4 yo feigning illness to get out of participating in show: am i being too soft?

[Greythorne]

My 4 yo happily attends language lessons once a week after school. She attends with no resistence, enjoys the work they do and has friends there.

They have been preparing a show for a few weeks. It is this afternoon. She has learnt some songs and has to wear a red tee shirt for the performance today ( ie it's not terribly complicated or onerous.)

But i sensed that she was not keen on the show, performing that is. I said to DH a couple of nights ago, "I bet when we get there on Sunday, she refuses to go on stage." i just had a feeling she was worried about it.

Anyway, last night, she woke up complaining of tummy ache. No other symptoms. Lat on, she awoke again and said she felt sick and went into the bathroom and very histrionically tried to vomit. Did not actually vomit. I talked to her and asked what was wrong and eventually just came out and asked if she was ill because she didn't want to participate in the show and she said yes and burst into tears.

Cue many tears from her and reassurance from me.

Got her back into bed and we agreed we would discuss in the morning.

This morning she was still telling me she felt ill, no actual symptoms, told me it was the show.

So, two issues:

• i agreed to call her teacher and cancel her participation: have i been too soft? Should i have tried to persuade her more? Given she was lying listlessly on the sofa and moaning all morning

• she has just vomited a little bit and is now in the bath ( her dad is with her as i type) and i wonder if this could be psycho somatic. How can i tell?

Not sure what to do, whether i have done the right thing cancelling, but she was so pathetic and not herself, lying and looking so down and fed up, it seemed ridulous to force the issue for something which is meant to be fun. But i know my dh thinks she needs to fulfill her commitments, IYSWIM.

Any thouts?

She's only four
I'd leave her be
four year olds shouldn't have commitments to fulfil
but if she starts clamouring to start ballet when she starts school you can remind her of this

I agree, she's 4. Let her be.
Small children have so little power to influence what happens to them that illness is one of the few tools at their disposal. Your dh needs to tell her he loves her even if she's not in the show, then she might be a little braver next time. Or not.

Don't force her to do something she is scared of. I'd let the whole thing go, never mention it again. Don't make her regret not going or feel she missed out. It won't help.

Yes, i feel you are both right.
Quite honestly i couldn't do anything else; i can't manhandle a child into the car and on to a stage if she doesn'tcwant to partucipate!

I think DH just worries we are sending her the message thst she can get out of things she doesn't fancy by pretending to be ill.

He is being very sweet with her, just drying her hair, for the record. Not lecturing her about commitments :)

Oh, and this often happens in my role as a teacher, with older children.
They back out or worry about stuff and need support, encouragement and an escape route if it truly is too much for them,
Rather than being told they have committed to a project and must continue or they will let everyone else down including themselves. It's a fine balance, but at 4 I really wouldn't push it. When she hears how much fun it was, and sees photos, then she mighty wish she's not been too scared to try.
So the next opportunity might be taken.

I'm glad your DH is being reasonable. Some parents are horrible if they feel their child has let them down and 'What will people think?'
Love the child you've got.

Thx Goblinchild, for your thoughtful words.

Of course i worry that we are being too soft but DD1 can be an odd mix: confident in some ways (for ex, she would think nothing of walking across a busy restaurant and asking a waiter for a clean knife, at age 3 and in a second language) but very nervous of:

Dogs
Cats
Horses
Fairground rides
Certain high slides at the park
And on today's evidence, perfirming in shows

She is now lying, head on my knee, watching Trumpton and seems to be perking up now she knows the show is off.

You've done the right thing IMO. 4yos shouldn't have to be pressurised into performing. It'd be different if she was older and had pestered you to, say, let her join drama club.

I don't think it's about learning she can 'get out of things' - it's about learning that you will listen to her worries and keep her safe.

You should make it clear though that she shouldn't have pretended to be sick. Tell her she could've just told you from the beginning that she was scared - maybe she was worried that you'd be ashamed of her, and needs reassurance?

It may be a good time to use the 'boy who cried wolf' story too - if she pretends to be unwell, how will you know when she's really ill?

Don't force her to perform in the show, but I feel like it's important to let her know that faking illness and making a full is NOT the way to get out of things. Explain that she needs to be honest and tell you if she doesn't want to do something, and why. Why didn't she do that in the first place? Has she been made to feel like she'll be disappointing somebody if she 'bottles out'?

When I was 6 I was 'forced' to be snow white in a school production, I'm guessing as some kind of 'challenge' as I was an early reader. I hated every minute of it. The memory of how sick performing made me feel has never left me. Maybe I would never have been into drama anyway, but I think this didn't help. Not everyone is a performer!

I'd have done the same. It's not being too soft. Just move on from it and she'll revisit the whole notion of being in plays and shows in her own time when she's older. They'll be other opportunies in school etc.

Mind you, it may never be her thing. My older dd has had some awful times worrying herself sick about being pushed on stage for productions at school It's not everyones cup of tea.

I think you did the right thing too.

Last year, a girl in DDs class backed out of a group performance just before they went on stage, due to stage fright. This year same girl did a solo. She was 7 last year, and gained confidence during the year.