dd1 (3.9) pushing me to the limit.

[familyfun]

dd1s behaviour is so bad, she will push and push and push till i snap and shout, its getting to the point im not enjoying it and have literally felt ive lost control and am a crap mother and should walk away
dd2 is 5 months and i know a new baby can affect dd1s behaviour but she is lovely to her sister and says how much she loves her and only the babys crying bothers her as it hurts her ears.
sheis good a gold at nursery and at anybodys house and basically very well behaved when out of the house.
in the house she screams, shouts, bosses everyone around, if we play she tells me what to do what to say who i have to pretend to be etc etc.
if someone goes to the toilet she has a tantrum screaming she wanted to go first despits not mentioning she needs the toilet.
if i ask her to get dressed she runs off/hides/says no/screams till im trying to force her into clothes.
she cant eat a meal without kicking her chair backwards, banging her fork, putting her feet on me, kneeling up, getting down from table, over and over.
she tells me she doesnt love me.
she says she only loves daddy.
she says i love you and the when i look at her she says she meant dadd.
she climbs out the bath while im trying to wash her.
she kicked me in the face when i asked her not to bunce on her bed.
she pushed her teddy in my face yesterday and when i said stop it she pushed it really hard in my face so i took teddy away and she screamed and tantrummed.
she will just look at me and when i look she will throw something or push a pile of magazines over.

she is attention seeking all the time, saying mommy mommy mommy and holding the back of my trousers so i cant walk.

i play with her all the time, as soon as dd2 sleeps i concentrate on dd1 and play with her, i read to her everyday and listen to her read, i bath her, i take her ad collect her from nursery and listen to her stories and what she has done, i praise her when she is good and always tell her i love her and how clever/loving/kind/pretty she is.

im at my wits end, getting out the house is hell and i have thought would she be better without me.
please give me advice.

She may be exploring boundaries. She will only do this in a secure environment, e.g. with you. It is part of growing up. I think many children go through a stage like that, some maybe a bit more extreme (and tiring) than others. Clearly, she is trying to upset you by saying that she loves daddy more, doing things which are naughty and she likes the fact that you are responding. It may be attention seeking, but there is nothing wrong with that at this age IMO. If possible (i.e. as long as it does not endanger her) respond to positive behaviour, and ignore (difficult I know) negative behaviour (except if it makes her unsafe). Maybe it is also time for a reward chart, clearly explain upfront what she needs to do and agree rewards upfront as well (remind her regularly as she will forget). There are many different types based on favourite characters or you can make your own one. Rewards can be favourite activities, small presents, etc. Hope this helps.

DD1 was exactly like this when DD2 was a baby. You are not alone. I felt like such a crap mother and such a failure but even though it is very hard at the time please keep it in mind that this is a phase.

As dikkertjedap said she is testing boundaries. I know it is near impossible but ignoring this behaviour is the only way to stop it. Leave the room for a while and count to ten or take a few deep breaths then walk in and calmly clean the mess without saying a word. Then give her attention when she does something good or is playing quietly. It takes a while and a LOT of deep breathing but you will get there in the end. Telling you that she loves daddy etc. is purely because she gets a big reaction from you. If you totally ignore her and say nothing she will stop eventually.

DD2 is now just coming out of a period of this type of behaviour. It's so so hard to cope with when you have a baby as well. It does end but I know it doesn't seem like it at the time. Some great advice I got at the time was that DD1 wasn't staying awake at night planning how to upset me. She was just doing things to get a reaction.

Also, both my DD's are very well behaved with other people and at school etc. And people would look at me like when I'd say that they are a nightmare at home. But now I think it's actually better that way as it's much less embarrassing. There are a few disruptive kids in DD1's class and their mothers are on a daily basis.

DD2 is nearly 6 now and is, mostly, very well behaved. Sorry for going on so long but your post reminded me so much of myself a few years ago. Hang in there. It does get better.

I just re-read the OP. God it's stressful isn't it. I used to stick relaxing music on my iPod and just put one headphone in my ear. It used to help a bit.

