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Original poster

Sadness

12 replies

helengrazer · 26/04/2011 10:06

I am a 38 year old mum with 2 wonderful boys age 4 and 5. Littlest starts school in September and I am ready for a third child. I have always wanted a girl and assumed she would arrive at some point. Husband is adamant no more kids . I have tried and tred to persuade him. Last night we talked it through and the decision is no more kids. I feel like I am grieving for a child yet i am not even pregnant

Has anyone else been is this position. How long will it take to stop this longing? Is there anything I can do to move on with my otherwise happy life more quickly?

OP posts:

buffy13 · 26/04/2011 10:57

Hi I do feel for you, whats hubbys reason for saying no, is it financial or does he just think your family is complete? Very very difficult, you both need to agree on this but I know what its like to have that longing for a child, almost a physical ache at times. The thing about having a girl though, even if you had number three there is no guarantee you would get one! Would you then want to try for number four? Is it a little girl you want or just another child, whatever sex? :-)

Original poster

helengrazer · 26/04/2011 11:09

Hubby thinks we won't cope with another child. He thinks a tired breastfeeding mum is not fair on our existing 2 and he thinks it will be harder than I imagine. My first 2 were only 14 months apart and it was very hard work. He dos not have the energy to support me through another child and pregnancy. He has a very demanding job and our last 2 impacted on his work( he works from home and lots of people are coming and going).

I have had 2 cesarians and have been told to have no more than 3 kids , so 3 is the max we could have. I would love another baby full stop , a girl would be the icing on the cake. Hubby has previously said we could try again when the boys were at school and I have been waiting patiently. I got inkling 6 weeks ago he did not feel the same as me and discussions last few weeks have been really upsetting. I feel in shock really.

OP posts:

thaigreencurry · 26/04/2011 11:24

I think your dh has valid concerns and whilst it is very sad to still have that longing I think you have to accept that the circumstances aren't right.

I am the same age as you and also have two boys. I imagine my little "Florence", sometimes she seems so real that I find it hard to believe she only exists in my head.

Dh is adament that he doesn't want another child for similar reasons to your dh and we can't afford a third child. I concentrate on the positive aspects of having a smaller family my two boys adore each other and a third child would unbalance our family. I can now concentrate on my career and try to find time to feel like a woman again. The second pregnancy was really hard on my body and I don't think it is up to carrying a third child. We have two beautiful boys and I am thankful that they are well and healthy, if I tried for a third perhaps I might miscarry. I don't want to tempt fate.

I have six years between my two and whilst there are advantages to a large gap it is also very very hard. I feel that ds1 loses out a lot, I find it very hard to find the time to help him with his schoolwork when I have a demanding toddler to deal with.

I think that my pregnancy days are behind me now and I think "Florence" will be my grandchild.

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Original poster

helengrazer · 26/04/2011 11:29

Thank you.
Hubby can be a bit controlling and has lined up a few people to try and talk me out of wanting another one. I need to hear things from someone unbiased.All my friends are happily stopped after a pidgeon pair..how I hate that phrase

OP posts:

buffy13 · 26/04/2011 11:44

Well I think its very unfair if he had previously led you to believe that you would have another baby and has now changed his mind, and is expecting you to just happily accept it. And 'lining up people to try and talk you out of it'??????????? I guess that I'm just lucky cos my hubby and I agree that family is more important than all the other stuff and despite our ages and struggling financially are trying for another baby having taken 5 years to get this one. So maybe I'm biased. But would hate you to look back and regret when its too late. I would try to talk to him again although it sounds like you'd probably be wasting your time :(

Original poster

helengrazer · 26/04/2011 11:53

He is a good man . He is wonderful with the boys . I do worry that I will resent him for not letting me have one more. We have space and money for another one . I am very,very sad. It may sound strange but i need a decision , the hoping is killing me , I need to move on or it will eat away at me and our marriage.

Do men with only girls long for a boy? Is wanting a girl a girl thing? I am sure I shouldn't feel this way and feel really guilty but don't know how to change. I hope acceptance comes in time.

OP posts:

LordElpus · 26/04/2011 18:43

I understand. I am the same age. The difference is I did go on to have a third. I now have 3 gorgeous boys so the dilemma is still there! Logically though I feel 4 would probably be too many for us, boy or girl. I still feel that someone is missing though and perhaps always will.

I do have a friend who was in exactly your position and eventually her DH 'gave in' when the youngest was 5. She now has a DD (and is rather smug about that!).

quickchat · 26/04/2011 19:15

thaigreencurryFlorence will be my grandchild* I actually crumpled, awww.

helen I feel for you I really do. I want a third too but can't because of the toll my two have taken on me physically and mentally.

I have a boy and a girl incidently but my longing for a third is so strong.

I feel that same sadness and like someone is missing too.
It's so hard and it takes up most of my thoughts and makes me feel like Im not enjoying the two I have because I think about it too much.

If I was giving myself (therefore you) advice, id say enjoy what you have your wasting time!

Also there is an 80% chance you would now have the same sex but I know you'll cling to the 20% as I cling to little hopes too !

PlopPlopPing · 27/04/2011 10:59

I feel so sad for you! Does your husband realise that you might resent him for the rest of your lives for this? I can understand him not wanting another but it sounds as though he has led you on the last few years. Have you told him that this is causing you a physical ache?

Tell him not to bother lining people up to talk you out of it! It's the way you feel and other peoples advice and experiences are going to have no impact on that at all.

Even though I can really understand him not wanting another I wonder if he understands exactly how important it is to you? Yes it would be hard at first (to have another) but it's the longer term picture which I think is most important.

SoloIsApparentlyACougar · 27/04/2011 11:08

Helen, I know that longing too...but my family circumstances have been far from ideal (lone Mum from the off) and I have no man in my life to have another with now anyway.

I always wanted 3 babies, but after a 14 year wait to fall pg and give birth, I now have two beautiful children (out of 5 pg's), the youngest of whom will turn 18 the year I turn 60. I am very fortunate I think.
I have to try to accept that I will have no more children and it is hard, but getting a little easier now I think.
Please know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

jubilee10 · 29/04/2011 14:13

I too was desperate for a daughter. My two boys are 22 months apart and my husband didn't want another baby. We couldn't afford it financially and didn't really have space. However knowing how much I wanted one he relented. I had two miscarriages and went on to have another boy at the age of 42. We Have extended the morgage and converted the family room. I now feel my family is complete and (mostly) don't miss having a girl. Perhaps you should line up some people to talk him round to your way of thinking.

Original poster

helengrazer · 30/04/2011 19:41

Dear all

Thank you so much for your replies. I have felt very alone and guilty in feeling like this and my husband just thinks I am being self indulgent. It is lovely to be able to share my feelings with support and not condemnation. Ilove my darling boys very much and really enjoy them to bits. I had no idea I would enjoy them as much as I do. I have carried wanting another as a guilt and hope and longing for years and am having real trouble letting go of that hope. I need to move on because I am very hurt and angry at the moment and do not want it to affect my marriage or boys long term. Mums just try and make choices that are right for the whole family and not just themselves in the end.

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