Is it wrong to turn down visits if friend's dc are v ill?

[vannah]

DH is good friends with a couple whom we use to see quite regularly, but lately its tailed off because of me and they are sourly dissapointed. Their 3 yr old son is very fond of our 5yr old DS and 3yr old DD so parents try to organise repeat visits too often for my liking.

We, like many others, have had a horrendous winter with repeat illnesses, but Im still shaken up about the fact that we almost lost my DD when she had pneumonia in November. Told these 'friends' all about it. Nevertheless:

On Christmas day they asked us to spend the day with them. I texted the night before asking if they were all well, it was ignored and we just turned up only to find that the man had full blown flu and was busy preparing xmas lunch with a raging temperature. I was so angry as inevitably we got it. I vowed to make excuses for further visits but I ended up feeling guilty at all the 'we miss you' text messages so arranged another meeting for this weekend, and when I spoke to the lady some weeks ago I explained that for various reasons (repeat illnesses this winter, DD's pneumonia, my dad has cancer and Im trying to see him as often as poss) I would appreciate it if she could tell us if anyone is very ill, ie flu or a bad viral cough (not everyday colds) so we can rearrange.

Her husband called me yesterday to ask what time we were coming. When I asked if they were all well, he said yes but the 1yr old's oxygen levels were low. When I asked why and if it was his asthma he replied that he had bronchiolitis. Anyway, what time are you coming?

I sent them a message a few mins later saying we were very sorry that little one was poorly but that because DD is susceptible to lung conditions, and as bronchiolitis is a viral contagious condition Id rather leave it. Ive clearly offended them,and their 3yr old is let down again but Im so angry that they are not taking on board my request to be informed if someone's ill. Am I being unreasonable? Is this a friendship you'd want to continue with?
thankyou for reading

i don't think you're being unreasonable; there is a lack of respect and they are clearly not listening to how you feel in this friendship, i'm sure you are annoyed but also sad about it, poor you. one of my most hated things is when good friendships become hard for whatever reason, i'm going through something similar myself.

Thankyou mamasos.. it's certainly hard.

No, you are not being unreasonable. I always warn people if one of mine has more than a sniffle before we meet. I've never had anyone cancel, but I would understand if they did. Sometimes another bout of illness is the last thing you need to be dealing with!

Ds is 17 months old and has had bronchiolitis many times and was critically ill with it the first time, he now has asthma and regular chest infections so I would be very annoyed if a friend didn't tell me there lo was poorly.

When Ds is ill I always change arrangements to make sure he isn't with other Children or people who would be more susceptible to illness. It's the polite thing to do, or at least let them know so they can make the decision themselves.

If there lo was ill you would wonder why they wanted visitors anyway!

It sounds like a fair request to me. And even more so after your lo having pneumonia.

I'd do the very same in your shoes. I've always informed people when I was sick, even before I had children. I wouldn't wish the flu, tummy bug, etc. on anyone so try not to pass my germs on. I appreciate when people do likewise.

YANBU. I have friends like this and last time when they brought 2 children both with norovirus to our house I went mad. (Obviously we got it anyway). DH was incandescent when DS started throwing up a few days later (obv not infront of DS!).

Friends like these are not really worth having IMO. We have also had a bad winter with loads of illnesses and I really can't stand it when people pass them on. It is beyond selfish to knowingly make an entire family ill. And unspeakable when they're exposing your DD a serious lung virus .

Aside from the illnesses, they sound a bit needy and intrusive wanting to meet up all the time (and Christmas Day!). Presumably their 3yo will get his own friends in nursery/preschool soon anyway? I would lessen contact.

I don't think YABU, no....but try and have a little sympathy for the fact that they also have a child who is sick.

YANBU! I'd be furious if friends passed on flu, norovirus or any other nasty virus simply because they didn't want to disappoint their kids and rearrange. Similarly, if my DS is ill I either cancel or notify friends ahead of time so they can cancel without feeling bad. We had a hideous few months with illnesses too - last winter seemed particularly bad for some reason.

YANBU at all. But your friends totally are!
If they can't understand the need to protect your LO after her bout of pneumonia, then they are very self centered and not worth being friends with.

God YAsoNBU! They are just as rude as can be, ignoring your own family's health problems just because they want to see you!

It used to drive me bats when my sister would take her lot round to my parents' every week, regardless of what bug they might all be carrying - inevitably my parents would then catch the bug, and it would pass back to the children/my sister and so it would go on all winter. Disgustingly selfish behaviour.

I've got two asthmatic kids, and have cancelled people before now because they sounded a bit fluish. My children are exposed to pleanty of bugs at school, they don't need extras. A cold that would make a non asthmatic child ill for 6 hours can make Ds2 ill for a week.

yanbu

I let people know when we're not well - then they can make up their own minds.

missed seeing a good friend recently as I had bronchitus and her dd had lost a lot of weight having had a really bad fluey cold recently - she didn't want a repeat cold, so we had a rain check.