I can't help (wish I could!) but wanted to reassure you I have one exactly the same. In the last half an hour she has deliberately snapped one of my very precious necklaces, thrown a cup of juice on the floor, thrown her lunch everywhere, said the word 'mummmyyy' a billion times and generally made me think about donating her to Oxfam. Crap isn't it?

My DD is a similar age and I'm really struggling with her too. She also has a younger sibling (though a toddler not a baby).

I try to be firm, fair and consistent but god it's difficult. I'm a SAHM with DH working long hours and travelling a lot, and no family nearby. I'm finding the Easter holidays particularly hard - nursery is a total sanity-saver for me (and good for her). She is always angelic for other people. Like the others have said, she is testing limits in a safe environment.

I don't have any answers but I'm also pinning my hopes on it being a phase, and in the meantime I try to be as consistent as possible with boundaries. Eg she is about to go to bed without any tea because she refused to eat what I cooked and she knows there is no alternative. BTW I cooked something she usually likes!

I find sugar and tiredness are two culprits. I try to avoid sugar/refined carbs and give foods rich in omegas/protein where possible. Bedtime is very regular.

I hate losing my temper but it happens a few times a day.

Like the others, I try to heap praise on good behaviour and pick my battles with the bad. But of course some days I feel like I spend the day giving time-outs, repeating the "rules" and then enforcing sanctions. It's utterly soul-destroying and exhausting. And Mon-Fri I'm almost a lone parent, I don't think DH knows how bad it is (and her worst behaviour is for me, of course).

She sometimes tells me she doesn't love me, and I just laugh. She does the same to DH sometimes, he ignores it.

I just wanted to say you are not alone. This too shall pass :)

thank you all for answering, i took her to the park yesterday and she was good all day and today she had friends round and apart from bossiness was good, being outside does her good as she has so much energy to run off, she cant sit still, even when drawing or something quiet she bounces up and down at the same time
i have started a reward chart and when she starts to play up i remind her she wants her star and it seems to work a bit.
i also think she is missing nursery and having busyness and lots of company.

i am struggling with the ignore the bad, it doesnt seem to work, if dd decides to poke my arm and i ignore it, she will keep going and going and her staying power is better than mine.
what behaviour would you ignore, everything that isnt dangerous?
so what do you naughty step/time out for then?
im really unclear.

btw mentally i feel so much better, im a bit worried that my moods are swinging to such extremes but maybe its normal at this stage??

Have you tried distracting/deflecting type response rather than ignoring?

Say, if she pokes your arm, give her a cuddle or kiss rather than ignore it? It's not the best way for her to ask for attention but especially with the new baby I guess that's what she needs.

the thing is im always kissing her, hugging her, tickling her so she gets lots of fuss, but yes i could try responding to annoyance with a kiss so its positive, but then am i teaching her that poking me gets her a kiss??

Hi,
I went through this with my DD1 (she was 2 at the time) when DD2 was around 8 months. DD1 would regularly pack a back and announce she was off to live with Daddy/Grandpa/Aunty and most of the behaviours you have described - kicking, shouting bossing etc. The one thing that i really found that helped was to change how i spoke. I hadn't noticed until a friend pointed it out but i often put things off because of the baby - so i would say 'i can't play now because DD2 is feeding' which DD1 was clearly seeing as DD2 being more important! Now I rephrases things like 'mummy needs to give DD2 her medicine then I will have time to read you a story before we...' I don't know why but this really helped and made a big difference.

And with the attention thing i would keep responding with a hug/kiss but showing her lots of ways to get attention positively. I've taught DD1 to ask for a hug if she needs one (I did lots of role play with toys, teddy asking dolly for a hug because he was sad) instead of attacking me which made a big difference to our relationship. Obviously she still does kick/bite/throw things to get attention too but at least some of the time we now bypass the violence :-)

sorry that should read pack a bag

dd is a good talker so can communicate with me, but she seems emotinally quite young compared to her peers, she is far more clingy and likes me to play with her all the time.