I think I regret having a child.

[anothernameplease]

I don't really know what to do and I suppose I'm hoping you can all tell me to buck up and de

I was 22 when we had DD and DH was 31. We decided to TTC just after he proposed and got pg 3 months later. I'm 24 now and, looking back, I regret jumping into it too fast.

DD is utterly wonderful, which makes me feel even worse for even thinking this, let alone writing it down, but I've been a SAHM for so long and feel as though I have given up my entire life for her and DH.

I hadn't settled into a 'career' and was sort of drifting between jobs trying to find what I wanted to do, which obviously means that I can't command much of a salary right now, so we would actually be worse off financially if I went back to work and put DD in childcare. Money is tight as it is.

I suppose I'm frustrated because it seems as though DH's life hasn't really changed all that much (he still goes out once a week ish, goes away for weekends with his friends, goes to sporting events sometimes) and I don't want him to stop doing the things that he loves, but I do wish that I could do some things that I love. I did try, when DD was NB, to do various activities - screenprinting, upholstery, adult ballet, yoga - but we either didn't have the money or DH couldn't get home in time to look after DD, so I sort of gave up. I suppose I lost confidence.

Now I just feel trapped. I resent DH and I'm starting to wish I'd never met him. He's lovely, and DD is the light of my life, but I feel so bloody despondent. I slapped him this morning because he told me I was crazy for getting upset about all of this (again - it does seem to be a recurring theme in our home), which is totally out of character for me. Or it was, before DD. Now I feel angry all the time.

I think I need a big kick up the arse and someone to tell me to just get on with it. Sorry for the long post.

I know what you mean about childcare taking up your salary, but I think you really need to get a job, to share the childcare costs with your dh and to use some of your salary to go out with your friends, do the evening classes etc.

If your dh can't get home from work in time before you go out, get a babysitter. My 16 year old ds babysits in just those circs for families in our village. It's a fiver an hour but worth it for your sanity imo.

And remember that childcare costs don't last forever. I'm a lawyer and when my two were little and I paid for childcare, cleaner, gardener etc I had £16 per week left but it didn't matter because eventually the costs went and I got a decent salary.

What mumble said and also:

Being SAHM can be soul-destroying, doesn't matter how much we love our children. Having said that, if you get to the point of hitting your DP (which is really not on, it's dv and just wrong) perhaps you should consider talking to your GP about possibility of having PND.

On the bright side, she'll be able to go to preschool in a year's time, right? And you'll still be very young and can get a job then.It's not all doom and gloom.

I think you sound fair enough but need to not pin the problem on your DD.
You seem to have decided that life is over, that you are stuck and that there's no way out of the dull groundhog day of nappies and finger foods and coffee morning play groups (I feel your pain)...but there is!!
First off work out what you would like to do if it was just DH and you. Is there a job you'd really like? An interest that you could build a career on.
Then think about a realistic timeframe. Maybe you will start the training for this fantasy job when DD is in school? Its not so far away really and having something to aim for could give you a boost. Maybe you could even start sooner - doing an OU course in the evenings while DD is in bed?

If you found a part time job do you have any family that could watch your daughter even if only a few hours a week? Its normal to go stir crazy and miss the things you used to do but if these thoughts are overwhelming you maybe you need to speak to your gp as you could be suffering from depression.

You could also remind yourself how lucky you are to have a child and a husband who loves you, there are so many people out there who would love to be in your shoes (although I know that probably doesn't help!). It took almost 5 years to get my baby boy and lost a baby girl along the way (15 weeks into pregnancy), I still get days where I feel like I'm going crazy as have no family or friends to help out but I just remind myself how lucky I am to have him and hubbie, to imagine not having him or losing him would be unbearable.
So yes you need to get on with it but also try to make time for yourself, instead of hubby going out with his friends every week maybe he could go out one week and you with your friends the next week :-)

Oh, yes, I second OU- I'm doing Eng Lit degree at the mo and it's a lot of fun.
Btw, I'm at home with DD now, as there's no childcare available here, so I can't work and it's driving me insane so I get where you're coming from.

Thank you, I know that the way I'm starting to feel/behave isn't on.
OU sounds like a good idea, maybe while also getting back to work. I just feel so guilty for wanting more than I have already. i suppose it's just hard to see a way out when you're bogged down by the nappies and finger foods!

First your DH needs to be more understanding. Although I can somewhat understand his frustration if you keep bringing the subject up without actually providing a workable solution to the problem. But he should also be helping you to find a solution.

Second, you need to not slap him

Third, you need to make the time to get out and do your hobbies, and make it clear to your DH that he needs to be home on time and this is non-negotiable. Otherwise he needs to give up some of his activities to make time for you to get out.

See if your local leisure centre has a creche so you can drop DD off and go to a class. Our one only charges £1.50 a session and saved my sanity when I was in your position.

Fourth, you need to get a job. If your family truly can't afford to make the longer-term investment in you by you taking a job needing childcare, then get an evening/weekend job. Or even volunteer for your local toddler group committee - something to give you a bit of purpose outside of being mum.

