SHOULD I BE ALLOWED TO ADOPT?

[kizzie]

Hi everyone - as some people here know I ended up on seroxat 6 years ago for PND after the birth of my twins (IVF).

I was pretty much ok after about 18 months. Been back at work for 10 months/ enjoying being a mum/ no panic attacks etc. But I then entered the 4 year rollercoaster of coming off AD's.

I would dearly have loved another child but there was no way that could have happened over the last four years. Now I'm thinking of adoption - in fact Ive spoken to an adoption agency.

BUT (and its a big but) - having PND for 18 months would not have restricted my application (as long as drs agreed I had since been ok). What may stop it going ahead is that in my difficulties went on for a number of years.

I got over PND - I just couldnt get off the F drugs. (Sorry - but its been a bit of a long saga)

Im a good mum , my husband is a fantastic father and I believe that all Ive been through has made me a stronger more understanding person.

But I have been to the absolute depths of despair - does that make me unsuitable?

Of course if I didnt have fertility probs then it wouldnt be an issue because I could just get pregnant if I wanted to - but thats irelevant really.

Id love to know your thoughts - and I really dont mind if some of them are negative - I really am interested in all thoughts.

Do you think its a bad idea for a woman who has had a mental illness to be allowed to take on another child?

Kizzex

A very high percentage of people suffer mental illness at some point in their lives and sometimes don't seek help or take longer than they shopuld to seek help for exactly these kinds of reasons, how it may affect their choices in future.

I think it should not make a difference if you are currently well and especially as it was PND it's not going to occur again..anybody can fall victim to a mental illness of some kind even having passed a medical

so I wish you good luck

Have you discussed it with Social Services ? Their criteria can be pretty strict (financial, relationships, general health etc) and you may have to undergo reports in addition to the standard to convince them of your existing mental health. The main issue I think you should consider is how able you would feel, if you were approved,to cope with a child who may well have behaviour issues relating to the circumstances in which they have been put into care or special needs, as it is these children who are most difficult to place. The way ahead could well be full of raised hopes, disappointments, frustrations and possible rejection, could you deal with that in itself ?

Good luck

Hi - thanks for the quick replies!

We've talked about it for a long (long) time - since before the boys were born really because we also considered adoption then. And this has involved going through all those scenarios you mention.

If anything I feel MORE capable of dealing with the difficulties because of what Ive been through.

Looking back I think before I had PND I had a very restricted and sheltered view of life - nice up bringing / nice schools / o levels/ a levels / university / job with good company etc.

I have been totally upfront and honest with the advisor from the adoption agency and in return she has been honest with me.

She has said that she would hate to lose us as potential adopters because in many ways we fit ideally what they are looking for. (its and agency which deals with mixed race children). BUT that their medical advisor is very very cautious when it comes to mental illness issues.
she has been incredibly helpful and is talking us through the next steps.

So - first on the list is to see my dr to see what her report would say.

Will just have to wait and see.

Kizziex

Kizzie, am also on Seroxat and currently cutting down week by week, hope to be off it by DS's 1st birthday in February. Have also considered adoption for my next child but was worried my history of panic attacks and taking seroxat would be an automatic no no.

Personally I do think you should be allowed to adopt as your panic attacks aren't a problem any more and your not dependent on seroxat. Anyway does anyone know a mum who's not had the occasional panic/stress attack!

Hi Shalaa - from the people Ive spoken to its not a instant 'no no'. But they would need to talk to your drs about your history (which theyd have to do with any condition.)

Good luck coming off the seroxat -Im so pleased the drs know now that people need to come off slowly - rather than just reducing for a couple of week.

Enjoy your babys first birthday and good luck if you decide to go for number 2!
Kizziex

IME SS are more wary about issues regarding your birth children and adopted children. For this reason in general they are much happier to place adopted children in families where either the children are much older (virtually grown up) or no children at all.

Thats interesting to hear Roisin. That's not the indication they've given me so far but maybe that will change. Just said that they would want a minimum of 3 year gap between my youngest birth child and any adopted child.

Do you mind if i ask what your experience is - is it as someone trying to adopt / or working in SS. Its really useful to hear all different views.

Kizziex

My experience is just from friends who have wanted to adopt, or have adopted, or have considered adoption.

