Is feeling guilty normal?

[TheBreastmilksOnMe]

I have a 30mth old toddler and a 12 week old baby and I find myself struggling with feeling guilty most days. My toddler is a typical boy going through the motions as toddlers do but I just cannot find peace with myself over 'discipline' and the way I bring him up. I am always going over what I have said and how I have said it and what I should have done and how it is going to affect his self-esteem/confidence/behaviour. I feel like I don't spend enough time with him because my time is taken up with the baby/cleaning/preparing meal etc and that I am too strict/short-tempered.

I don't use smacking as a form of discipline as I have done it once or twice in the past and have hated the way it's made me feel and would hate him to feel resentful but feel that I can be a bit rough when cross and hate the thought that I might scare him.

Deep down I know that I am a good mum and it's all I've ever wanted to do but I don't know how to get rid of feeling like this and wonder if it's normal?

I have a 21 wk old and 3 yr old so similar circumstances. I think having children is just something to worry about/feel guilty about all the time. (I also had an older child who died aged 11 and so have been way past this stage previously). One of the most important things I think is consistency so that they know what is expected of them and to make sure that they know they are loved. That way no matter if you have to reprimand them they will know that it is the action that is wrong rather than them.

I'm finding that my 3 yr old son is testing boundaries and getting quite defiant at times but when it eventually ends in tears after a tantrum he does always say sorry and we always have a cuddle. It is really hard with a newborn as they do take so much of your time and you feel as though your other child is missing out - I try and make a bit of special time with the 3yr old that is just me and him so that he gets my full attention - I don't know if this is possible for you?

I don't know if you are more tired at the moment with young baby as well - I know I am so I'm not sure if you have always been like this with your toddler or if it's just since the baby but you speak of sometimes being a bit more rough than you would like. Is it possible that you could get a bit of help so that you are able to deal with matters more calmly and avoid feeling bad if you perhaps deal with things in a manner that you later regret? (I know, sounds great in theory

Overall though I just really think that being a parent is all about worry and guilt - we just have to learn to enjoy the rest of it to get the most fun out of what is a real honour.

All the best xxx

mynameisdifferent- thankyou for your post it was thoughtful and considerate. I am very sorry to hear about your older child I can't imagine any worse pain than losing a child you must be so brave having being through so much and to be able to come out at the other end and still give advice on problems that seem so little in comparison.

You are right about the worry and the guilt but it is an amazing honour and maybe if I stopped focusing on the negative aspect of parenting then I would feel less stressed and be better able to cope with the real issues.

Thank you xx

Yes it is very difficult to lose and child and probably to a certain extent it does make you able to focus more on the positive sides, but all problems are still problems and so I wouldn't belittle anyone's problem to say it doesn't matter because it's not such a big deal, everything is relative and all isues need support and to be recognised. And I probably wouldn't have mentioned the loss of my first, but with you having your eldest very close in age to what may otherwise have looked like my eldest, I just wanted for you to know that I've also got an older child and seen the way that these issues continue as they get older as well - I hope i'm not sounding condescending - I can't seem to get across very well what I'm trying to say to you without it sounding more negative than I intend to :)

We all lots of us do what you are doing in being stressed out and caught up in the difficulties and I think you are obviously doing what a lot of us do without giving ourselves real credit - and that is trying our best to give our kids a really good upbringing and the best start in life and very often in really difficult circumstances too.

Be kind to yourself too, you deserve it :)

Take care xxx

mmmmh - yes! And I'm thinking all moms continue to experience guilt over one thing or another for the rest of our lives! Even when our DCs are all grown up with their own families, there will probably be something or other than gives us cause for guilt.

Just do the best you can - and consider each day a new beginning!
I have 22 months between by DDS, so fairly similar to you. You will find it does get easier as time goes by.

So don't be too hard on yourself. Perfection is not obtainable as a parent. I bet you are doing great.