Fiddler/or my issues?

[Nuttymummy25]

OMG ok so i have a 7 yr old boy who seems to EVERY time i look at him is fiddling, only through his trousers but OMG his hand is always on there!! Not sure if its a nervous thing, I always check if he needs the loo, which 9/10 he doesnt but sometimes he does and remind him not to fiddle but he ends up bk there pretty soon.......
My bond with my son hasnt ever been as stong as I would of liked and habits like this drive me insane because of this,,,,,, infact reading my post perhaps its more my issue??
O god this is so hard to admit but he does drive me crazy and irritate me alot?? His behaviour can sometimes be off the scale and he is just entering the back chatting and lippy phase, which is just awful, sometimes his mouth is fowl not just with us but with his sister too, I struggle to want to give him 1/1 attention and even huggin him is sometimes a struggle, have tried to talk to hub about this but he just doesnt get it?? i have a 2nd child who i have bonded with so well and i have a third on the way which i have no worries over bonding with, i think my age when i was pregnant has alot to do with my bond with my son - i was too young and kind of resented him and fell into depression easily.......
But I just cant shake this feeling off, and having him at home over easter has just magnified how i feel even more.......
Feel like i need help and reassurance that i am the only one but concerned i am the only one and i am a terrible mother..... please help, i dont want feel like this but it wont go away, :-(

Bless you and how amazing you can recognise and own your problem. I think that perhaps some sort of counselling will help you, I think that ds probably picks up on your feelings and maybe does feel a bag of nerves about what will please you or not. You are not terrible mother just confusing your feelings. Please go and talk it through with someone . your relationship with himcan be fantastic if you do and you won't regret it. on the other hand if you don't you could get to resent him more when you have 3 and the poor little thing will suffer. You care enough to not want to feel like you do a nd that is fantastic. don't be hard on yourself but please seek helpxxxxxxxx

Thankyou,,,,,,,, its lovely to hear some feedback :) I have worried something maybe not right with my sons behaviour a few times since he was a toddler but always steered away from that and thought it has to be my skills with parenting....... he can be such hardwork at times, and a friend of mine has pointed out he is showing mild traits of asperges,,,,,, which to hear in itself is hard but almost a relief??
I think perhaps if i had some support in managing and dealing with how he can be sometimes i would find it all alot easier??
Thanks for replying xx

This must be hard for you OP, I do feel for you.

I have to warn you though. My mum had my brother too young and resented it. Full of so much regret etc.

Anyway, it really really effected him. You need to get help now.
My DB's behaviour was because of my parents I think as children are so so sensitive to mood however subtle it may seem.

I don't see him now as the chip on his shoulder makes him not a very nice person to say the least.

Im not trying to make you feel bad although reading this it does seem like it.

Im just pointing out the rod you may make for your own back.

Try to get the right help so you can understand his behaviour and how he must be feeling and why he acts the way he does.

Im sure alot of my DB's issues were to do with the way I was treated diffrently. He obviously picked up on the fact I didn't irritate my mum like he did.

I remember as a little girl picking up on it also and was scared of getting bigger as I thought it meant my mum wouldn't love me the same and always be on at me like she was with my DB .

I was also miserable with his jealousy of me.

I hope you can find some help so that you can enjoy him more and not have to feel so bad. It can't be easy. I know my DS can drive me up the wall at times.

Incidently - my friend tells me her DS's (7) hand has been glued to his willy since he was 5 !

I think just posting here is a massive step. I can relate to some of your feelings about your attachment to your ds.

I wrote about my own problems and it really helped me, just putting it in writing. I know there is an issue so I make the effort every day to try and counter it. Telling him he is special and you love him, recognising his efforts in other things, not dwelling on your guilt about him but concentrating on TELLING him how much you love him and eventually it comes to be true...it takes time. Children also change and I found I could 'love' ds far more once he went into a different phase - one that reminded me of myself as a little girl,. a time when I think I was a nice child.

I realised I had hated myself as a child and he is very much like I was so it all got projected onto him.