I understand your pain and frustration, truly I do because I was there too. However, the reality is that nothing will change until you change it.

Good luck and un-MNy hugs.

Studying is another good plan. I did a distance learning course while home with DD2 - improve your career prospects for when you can afford to go back to work.

Of course you should appreciate having lovely family etc, but that doesn't mean that you need to or should be able to settle just for that- most people need time for themselves, feeling of independence and accomplishment that comes from working etc. Totally normal.

And DP said a similar thing once as well- that most women would be happy to be able to be SAHM . Yes, because the tantrums, dirty nappies and endless viits to the playground are sooooo satisfying And I love my DCs very much, but, by God, you do feel like you're loosing yourself, don't you?

But all this will get better very soon- just start doing something and it will lead to other things. PT study or work/volunteering for now and then when she's at preschool you'll be able to get stuck in properly.

ahem, losing, not loosing yourself

If he has time to go out then surely you do. I was 23 when we had our daughter (my husband was same age). I still have an active social life and go out clubbing, parties, bbqs etc with my friends same as before. Surely he can take it in turns with you?

Oh Anothernameplease I do feel for you. I'm guessing (perhaps wrongly) that not many of your friends have children yet? This can make you feel even more isolated, so it is very important that you still have time for YOU and your interests, and also time to see your friends. I'm a young(ish!) Mum (27) with an 11 week old DS, and i'm pretty much the first out of all my friends to have had a baby, meaning that whilst they're all out and about partying still/jetting off, i'm with my little man! However, you have to get proactive in order to still feel like you're part of society and to maintain a social life. I regularly have friends over for dinner and a bottle of vino once DS is in bed at 7pm, and it's a great chance to catch up on all the gossip that I may have been missing out on! I also take advantage of going to free museums/exhibitions whilst DS is napping in pram, but I appreciate this might be easier said than done with a 2 year old. Could you get involved with your local NCT? I've just joined, and although haven't done much with the NCT yet, I'm always sent emails about unpaid jobs going helping out with the NCT (e.g web admin, nearly new sale admin)- might be good for getting the brain ticking again plus meet some other mums?

It does sound from your post though that it's not your DD that you resent, but the freedom that your DH has managed to maintain, and if he's still able to go out with friends, watch sporting events etc, and you do not, then that's REALLY unfair. What does he say when you complain? Does he not see that he's getting to go out and you do not? Money maybe tight, but you should be divvying up the 'social fund' and splitting both that and time to follow individual pursuits and social lives. Does he ever look after your DD on his own? If not, he should really start now! I'm lucky in that DP will look after DS at least a couple of evenings a week so I can go out with friends or go to the gym, and vice versa. eg this easter weekend we've had a couple of 'family days' together with DS, plus DP has the whole of Sat day and night to play golf and go out for drinks, and i had Thursday night out with friends. I'm not trying to sound smug, but what i'm trying to say is that this time apart from each other and from DS at least once a week gives us both a break, and we return re-energised and in much better moods! I know that after an evening away from DS, i can't wait to see him again! I think if I hadn't had had this after 2 years i would've gone mental, so you are completlely normal in feeling the way that you do.

I also echo what some of the previous posters have said, and to think that it won't belong until you can get free childcare for DD, and then can return to work even part time- time will fly!

Finally, do you have relatives nearby who could help with babysitting your DD, so you and DH could go out together for a few hours? Really important that you get to spend quality time together too, especially if you're starting to resent him- cheap voucher dinner out (eg pizza express 241) and good chats over a bottle of vino might help reignite the spark and to remind you why you both fell in love and got married.

Good luck!

"I'm lucky in that DP will look after DS at least a couple of evenings a week so I can go out with friends or go to the gym"

This is not 'lucky'. This is normal. Anyone who has not got things set up with way is being walked all over and needs to set the situation right.

I think your DH sounds like a very selfish person he goes out every weekend and away for weekends but he says you havent got time or the money to go out? No wonder you are mad at him

Yeah exactly that isnt lucky that is what he should be doing. Why should he get all the fun? I dont class myself as lucky because my own husband looks after our children.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said 'lucky' (bad choice of words!), - 'normal' is definitely what i should've used. Think I used 'lucky' because that's what some friends keep telling me- "wow you're lucky that DS is so small and you get to go out", or "wow, your DP can look after DS all by himself?!" - it's normal OP!

You're 24 and have your whole life ahead of you. There's actually a lot to be said for having children early and then thinking about an interruption-free career. Get busy living, get some work even if it doesn't pay much - it'll give you back some self esteem, confidence and independence.

Thank you PossetFeatures, that is unbelievably reassuring. Yes, I am the first to have a child out of my friends. DH is not, of course.

My mum does a lot for me and looks after DD during the day so that I can have a nap; DD adores her and always stays with her if we have a wedding or event to go to together.

I should say now that DH would never say no to me, it's just that I'm slightly more careful than he is wrt money. Though DH is great with DD.

Thanks for all of your replies, I feel much more steady and able to make some decisions of my own.