How much should/can you influence who your child is friends with?

[bananaflip]

Hi everyone,

Our family moved house 3 weeks ago, into a lovely quiet cul-de-sac where children can play outside safely as there are hardly any cars. Since we moved in, my 5 year old DD has got to know a 4 year old boy a few houses along. They are the only children around that age so have been playing together a lot. Nice, I thought initially.

However, it's become apparent that the boy's family have very different rules from ours. He is basically allowed to go wherever he wants and his parents don't have a problem with it. He turns up at our house every day and stays until I make him leave because we are having dinner or the dcs are going to bed. When I tell him it's time to leave, he often refuses and argues with me. He also has been helping himself to food and drinks in my house when I haven't been looking, and enouraging DD to do the same, even though she knows she is supposed to ask. I've noticed that she has been copying the way he talks, arguing and being rude to me.

This is all obviously annoying, but the real issue is what happened at the weekend. DD wanted to go to his house. DH and I said OK she could walk there as long as they were going to play at his house only and not wander about the streets (he often does that). She promised. About an hour later DH went to fetch her as we were going out, and the mum answered the door saying they were not there, they had "gone out to play". DH found them both about 10 minutes later in the house of a man down the road. Apparently they were "selling sweets". We don't know this man, I'm sure he's fine and everything, but the fact is she was not supposed to go anywhere. We've talked to her before about keeping safe and not talking to people you don't know. DD got a stern telling off and is now "grounded" (can't believe I've grounded my 5 yr old), i.e. not allowed outside to play for a week. I don't know whether she forgot the rule or was deliberately breaking the rule, but either way it has shown me that she can't be trusted to go out to play on her own, at the moment at least.

The boy is still turning up at our house every day, but DD's not allowed to go to his house for the time being. I know ultimately I can't control who my dcs mix with, but I really don't like the way my DD is copying everything this boy does. Should I stop/limit her seeing him? If so, how?

I would not allow my 5 year old to go round to a neighbour's house unaccompanied to play - I would want to know the parents and be sure that they were responsible. I would not allow my child to play at this neighbour's house. Most parents wouldn't view a 5 year old as able to be "trusted to go out to play on her own" imo.

I would be happy for the boy to play at mine with his monther's permission but my house my rules would apply. If the boy can't obey your rules he has to go home.

I had similar issue a few years ago, when DD1 was similar age. My advise is to act on this now. I didn't and it drove me mad. I often look back and regret that I did not enforce house rules and send the child home when she wasn't playing nicely or when I had enough. It was my first experience with my DDs playing with neighbours children. I would act very differently now.
My DD and this child fell out after about 2 years, so she doesn't visit us any more. Yay.

Bloody hell. Honestly can't get my head round any parent who lets their 4 year old roam the streets and invite themselves to others houses. Oh and parents who let their 5 year olds wander off to play by themselves and go round to random children's houses whose parents I didn't know if I'm being honest!
I have a nearly 4 year old and he's not allowed out of the garden, it's way too young to be wandering around by yourself.
I also have a 7yr old and it's only in the past year or since he was well over 6 that I've started letting him play outside of the garden. He knows he's supposed to stay within eye distance so I can see him - and there's no way he'd be going in anyone elses house unless I knew the people it belonged to, including any little friends!

Thanks for your advice.

I don't know the family well, have said hello in the street and had brief conversations. The mum commented on how nicely the 2 dcs play together, which is true. Tbh my older dcs went on playdates after school to families I barely knew at the same age, I don't see how it's too different from that. However the family obviously has a very laid back attitiude to safety. We are quite laid back ourselves and have tried to give our dcs as much independence as possible, but I won't allow DD to go alone at the moment.

I've told DD that her friend won't be coming in every day, it's too much. I told him he's not allowed to take food and drink without asking, I said maybe your mum is ok with that but here you have to ask. He just stared at me and didn't say anything. Last time he was here I think he got bored after a while and announced he was going home, leaving a mess everywhere, so I will insist next time that he helps to clean up. He looks at me like I'm crazy whevnever I say anything - this must be a new experience for him! Last time he was here, he said he didn't go to nursery because he was ill - not sure if this is true but I don't really want him in my house if he's ill. I told him if he's ill he'd better go home, then he said "Oh no, I'm better now." I said "Why didn't you go to nursery then?" and he said "Ummmmm..." So who knows.

Well since I last wrote he hasn't appeared! Maybe he's getting bored of us. I had said to DD that he wasn't going to come every day, but haven't had to enforce that yet.

I agree, MadamDeathstare, that he's not being deliberately difficult, he's probably just doing things the way he always has. But he seems a very confident child naturally, and from what I've seen his mum doesn't mind if he's rude to her. I imagine that my DD has seen him talking in a way that would not go down well with me, and is trying it out on me now!