all over again a few days later.

I don't spend a lot of time with her because of this and I wonder if this may be part of the problem? If she had more of my attention I wonder if she would calm down a bit, or is this just who she is at this age? She wasn't always like this. Also, I am a highly-strung person too (very short fuse, shout a lot etc.) so maybe I've just taught her my behaviour

She always wants to play on her DS/Gamecube/the PC and, because we find her so hard to be with, we let her . I know this is very wrong. Frankly, I dread the idea of spending time with her and I hate that I feel like this. Does anybody else feel like this about their child or am I just a horrid mummy? :( And what do you do with your child if you don't actually want to do things with them?! We used to be friends - how can I get our relationship back? I joke that at least we will get a 2-person discount on therapy but I fear that we are actually heading that way

So what do you do when you can feel yourself starting to get angry - how do you stop yourself?

The book I quoted earlier explains how we get into a negative "dance" of screaming and shouting with our kids....kid learn the dance steps and so they just follow the dance until its inevitable conclusion -mum goes ballistic...

So:

Mum: Jenny pick up your shoes and take them to your room please.
jenny: I;ll do it later
Mum: No, do it now
Jenny: I'll just finish this game...
mum: I told you to pick up your shoes. DO it now or you lose your pocket money
Jenny: In a minute
Mum: Im warning you, you will have no pocket money this week
Jenny: You're so unfair
Mum: DOnt throw that book on thefloor
Jenny I hate you, you expect me to do everything in this house
Mum: Dont speak to me like that - go to your room
Jenny: I wont and you cant make me
Mum; You are grounded young lady!
Jenny : (%%(&)
Mum: And you're not going to the movies on Saturday....

etc etc etc.

SO the first 2 or 3 times you ask something, they know how the dance goes and they know your threats are empty until the 3rd or 4th time you ask them, so they ignore you and then you get angry and then they wonder Why? WHat did I do?

The key is to be absolutely consistednt absolutely 100% of the time.

Mum: Jenny pick up your shoes and take them to your room please.
jenny: I;ll do it later
Mum: No, do it now. If you don't, the TV goes off for the rest of the day
Jenny "I'll just finish this game...#
Mum: Tv is now off for the rest of the day.
Jenny: Thats so unfair!
Mum: Next time, do as I ask when I ask or accept the punishment.
Jenny: I hate you
Mum: Im not going to debate this with you. (Exit stage left)

Good old walking away. They cannot argue with you if you will not engage.

Also, make sure punishments fit the crime and you dont heap one punishment on top of another and another and another. Let them kick off about the punishment, and by all means say "if you continue to throw things around your room, there will be no TV tomorrow until it is tidied up" - and follow through!

1 warning only, immediate follow through.

The big tears and tantrums? They do it because sooner or later it illicits a response. SO from now on, no response unless they are calm. DD once had a 4 hour tantrum. That was the last one. She got zero response. ANd she had to sleep in her trashed room and clean it up the following day. and still the initial punishment held.

Angry mum can always say "Im sorry I cannot talk to you at the moment as I am too angry. I will talk to you later when I am calm" - see how that mirrors what you are telling/showing her about tantrums.?

MOST CRITICAL, the following day, dont capitulate because you feel guilty! Its amazing how often I would do this. Id institute an unworkable punishment and then drop it the next day because it was inconvinient and I felt bad about screaming at my child.

You an get through this stage. You have a long walk ahead, but you can do this.

It was very hard not to lose my temper and enter the cycle illustrated by Hatti above. I got myself a note book and jotted the bad stuff (and my reactions to it) down. It gave me something to do and also when I looked back at it i realised how ridiculously petty some things were and also how over the top some of my responses were (I felt embarrassed at my own behaviour writing it down even though no one else was ever going to see it). It helped me to focus the mind and moderate my own behaviour. I also spoke to my Mum about stuff and started a new (and no doubt very annoying policy!) of phoning Mum (or DH if he was at work) immediately if I felt I was losing my temper. Often if DD was mid shouting tantrum I would calmly hand the phone over to her and then she'd have to pull herself together to talk to Mum / DH

Most of all, I walked away. I went to the next room, sat on my bed, made a cup of tea and walked back 5 mins later with a smile on my face. I would explain that I needed time out to calm down and so did she and I would leave the room (so often I had screamed at her to go to her room rather than just removing myself - which was generally a lot easier!)

The thing for us that made the biggest difference was when she was kicking off and being difficult and angry and unreasonable was not to force myself to respond with kindness and the semblance of love and care for how she was feeling (even though in my heart I felt like shouting and screaming too). It is possible to be firm without being angry.

Also I made myself become a lot more tactile - hugs / kisses etc at times when all was running smoothly - ruffle hair, kiss cheek, tickle her, I think it gave her more confidence in my love for her (and bizarrely it has stuck - it started out as forced but now I find myself spontaneoulsy much more physically loving and cuddly with her).

Good luck I do hope you manage to improve your relationship.

nelly, I agree about the physical side. I disliked her and resented her and I had withdrawn all affection because I didnt feel it.

Then, like nelly, I made myself show her affection.

I once read a story of how a young man and his dad fought constantly - every time they argued, the dad would pound a nail into the fence. Gradually as they started to get on, the dad would remove one of the nails. Eventually there were no nails left, and the son was happy that their relationship survived. And then the dad pointed at the fence with its many holes that could never be repaired.

Im afraid I rather took this to heart and believed that I could never repair that which was broken. I believed i would never be able to love her.

This as recently as 3 years ago.

And then, suddenly, looking back, I realised that we were no longer fighting and we would laugh and joke and hug and I knew I did love her again, fiercely and unconditonally. SO that story up there is just a load of old bollocks!

Gosh, Hatti, they could've written that Mum/Jenny example by listening to us - that is exactly what we do

I think one of my main problems is that I often get cross and issue a punishment but then calm down and realise what what DD did was actually not that bad and I either misunderstood her or just over-reacted.

Some good coping ideas there Hatti & Nelly - thankyou once again!

She was off sick from school yesterday and though I didn't spend a huge amount of time with her, I did sit with her and cuddle/stroke her hair etc. and she was lovely! I kept telling her how nice she was to be with when she wasn't talking horribly to me, and how happy I was with her and she really did seem to respond to that and do the 'niceness' even more - to the point of annoyance actually :o (running around fluttering like a fairy and doing false tinkly laughs)