Also my parents did long-term fostering. We had two girls with us, who were 2.5 yrs younger than me, and 4yrs younger than me. They were with us from me being 7-19. I have to say I think it was a poor decision on the part of my parents, and I resented it for most of my childhood, and still do to an extent

The older the children get, the more likely SS are to specify that they need a placement where they do not feel they are competing for attention with other children. It does depend on the individual children, but also on their ages. Are you thinking about adopting a baby, or an older child?

3-4 yr old (which is what we had thought originally - but after speaking to SS seems even more likely.)

I think they might be being slightly more flexible in their discussions with us because of being mixed race couple and they still dont have enough MR families coming forward.

Obviously this would be irrelevant if they thought that we (or anyone) was unsuitable but it does mean that they aren't writing us off instantly because of birth children etc.

Kizziex

Roisin that was my experience too-maybe its a local thing?
I wanted to adopt but was told being a single parent wasn't a problem but my kids needed to be a lot older than potential adoptees-which IMO would make them stand out more than if it was 1/2 years especially when mine were young .I was also told my house would need to be bigger as they would need a room each.

Kizzie, hope you don't mind me asking

How old are you and your DH/partner?

The reason I ask is that DH is 53 and I am 37 and we are condsidering adpoting/fostering and we are concerned our age will be against us (we are a mixed race couple too and would be interested in speaking to your agency)

(apologies if this is duplicate mssage. just lost one I was sending)

Nikki - interesting to read your experience. maybe that IS going to become more of an issue for us as we go further down the line.

Katy - my DH is 41 and is also 16 yrs older than me. They said it doesnt mean we would be turned down and their main concern re. age is health and fitness. They did say that we wouldnt be able to adopt 0-3 though if thats the age group you were thinking of. It shouldnt be any issue at all re fostering.

The best way to find someone dealing in mixed race adoption/ fostering is to go through your local council / authority dept. Most of them have webistes. Obviously if you live in/near a big city then they are likely to have more mized race children needing homes than more rurals areas. They should also be able to refer you onto other groups locally who may be more relevant. (You need to live relatively close to an agency for things like home visits etc.)

Good luck!!

Kizziex

Thanks Kizzie - we are in a very rural area, I think we will have to contact a much bigger city

Not really sure how it works - we will be waiting until DD is a bit older, at least that's what we think atm

Kizzie, I've often wondered how you're doing - readng between the lines, are you off the Seroxat now? If so, fanbloodytastic!

You surely know how I would feel about this, having also been on anti-depressants for 6 out of the last 9 years, and also not being able to get off the "F drugs" What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I am quite certain that your (our) experiences doesn't make us any less able to be parents. Very, very best of luck.

That second to last sentence was appalling grammatically but you get the gist.

Hi Marthamoo - thanks for asking how Im doing.

Hope you're ok too. Trying to get off these things really can be a nightmare.

Long story short - did manage to stop seroxat 18months ago but only by switching to prozac. This in itself was very difficult so eventually ended up on an old tricyclic which I have then been withdrawing from slowly. Am now down to last drop (hopefully!) and on 10mg which is equivalent to about 1 or 2 mg of seroxat.

What a hoo ha!!

Kizziexxx

kizzie.
I am an adoptive mother and have experience working with pre approved families.
My sister was approved on Friday to adopt two same sex, age 3-5 year old children. She is 35 and her partner 58. My sister has mental health problems, she has Aspergers Syndrome.
When my sister first made her initial enquires she contacted her local social services. They refused to assess her for adoption on the grounds of the age difference.
My sister went through the NCH and has had no problems at all in being approved.
In my own case, we were told by SS that we would not be able to adopt because of my own health issues. We went to a private agency and were approved and had children placed with us within a year.
If its what you really want to do then dont give up. To cover all bases I would be looking for an alternative agency to approve you. SS are short of funding and they appear only to approve the clear cut cases where there are "no problem" areas that need to be investigated.

Adoption lawas are being changed in Dec/Jan and will finally give non married couples the same legal guardianship over children placed with them.

good luck....adoption is such a fantastic and rewarding thing to do.

just to let you know that this is the "Adoption Week"... found this on GMTV this morning all about adopting - gud luck!

Big lips - thanks for the link

jayzmummy - thanks so much for such a positive note and the advice!

Adoption week has come at such a great time for us because of all the extra info.

Kizziex