I am fairly sure that your boy's behaviour in terms of the touching himself is more normal than any of us would think, but it is often IMO a sign of some insecurity - my own son does similar things - he does them far more when I am cross or stressed or have shouted at him, than when all is fine and we are all happy together.

He will stop, he is OK, he needs a little more comfort from you then he won't need to comfort himself in this way. That's all - don't be afraid of him or what he does, he's just a little boy x

Re the fiddling I am still trying to get DH to pack that in

DS has responded well to "geddoff it" when he is doing it - it seems to be an unconscious thing they just do...mind you DD is the same, OMG I have a family of fiddlers...

re the bonding with your son, how amazing you are to have been able to analyse what is going on and the reasons. Now you know what is wrong, the next step is to do something about it. I can't pretend to know what you should do, but DO do something, even if it is only research. Maybe google aspergers, see if it fits. It might be that he is fine, but is acting the way he does as he has picked up signals from you over the years. You are not a bad mum, you are fab, for seeing that things are not right and wanting to fix them.

And if you didn't love him you wouldn't be upset the way you are now, you just wouldn't care.

I don't know if this would work, but maybe just try to be calmer around him, ie try to let a few things go, that might normally have made you nuts, and see if you can start to change the path you are on. Good luck x

My DP constantly has his hands in his pants, and doesn't even realise. We don't get many visitors, but I noticed the other week that he even did it in company. It is an issue for me, but not him, apparently. It really really annoys me but he won't/can't stop it. Weirdie.

Thankyou so much for all your lovely replies,,,,,, am sat here crying at my screen at the support you have given :-)

It has definately helped just writing it down as said by Ingrid, admitting to people on here has felt like such a huge weight has been lifted.

I will take on your advice and hope that it works, quickchat, ingrid and missing my sleep...... you all have such valid points that sometimes just need pointing out by someone new as everything gets so foggy sometimes.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Bless you all for replying, its nice to know your there xxxxx

You're really brave and I'm sure you love your boy. I bonded instantly with ds2 as well, but somehow ds1 feels a small step further away from me, like a bridge I can't quite cross no matter how much I look at it, walk towards it, it keeps moving.

Personalities are hugely different so there is that, too - we do very often relate more easily and directly to one child or other. It isn't fair - but then, it can't be helped always. It's finding that beautiful part of him that you can understand and feel empathy, sympathy, just love, for...it will come, honestly with ds1 it's only just beginning and it is so, so special when you get there...seeing him as gorgeous and sweet instead of a pain in the neck.

I feel so bad for all the times I have despaired openly at him, apologised for him in front of people, sighed at him. And shouted.

There's one more thing which is there could be some kind of mild processing disorder, Ds1 seems to have a problem with auditory processing, which means it takes him forever to follow instructions and so on. He forgets things a lot. It frustrates me and trying to remember he can't help it is really important, or it makes us fall out. Now I can see it isn't his fault I am much more understanding.

Best of luck and you're on the way there already, I can tell!

Your story is interesting in that you "get it" with the bonding easier with 2nd child,,,,, my 2nd is a girl which for a while I have thought perhaps thats why it feels different, but I am not so sure it is that now.......
I think the pressure and stress that is on you with your first baby is enormous and that can have such a knock on effect on your relationship and sometimes that click is just not there like you want it to be.

Its good to hear your story aswell, in that you have got there with your DS1 I hope I am on my way, I have certainly woken up with a different head on my shoulders today, I invested in a good book yesterday called "The Exlosive Child" and its an amazing new approach of dealing with things and looking at DS1 in a different away, your advice also has had a big impact on looking at life with DS1 differently too, so I thankyou for that :-) xx

My DD is a fiddler. We're always telling her to take her hands out of her pants!

I recently read the book "When your kids push your buttons and what you can do about it". It helps you recognise how you were treated as a child and how that influences how you react to your childrens behaviour. It's very interesting and I would definately recommend it.

I would suggest counselling as well.