AAARGHHHHHHHHHHHH

THIS IS MY ABSOLUTE BIGGEST PITA THING ABOUT PEOPLE.
This is my form or road rage - VIRUS RAGE

YANBU

I hate hate hate it and so many feckers do it.

I had my best friend send her 6 month old DS to me overnight as she had a night out. This is before i had kids.

I was absolutely shocked when I began to realise how ill he was poor mite.

I was up all night with him then I ended up off work for 3 weeks with one of the worst flu virus's ever.

Another friend was well warned I was nervous when 35 weeks PG and swine flu was a new and scary thing. I was worked up about wanting a VBAC and was a high risk PG. Had also had my DS early.

Her twins were ALWAYS ill and I didn't want to catch anything.

I text to make sure everyone was well before I came to their birthday party. She said yes.

When I got there with my 2 yr old DS, it turned out they had all been in bed for 2 weeks with a mysterious virus that FLOORED them. HAD THEM COUGHING NIGHT AND DAY AND THEY STILL HAD .

Low and behold I caught said virus and was so ill with the virus and coughing, my waters broke at 36 weeks and after 3 days of no sleep and coughing JUST managed an awful birth with DD who then got it despite breast feeding.

Another friend has met me on two seperate occasions with her kids throwing up - actually throwing up. My DD caught one of them at 10 months old and was extremley ill for 11 days and lost a scary amount of weight. Hospital visits etc.

I could go on and on but it's getting very boring, sorry. I just rant when this subject comes up.

bucharest WTF . Why the hell would you give sympathy to people who actually give you no thought at all and knowingly spread these illnesses onto your family? Especially under the OP's circumstances.

What is it with people?
I just don't get this behaviour at all and yet so many seemingly sensible people do it.
They do actually get so offended if you are at all put out by their kids, or indeed their own illness.
Id love someone who does this sort of thing (and there's loads of you admit it) to come on and give me and the OP an insight to your thinking?

and stop sending your very ill kids into nursery and school when they have been very ill just BECAUSE THEY FEEL BETTER THAN YESTERDAY.

THEY ARE STILL CONTAGIOUS SO IF YOUR DARLING HAS BEEN UP ALL NIGHT, EXTREMLEY ILL ETC - YOU ARE KNOWINGLY SPREADING THIS SHIT ONTO EVERYONE ELSE.

THERE ARE PG PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH YOUNG BABIES OR EVEN ILL RELATIVES.

STOP IT YOU B A S T A R D S............right, im ok now, im breathing

Thats my biggest bugbear Quickchat.

Last year I saw a parent forcing antibiotics down a screaming child outside the nursery before taking him in and telling the staff he was fine.

hi,

no yanbu, they are. DS was extremely ill at 4 months old and when he came out of hospital I sent a note round to all my friends and family saying that we couldn't see anyone if they had any germs at all, even a cold. I'd have been furious with anyone who had ignored that and it could easily have been a friendship deal-breaker...

many many thanks for these fantastic replies. Certainly taken any ounce of guilt I felt right out and into the bin. Brilliant to not feel bad about it and know that Im not being overly paranoid/protective.

Quickchat your rant though awful circumstances -did have me laughing, Virus Rage - love it.
And yes, as an ex-primary school teacher, Ive lost count at the amount of times I was handed calpol and antibiotics at the gate first thing in the morning...

Did they just not listen when you told them that your daughter has lung problem and your dad has cancer?! Incredibly selfish people! If your dad is having chemotherapy then flu (or less) could kill him!

Oh i hate hate hate this!!! My poor 15 month old DD is upstairs in her cot right now with a bad virus because my friend visited us at weekend even though her baby was really poorly!! She was sneezing and coughing all over us all, friend just kept dosing her up with calpol. I said we could have re-arranged, she replied "its better to get DD out of the house and keep her busy" !!!!! Oh yes thanks for that, just bring her here and my kids can come down with it too!!!

Every single time we see this friend one of her kids is really ill, and then either one or both of mine come down with it!! She never thinks to tell me before they come and if i ask are they well she says yes, then it turns out they have something or other!! Im really fed up with it now, my poor baby is poorly again because some people are so selfish.

You have my sympathy OP, can't believe how selfish your friends are when they know how ill your DD was and your dad is ill too. Shocking. You did the right thing for your family do not feel guilty!!

ynbu. Whenever we just have a cold and someone is coming round with lo I always say you welcome to come but we have colds. Most of the time they say that it doesnt matter and they will still come. But its nice to inform people and give them the choice