I find my oldest more difficult then my youngest and I guess it's because she has a much more demanding personality but sometimes wonder if it's something to do with my having an incredibly difficult time when she was born. I'll never know for sure but sometimes I wonder if she is more demanding because she needs more from me. I don't know . . .

great to hear you have woken up feeling different today. I wish you lots of love for your children it does make parenting different if we don't see raising them as a chore. Enjoyxxxx

Thanks cjel........ my new approach has lasted all day which is a def positive start for me as I will openly admit my old ways tend to get the better of me and I revert back,,, but that hasnt happened :-)

Thx plopplopping that book does sound interesting, I do love self help books even if they just offer you a chunk of info that can have a positive input they are worth it :-)

Its funny how our firstborn seem to be the kind of hardest in a way? I guess the more kids we have the more relaxed we become - therefore parenting in itself becomes less of a chore?

Who knows!

xx

Yipee I'm so pleased, how did you manage all day? well done, I think def with first its harder especially as far as resenting goes, by time you have more you know how its going to be so there is no blame for lost life etc. you just can appreciate them . How did ds react did you notice a difference today. Hope you can build on those feelings long term. Could you put something by your bed to reinforce positive feelings maybe photo or something so every morning you can wake and remember how you want to feel? would still sugggest counselling would be worth a go to really help you keep it up.xxxx

Well I say i managed all day DS1 went bk to school today so havent been with him all day, but this morning before school - which can be a total nightmare, wasnt I stayed calm and kind of in control of myself when he kicked off, and I noticed a change in his reaction to me aswell...... I didnt argue back and he defo noticed.
After school aswell, I kept it up and noticed he wanted more affection from me and recognition, when he was in the bath, he said "mummy i have been a good boy today havent i?" and I praised him lots and it felt natural to do it.... I know I am still gonna have tough days esp with lack of sleep soon but if I can begin to cleat the fog before DS3 arrives it will be fab.
Nice idea about putting something by my bed, love that idea a nice photo of me and him.
I agree reg councelling, it will be something I perhaps look into. xx

just read above and have tears!!! sounds so good. like you say could be long haul but you've made an amazing start. every good day will start to build future. How wonderful that ds noticed but quite sad he thought it was because he was good. strange what goes through a little mind isn't it. well done you def look into counselling will keep you focused even when knackeredxxxx

Nutty How are you ? Was yesterday god as well or a blip?xxxx

Morning Cjel, mmmmm yesterday wasnt as gooder day........ he pushed me more so after school, his lip and his attitude is enough to make me cry sometimes, and it can leave me so deflated.
He is so fab at kind of putting his sister down - now that prob sounds stupid, but he is always the bigger better one, everything is always he is better and he will happily point out if he feels he is the victim or he is gettin unfair treatment, and it can be over such minor things.......
So in answer to ur quest, feeling a little poop today. How are you? xx

Am great ,thanks for asking. One reason why I thought you could do with some ciounselling to help keep you on target when you are finding it harder. Trouble with him pointing out his being better or hard done by there is a bit of truth in those feelings. which can make it harder to hear with out guilt/upset. please don't beat youself up the steps you've made are huge and won't go away. Did you think any more about a happy prompt by the side of the bed? Hang in there.xxx

Thanks for your supportive reply, yes I defo want to get a photo by the bed, infact will try sort that this wkend. A friend made a valid point with me today aswell, she said I need to start treating DS1 and DD2 equally, she is a good friend and has noticed their treatment is different, she is a sibling and said she was always "the pain" and she can see DS1 is how she was, I am an only child which I think also has an impact, my friend said siblings r as bad as eachother and if I treated my two equally I would see a huge change, she is SO right I think its so easy to fall into a rut of picking on your firstborn in a way? Whereas he has just as much right to be here and be treated the same as DD2....... God what a cowbag I am :-( will get there.x

you're giving yourself a really hard time. DON'T. even considering you might be wrong is great. I think you have no worries about being a great mumxxxxxxx

thankyou :-) xxx